Sufferer Terrified - Here because I need to know that people have felt the way I do now and have recovered.

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
Welcome.

I’m four years into trauma recovery and actually find myself having to be really cautious of self medication in a way I didn’t have to be before my breakdown/ diagnosis. i have to be very strict with myself as a parent is an alcoholic .

As to recovery- I think it depends on the definition of that word. Initially I was terrified that I couldn’t be who I was before my emotional collapse occurred . Within a few months of therapy I knew I couldn’t recover that person . Now I mourn for that person but would not want to ‘recover ’ as I was. I want to learn emotional function better than I managed before and in a more self forgiving and relaxed way. I think since I really let go of trying to be ‘the old me’ I’ve made more progress :).

however - we all process differently and have different challenges and importantly we use words differently. I hope you get benefit from this group :)
 

Geopolis

Confident
Welcome.

I’m four years into trauma recovery and actually find myself having to be really cautious of self medication in a way I didn’t have to be before my breakdown/ diagnosis. i have to be very strict with myself as a parent is an alcoholic .

As to recovery- I think it depends on the definition of that word. Initially I was terrified that I couldn’t be who I was before my emotional collapse occurred . Within a few months of therapy I knew I couldn’t recover that person . Now I mourn for that person but would not want to ‘recover ’ as I was. I want to learn emotional function better than I managed before and in a more self forgiving and relaxed way. I think since I really let go of trying to be ‘the old me’ I’ve made more progress :).

however - we all process differently and have different challenges and importantly we use words differently. I hope you get benefit from this group :)
Thank you for your response @Mee I've thought a lot about the word recovery as it applies to my process and I think your application is beautiful. To let go and grieve 'the old you' sounds like a wonderful rebirth.
 

BlueWillow

New Here
Hello all,
I'm here because I need to know that people have felt the way I do now and have recovered. After 10 years of clean time, multiple intense rounds of 12 step work, and several therapists I have finally come to terms with the fact that I MUST venture into my childhood emotionally. About a month ago my current (amazing) therapist introduced me to my inner child through guided meditation and I cracked open at the seams. I have been grieving ever since and the sadness is sometimes unbearable.
A quick history:
- Alcoholic childhood household
-Physically abusive/severe isolation
-Emotional abuse/abandonment
-Sexually abused from outside home
-Suicidal ideations/attempts starting at 14
-Addiction kicked off at around 15

At 29 I entered 12 step recovery and began piecing my life back together. By all outward appearances I am a stable married father of 3 who is active in recovery, sponsoring men and emotionally supporting those around me. Inside, I am falling apart. My entire life is spent fending off the deep shame that I carry. I have to force eye contact and I feel like hiding from any possible aggression I could encounter. I feel disgusting, ugly and unlovable.

I understand fully that these are all typical qualities of someone with complex ptsd but im tired of just "knowing" that and moving on with life. I've had it with white knuckling life. My inner child is bursting out without permission now so its time to experience the healing I know I deserve. I have to do this so my children can have a complete and healthy father but it hurts so bad. Currently reading "complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving."

Tldr: Its time to make a decision here. My heart aches and I'm engulfed in shame every second of the day. Looking forward to healing along side everyone here even though this process terrifies me. Thank you for listening!
My turn to reply back to you!

Its a beautiful thing that you are an active sponsor , a father of 3 and you're very dedicated to healing. Inner child/shadow work is hard work; but it will transform you. If you haven't already; you should read 'The body keeps the score'.

The only thing I can say about the feelings you're experiencing now is, that you need to feel all of them. Acknowledge them, dont supress them, work with your therapist and keep up the great work.

This work is not for the faint of heart. You're a fighter, I can tell!
 

Widow_of_one

MyPTSD Pro
Hello all,
I'm here because I need to know that people have felt the way I do now and have recovered. After 10 years of clean time, multiple intense rounds of 12 step work, and several therapists I have finally come to terms with the fact that I MUST venture into my childhood emotionally. About a month ago my current (amazing) therapist introduced me to my inner child through guided meditation and I cracked open at the seams. I have been grieving ever since and the sadness is sometimes unbearable.
A quick history:
- Alcoholic childhood household
-Physically abusive/severe isolation
-Emotional abuse/abandonment
-Sexually abused from outside home
-Suicidal ideations/attempts starting at 14
-Addiction kicked off at around 15

At 29 I entered 12 step recovery and began piecing my life back together. By all outward appearances I am a stable married father of 3 who is active in recovery, sponsoring men and emotionally supporting those around me. Inside, I am falling apart. My entire life is spent fending off the deep shame that I carry. I have to force eye contact and I feel like hiding from any possible aggression I could encounter. I feel disgusting, ugly and unlovable.

I understand fully that these are all typical qualities of someone with complex ptsd but im tired of just "knowing" that and moving on with life. I've had it with white knuckling life. My inner child is bursting out without permission now so its time to experience the healing I know I deserve. I have to do this so my children can have a complete and healthy father but it hurts so bad. Currently reading "complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving."

Tldr: Its time to make a decision here. My heart aches and I'm engulfed in shame every second of the day. Looking forward to healing along side everyone here even though this process terrifies me. Thank you for listening!
I understand the constant feeling of shame and humiliation. Before I felt these surprising feelings I felt nothing! Then in sept 2018, at 53 years old, o started feeling seemingly endless shame and humiliation and guilt. It seemed like it would never end. What I noticed is that these feelings were accompanied by different types of flashbacks: polaroid picture, video, audio, songs, smells, sensory feelings of crying, etc. there is a long list of types of flashbacks” all of them are “pieces of a puzzle” that your mind is trying to reveal to you in a very subtle, loving way. These intense feelings of shame lasted for about 1 1/2 years and they were daily and sometimes were continual for 4-5 hours.

i started recording “audio diaries” on “day one” while waking in the morning before work. It helped a lot in terms of helping me “connect the dots” in my head. The verbal combined with the physical waking seemed to help me “process” what I was feeling and re-Remebering.

my advice: do whatever makes you feel up to combat feeling down (ie hours of shame). People who are Re-experiencing the past have a tendency to become accident prone bc they are overwhelmed by negative feelings. Be careful. Eat either. Sleep right and if dogged by insomnia get into bed and rest your body.
Be good to you!
gods speed and keep moving forward
 
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