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Terrified of emdr

Discussion in 'Treatment & Therapy' started by AsterSaysHi, Apr 29, 2018.

  1. AsterSaysHi

    AsterSaysHi New Member

    Hello out there
    I'm seeking some advice about EMDR.
    I have been in therapy for a couple of years now with a very experienced therapist. It has taken a very long time for me to have any trust in her, not because of anything she had done at all. In fact she has been the most reliable, consistent, interested person I have ever had in my life.
    Anyway, a few months ago we tried EMDR for the first time. It completely freaked me and I guess had the opposite effect of what it is meant to. I have managed my life by keeping a distance from the abuse I experienced as a child and young person. So to then have it right there during the session and then not be able to move it away from me for about two weeks, was quite destabilising.
    I now have a fear of EMDR and it makes me quite anxious thinking and talking about it. How can I get past the fear - I want to experience the benefits of EMDR but my own issues and traumas are blocking me.
    Any suggestions for pushing through?
    Thanks in advance.
    Sweetleaf likes this.
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  3. Sweetleaf

    Sweetleaf Well-Known Member

    That is exactly how I felt when I started doing it. I'm about to start doing it again, with a new T. Hopefully, she will be a better T than my last one... ugh.

    I felt distance from my trauma, too - until the EMDR preparation process began, where we started to try to find targets, and it stirred things up. I think that might have been what made me make my account here lmfao - the fact that it stirred things up for me.

    It worked for me, on some things. But, I had to trust that it would, and I almost gave up on it, but then it worked. When the target stuff stopped being a "10" on the suffering scale, I was like "okay... this f*cking SUCKS and it's hard, but it did just make an improvement"

    Something that I think is -really- important: always remembering that I can stop it at any time, if it's getting too intense. There are times it gets intense enough for me to begin to have derealization and depersonalization - and I try to not let it hit that point.

    I soooo feel you there. I am both nervous and excited about my new therapist - she's going to basically be t/pdoc for me in the future. Excited, because she's probably good at what she does, if my pdoc hired her.

    But - I am nervous, because I'm about to begin the EMDR rollercoaster again... and I have so much shit that needs to be tackled - and -maybe- I will feel comfortable enough with her to tell her things I couldn't tell my last t, because of her associations with my abuser and my family.

    It's hard, too, because right now I'm -really- symptomatic (due to recent events in my life). The prospect of trying to stabilize from where I'm at - only to start EMDR and stir things up again, is not pleasant. But, the potential rewards, are SO worth it.

    There are things that used to be able to bring me up to a 10 on the suffering scale, but now I can talk about them (like cum shooting out my nose during the end of oral sexual assault, and my head being shoved down hard as he shot it out, choking me with his dick in my throat)

    I'm sorry if that was too graphic. What is sad for me, is that there are things that are so much worse, that I haven't even touched on with EMDR. I never got a chance to.

    I had no physical reaction from saying that, but it's still unpleasant. But, it's just bad shit that happened now - bad, embarrassing shit, that's gross, but - it's not like, making me shake and sweat and want to vomit and feel horrible. I still have body memories related to having semen in my nose, but it's not as bad as it was -before- EMDR. Now, it's only like, some of the feel, and the taste and the smell - and only on some days. It's not like, a really close recreation of it, with a choking sensation and everything - it's like I have just -some- of it left in my nose, instead of my nose filled with it.

    Okay now I am feeling a little queasy - but the EMDR on that stuff has toned down many triggers for me.

    I totally understand that fear, because I had it myself, and I still have it, in that, I am afraid of having to do it.

    Before EMDR sessions in the past - sitting in the waiting room at my T's office - I would have sweaty palms, and be shakey, and just feel really anxious and nervous and all that, because I knew what I was about to be doing... lol

    I really, really almost quit - and I will say, it took a while for it to really start to work for me, and I had to do all sorts of desensitization before I could even begin really - but it was so worth it to have it pay off.

    Maybe that would help you? Have you ever done the EMDR flash technique? That helped me -start- working on EMDR without it being so bad I couldn't even make it 20 seconds. It's like, EMDR-lite, kind of. That's how I see it, lol.
  4. AliciaEff

    AliciaEff Active Member

    I just re-started EMDR after a year of not doing it and it has been way more disturbing than I remember, but there was one amazing fact that I have clung to....

    My trauma is abuse so both therapists asked me for the “worst” incident and it changed. We worked on the worst in my first round a year ago and now it does not feel like such a big deal, something else has replaced it as the worst, so I have hope that it works. Maybe that gives you a bit of hope too?
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