Teasel's Diary

Got the tv on in the background, and just heard a male to female trans woman saying, at the beginning of her transition, late in life, that she will be losing or risking losing everything she's worked for so far in life. But that not living authentically as who she is would be much worse.

I relate to some little bit of that. A lifetime of attempting to mask and fit in. Hiding the things people ridicule me for, things which are me actually.

Yeah, I want to learn how to "unmask"

Slowly, and around people it's safe to do so with.

It's even a bit exciting. Finding out who I am if I allow myself to be me 🌸

It's already happening I think actually. I have 2 friends who are Audhd.and have filled my Facebook feed with autistic & adhd groups and tried out a few in person meet ups.

I do already feel a lot more accepting and understanding of myself.

Being able to be me when others are are involved is going to be a much bigger task. But that's OK 🙂
Another part of that TV show, a trans man talking about how he gets emotional every time he smells the particular air freshener they used in the gender clinic. Because it reminds him of the first time he felt like he was actually going home.

I've a powerful memory of being in the back of my Dad's car, wishing I could go home. And we were on our way "home" physically. And Realising that home was no home for me made me cry. I'd like to find home 🙂
Therapy today.

She picked up on and pointed out to me that a major theme in my life has been

Trapped / Unheard / Shame

Being trapped - in abusive situation
The need to get away, but not being able to. Resulting in suicide seeming the only option.
Not being heard when I try to tell someone. Not heard or believed or cared about.
Rather invalidated / blamed etc
And Shame

We touched on several situations all through my life where it's been this pattern.

I had never really seen that so clearly.

Good stuff!

I asked what we do about it now. She said bringing awareness to it is the first step.

I asked ok then what. And she didn't have an answer other than the awareness will change things.

I would like to figure out a better answer than that if I can.

Also I was able to see another issue clearly in a way I never have before.

What I used to call self sabotage - because I didn't have any other words for it. Is actually an attempt to protect an autistic child from being out in the world. To protect me from how frightening and overwhelming it is to be around people. To protect me from autistic burn out too.
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Reflecting on things to do with my weight / fitness / what I eat / comfort eating / impulsive eating / ill health and fatigue etc.

This week I got some full length photostaken of me and it was an unpleasant experience seeing then. It brought home just how much larger I am than I thought.

My bathroom mirror is flattering I think and so I've been thinking I look quite a bit better than I actually do.

And OK it's good as well as bad to realise this. It's concentrated my mind on what I can do about it.

Yesterday I was thinking it beyond me to be able to lose weight really.

But this morning I weighed myself, and was really chuffed to realise I've lost 7lbs in 2 months.

I have been trying to eat more fruit & veg, less processed foods and less white carbs. And have just this week started going for walks again.

Sustainable changes, and gives me hope that I can continue to lose weight. Much better than feeling helpless about it.