Telling My Wife That My Depression is Returning

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I have been keeping my growing depression secret from my wife for 6 months (my default response) but last night shared with her, I am glad I did.

"My Love:

I am sharing this with you so you can maybe understand a little about some issues I am dealing with. I really thought I had this behind me but I guess not. It is nothing I can discuss, as I am unable to understand or even discuss with myself. I am stuck with many feelings and no way to understand or express them.

Attached are some posts from a couple of different sites dealing with this that I used 4 years ago and then again recently. Maybe reading them might help you to at least get a glimpse into my problems. While I am not suffering as badly as I was 4 years ago when I had a total mental collapse, it is affecting me in many ways, maybe even my IBS issues?

I have reached out to a therapist who does online sessions but will not be able to get in until October. I had an appointment pre Covid with a different therapist but that obviously got canceled.

I absolutely love you more than anything and I am sorry to bring my issues into our lives again. With help from a Therapist I am hopping to get back to a better place. Please understand that this is nothing I can talk about because I don’t even understand it myself and am not mentally equipped yet to discuss or even think about.

Also the cause of this is 100% unrelated to our relationship, I could not ask for a partner who is more caring and understanding but this is an issue that was buried deep inside my mind when I was 10 and is not a result of us, rather it is most likely you who has kept me close to sane. Please bear with me

As I deal with my own internal demons my process is to disassociate and bury which is not right but it is how I was able to survive my abuse and unfortunately it is a defense mechanism I learned at a very young age and is hard to break. I need to learn how to not do that and I hope therapy will show me that path.

I apologize for being absent in so many areas, I am trying too not sink into a debilitating depression and instinctively shy away from getting involved in emotional conversations because I fear I am not emotionally equipped to handle, this is my fault and issue to fix.
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