The betrayal of a "brother"

[Silent Walker]

When I was young, I was scared. I didn`t have a place where I could be myself, a place where I could fail, a place where I could try. A place where I could develop and grow. I hid. I hid from the world so it couldn`t hurt me, if I was not present, then I was indestructible. The person that was supposed to teach me how to become a man, was the one whom I was hiding from. My dad. His drinking, his screaming, his obsessive narcissitic control need. I needed him, but I had to stay away from him. I was confused...

Then I met an older guy. I was 6-7. He was 9. He said that he could protect me. That he would stop people from hurting me. That I was safe around him. I believed him. We started to meet often. He became part of my gang of friends, he soon became our leader. He was older than us, stronger than us, and very violent. He always wanted to play war. Pretend like we were soldiers, warriors from the past or Jedi Knights. He talked about things no child at that age should talk about. He was obsessed with being the hero in our fantasies, the violent, but fair hero. The Tom Cruise, the James Bonds. That`s who he wanted to be. I feared him. I looked up to him. I think we all did.

He became closest to me. He didn`t always show it when we were in a group setting, but when we were alone, he made me feel special. Like we were brothers. We used to spend the night at each others place. I think I was 7. Maybe 6. My room was 2 rooms from my parent`s room. Say 5 meter. I lied on the floor, on a matress,he on the bed. "I want to show you something", he said. I don`t know what I responded, can`t remember. He came closer to me. He took his hands underneath the covers, he touched me. I didn`t know what was happening. My penis did something I had never experienced before, it became hard? What is going on? I remember my body and mind being numb. I couldn`t move. I couldn`t think. It felt good. I was scared. I wanted to disappear. I did disappear. Like I knew from when my dad went into a rage. This wasn`t real, I convinced myself.

"Now it`s your turn. Do the same to me". He didn`t threaten me. He didn`t force me. I can never forgive myself for that. It was me. It was I who did it. I tell myself I did not understand what was going on. I tell that to myself when I hate myself. I am right, I did not understand. I know I am right. But I talk to deaf ears. How could I not defend myself? Why was I so weak? Why did I allow someone else to use me? I am not worthy of living, I am a useless piece of junk that deserves to be used. I do not deserve to defend myself. These are the thoughts that are my core belief. They have rendered me defenseless for so long. I am tired of it. I am tired of working on myself, tired of feeling stronger only to feel weak again. Tired of feeling alive, only to be dead inside moments later. I am so tired...

This lasted for several years. We continued to spend the night at eachothers place. He continued to initiate sexual acts. They escalated. He would always start by fantasizing. "We are Jedi`s in Star Wars. We just been to a war. Bla bla bla... You come home, and you meet your girlfriend"....Before I had a two digit age, I had more sexual experience than a normal pre 20 year old. When I was 14 I probably had more experience than most young adults. Seven years of penetration, masturbation and dick-sucking. How can I ever live with myself, knowing that this happened? The man the outside world saw as my best friend, the one who called me brother. It`s the one that damaged me the most. Who made my soul escape my body, and who brought the world of depersonalization on me. How could he? What did he think? Why?... Just why?

I am so tired of keeping this nightmare within me. I have to let it out. Thank you for listening, thank you for your responses.

 

[somerandomguy]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It is not your fault. You were abused. You didn't "allow" anyone to do anything. You were manipulated. You were a CHILD.

I hope you find peace and healing here on the forums. This site and all the people here have helped me immeasurably. I wish the same for you.

 

[Silent Walker]

Thanks for kind words @somerandomguy, its always nice. I`m so tired of being invisible, and now I got this rage that is building up in me. Revenge thoughts. It represents the opposite of who I used to be. I guess this part of me has awoken after my mum passed away this year.

I want to give in to the rage and the hate. But I fear it. I fear what I can become. What I can do. But I need it at the same time. How can I control it? Use it for something good.. Right now it feels like it is devouring me..

I am spiraling between bouts of rage and episodes of depression. All in one day. Several times a day in. It's exhausting. I am sleeping most of the day. And I got my master thesis due in a couple of weeks.. I feel so exhausted. But I know I gotta push, keep on going.

The thing is that finishing my thesis now, feels like what I have always done.. Surviving, doing what is expected of me, not listening to myself.. Not being myself. I need to build myself up from bare bones, not pursue a career, a "normal" life. I need to accept that I am f*cked, and work on myself. Well.. I am official rambling at this point.

Thanks for reading, it feels good to talk to People that Can relate, understand. It alleviates this sense of loneliness that not even being around People can cure, cause they wont understand.. They wont relate. And Even if they would, how do you share? How do you Open up?

 

[somerandomguy]

It alleviates this sense of loneliness that not even being around People can cure, cause they wont understand.. They wont relate. And Even if they would, how do you share? How do you Open up?

You choose those people very carefully.

For years, I wouldn't talk about my PTSD with my wife. I didn't see why I should. I didn't trust her. I knew she wouldn't understand. She's never been through trauma.

But one day I was triggered so badly that I didn't even care what her reaction would be. I just needed to tell someone how awful I felt. And she reacted with sensitivity and love. It wasn't understanding, because she doesn't get it. But that sensitivity and love made me realize that I could trust her, even if she didn't get it. And I think that kick-started my healing.

 

[Silent Walker]

I Opened up about most of what's happened to me with my T, including the sexual stuff. No details about that though, Just general speaking. Does it help to speak about the incidents in more detail maybe? It feels... So impossible. But what I learned is That what I dont want to speak about, is more often than not what I need to speak about.

Anyways, what I wanted to say is That talking with the T doesnt feel fulfilling.. It feels like i need someone That care more deeply about me to listen. But i dont have That in my life. And it tears me apart. That i have No one That Can give me That love That you talk about. I think That atm it is this void That is triggering depression, this loneliness..

My T is also going on a maternity leave now for more than a year. Two more sessions. I really bonded with her and she helped me alot..i would be lying if I Said That I am not terrified about That...

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't think anyone can take the pain away @Silent Walker , but it can reduce. It helps if someone understands trauma.

Good luck on your thesis. These things will be there for a long time to process, enjoy what is there now, if possible.

Welcome to you.

 

[Silent Walker]

I developed a new side of myself this last year. The anger. It helps me a lot in getting better, in allievating confusion and dissociation. But it also brings along new and scary thoughts. Revenge, thoughts of hurting other people. I dont want to become what I have feared my whole life, the narcissist and the psychopath. The one who hurts. It feels like its a risk I have to take to get better though, because I dont think I can heal without exploring my anger. I just hope it wont consume me...

 

[Silent Walker]

I do not know what to say, but I want to say something. I want to work on my diary.

I am currently working hard on myself, physically and mentally. I train everyday, and I study physics, which is one of my great interests. I see my therapist once a week, and I also participate in group therapy.

My inner state fluctuates a lot. The last couple of months, my own mental nightmare has resurfaced : Depersonalization. The feeling of being unreal. Yet now, the feeling only lasts seconds, maximum a few minutes. It scares the living shit out of me, but still, I know now that it is only a feeling. Reality is just as real nonetheless. And I also know that I am not going crazy. I think that depersonalization has come back because I am starting to getting closer to myself, and my own trauma. Therefore, I see it as a good sign. I know that I have to meet this old enemy of the mind and survive it if I want to heal. ( I suffered from Dp and Dr for 8 years, from 14 till 22). It`s been six years since I started to work my way out of depersonalization hell.

I think I never fully felt human. I don`t know how to explain it. It makes no sense, cause I know that I am human. I think it simly is a trick of the mind, an explanation for why shitty things have been done towards me by others. I was not human, I was worth less than them. I should not complain, I am not important. I am not human, can`t I see? They need to hurt me, they need to do it. I can see their pain, I can sacrifice myself for them, since I am not important...

 

[littleoc]

I feel the not-human thing, too, and other people on these forums have mentioned it, too. You're not alone. But you're absolutely human, and you are deserving of good things and self-forgiveness. :hug::hug:

I dont want to become what I have feared my whole life, the narcissist and the psychopath.

I don't get the feeling from your posts that you would go this far, simply because you don't want to. It's okay to be angry -- it's a part of grief. It's an emotion that can help you heal.

Also, I think it's cool that you're studying physics! I wish I knew more about physics, but it takes me a long time to grasp the concepts. So, I think you must be pretty smart!

 

[unbrokenn]

This is absolutely heartbreaking. You were totally not responsible for what happened to you in the slightest. This person took advantage of your kindness and good will, and took this opportunity to really do awful horrible heinous things. You were a child. You were not liable for what happened. You still are not at fault, even though I know there may be days it may feel like it. Believe me, I don’t know how you feel. But I’ve had the experience of being sexually abused by someone at the age of 6. He was 60. I trusted him as a religious figure and he totally took advantage of this trusting relationship as well. Whatever emotions you feel are normal. You go through anger, sadness, hurt, betrayal, or just numbness. But it’s all okay. It’s all valid. Take all the time you need because you deserve that time to truly heal.