Termination - Moving Forward

LeiaFlower

Learning
Right before this, I was worried about trauma brain ruining another relationship. I had to set boundaries with a friend after their parents did something that made me uncomfortable. She said she wanted to still grow as friends and still hang out. However, she stopped talking to me. And now my trauma brain is messing with my friend and her boyfriend that making me uncomfortable. But I guess it was focusing on the wrong relationship.

I walked into my therapy session with unease, hoping I can fake being okay to deter her worry about my previously stated suicidality. She asked how I wanted the session to go or what to discuss. I mentioned maybe starting with what type of therapy to try moving forward and I agreed with her about our previous discussion on how it could be beneficial to have more than one session per week. Even though she agreed and didn’t want to discount my autonomy, she said I needed more and she didn’t believe she was qualified to provide that. I've been having random feelings in my head, not similar to vertigo or dizziness, it's like my mind is pulling in and out of consciousness. I guess it had to do with my emotional stare because hearing her say those words made the feeling intensify to the point that it was hard to concentrate. It felt like my mind was fracturing as if it was doing everything in its power to prevent a mental break. She said that it didn’t mean we would have to stop seeing each other, though the statement contradicted the former as well as what preceded.

She talked about me starting inpatient immediately despite my school and financial situation, followed by moving to an outpatient facility, but then I should start seeing a trauma specialist rather it is in-house (the private practice she works in) or outhouse. She mentioned co-counseling with her supervisor, but I doubt either one of us would benefit from that option. She said that it isn’t helpful for her or me if she's constantly worried about me after each session. I talked a little, about my thoughts on inpatient care and reiterated the recommendations she said. Though the only real reaction I stated was that of regret. I wish I didn’t tell her about wanting to give up the last session because then I wouldn’t be in what feels like a punishing situation. I wish I stayed quiet and either pretend like I was okay or finally released myself from the need to live here. I don't blame her or feel angry. If she doesn't want to stay I can't force her to. Nor can I force her if she feels anxious in my session and feels that she's not qualified to help me.

But now I just feel alone and empty. I feel like I’ve ruined another relationship with my emotions. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. Not with my friend, who my therapist mentioned I have codependency with. Or my family where I don’t even trust them to explain what’s going on. With religion who persuades me into thinking that my suffering is allowed because I’m a "bad" person. Or to the outside world where others shy away from me or it doesn’t breach more than a superficial level. And now not with my therapist who believes I’m too difficult for her to handle. I wish I knew what I was doing wrong. I wish someone could observe me and pick at the things that I'm doing wrong that is causing everyone to leave me.

I don't want to move forward at this point. I'm sure it's just heavy emotions. But I just want everything to finally stop.
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
she said I needed more and she didn’t believe she was qualified to provide that.
That's not you, messing up a relationship. That's her, being honest. You wouldn't expect a car mechanic to be able to do a complicated repair on the space shuttle, would you? And, it the mechanic can't make that repair, it's hardly the fault of the shuttle.

I get what you're feeling. The feelings are plenty real, but they aren't facts and they aren't really based on facts. That's part of this whole "disorder". Your brain sees something and thinks it's seeing something else.

I don't know anything about your therapist, other than she seems to care about your well being and she feels like she lacks the background and experience to give you all the help you need and deserve. Maybe try an experiment. Trust her judgement about her own abilities and work with her to find better help. Sounds like she's not wanting to dump you, she's wanting to make things better.
I'm sure it's just heavy emotions. But I just want everything to finally stop.
I can certainly relate to that! It can get better though. Things don't have to feel like that forever. Don't give up!
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
believes I’m too difficult for her to handle.
*for her*. The great thing about this situation is that there are other T’s *and* she wants to help you find one.
I wish I knew what I was doing wrong.
Nothing! In fact neither of you are doing anything wrong, and you are both doing the right thing!

That's part of this whole "disorder". Your brain sees something and thinks it's seeing something else.
Because with your codependent friend and your family and religion there *is* something else often. But with T’s and the people you start to meet during or after recovery, there is generally continuity between what they say, what they do, and what they mean.

It’s like there’s two worlds living side by side and they rarely interact, so they hardly know the other is there, but sometimes, rarely, a person jumps from one track to the other, through hard work and dedication to self. It’s hard to believe there are more people like your T who will listen to you but there are, and I hope you see that some of them are right here! There are plenty of people who have been referred out by their T.

Hang in there—it does get better. You sound like you have a stubborn part that knows there’s a better way. Good luck in your journey! Hope you keep us posted!
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
Even though she agreed and didn’t want to discount my autonomy, she said I needed more and she didn’t believe she was qualified to provide that.

it hurt and confused me mightily the first umptimes i heard this wisdom in my own recovery, but many years into my healing journey, i salute the wisdom. early into my own psychotherapy, i was heavily fixated on fast and easy one-stop solutions. i had never known stability in my broken life and wanted simple connections to stop the never-ending whirlwind of my birthright. it took ALLOT of psychotherapy work for me to see that those "simple" connections are not as simple as they look from the outside. it really does take a village to live a healthy life.

I've been having random feelings in my head

feelings are a very real part of the healing process and repressing and/or invalidating them doesn't help, but feelings change and we can have more than one feeling about a single fact. steadying support while you work through the layers of this proverbial onion.
 

hithere

MyPTSD Pro
When I was in a similar situation (and did not feel like I could survive) a temporary therapist had me say out loud, "This is not about me. This is about her." she made me repeat like 10 times! I'm glad she did that. I actually do this sometimes when abandoned bell starts ringing.
So I say to you: It's not about you. It's about her!!
 

LeiaFlower

Learning
It wasn't a termination session. It was a miscommunication. I think after hearing her say that it might be better to try other options with my therapy my mind emotionally shut down and then blocked out the part where she said 'I'll see you next week'. I feel sort of dramatic now. A taunt I use to hear a lot of growing up but rings true in this situation. Regardless of the fact, I genuinely don't know if I should continue with my current therapist or try a trauma specialist instead. I'm not for sure if that means I should start a new thread or what.
 

scout86

MyPTSD Pro
That kind of miscommunication seems to happen a lot. I've come to think of it as "part of the process". It's even possible that that taunt you heard growing up came about because some things seemed way more serious to you than they did to others. Maybe a part of hypervigilance?
I genuinely don't know if I should continue with my current therapist or try a trauma specialist instead.
That might be something you can discuss with your current T. She sounds like she's wondering the same thing. If you decide to look for a different therapist, she might be able to help you with your search. (I imagine it would probably be better to start another thread for the new topic. You're more likely to get relies that relate to the title of the thread.)

Anyway, I'm glad to hear you got things sorted out, at least for now!
 

Friday

Moderator
That kind of miscommunication seems to happen a lot. I've come to think of it as "part of the process".
<laughing> Yep!

@LeiaFlower … One of my all time favourite Therapists told me to “Get back to him once I’m stable.” as we were laughing about something at the end of session & walking out.

It took me 2 years before I realized he probably didn’t mean that literally.

Oops.
 

LeiaFlower

Learning
That might be something you can discuss with your current T. She sounds like she's wondering the same thing. If you decide to look for a different therapist, she might be able to help you with your search. (I imagine it would probably be better to start another thread for the new topic. You're more likely to get relies that relate to the title of the thread.)
Yeah, it's something we've both been considering though for whatever reason I can't move on from my current therapist. Something I'm trying to find a better understanding of as well as discuss in my upcoming session.
 
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