The Blame Game

keystonegirl

New Here
I don't get it. I really don't. Why is it when you love someone they just don't get it? I work in healthcare and I usually work nights. My boyfriend, soon to be husband seems to think the fact that I don't sleep at night on my days off is due to my PTSD. Really? I'm made to feel as though it's my fault this is occurring. He likes to blame everything he feels is wrong in our relationship on my PTSD. What a convenient excuse to use; for him. I have explained to him ad nauseam that I do have hypervigilance and sometimes it does intrude into our relationship. It's something that I've been working on for years to reduce the anxiety and stress I feel about it. He doesn't make it any better by constantly bringing it up. If anyone has any tips or suggestions on this topic, please let me know. Thanx so much for listening to me.
 

Friday

Moderator
I’ve worked night shifts off & on for YEARS.

Best shift EVER when my kids were in elementary school… as I worked while they slept, came home & woke them up, morning madness, dropped them off… and then slept while they were in school. Woke up. Picked them up. Spent the afternoon/evening with them. Put them to bed. Went to work.

But?

A whole helluva lotta people are unable to wrap their minds around realities different from their own. I’m having a steak and a beer at 8am, not 8pm. Because that’s my dinner before bedtime. I’m staying up wicked LATE for the 11am soccer match on Saturday, and the parent teacher conference slot? Or doctors appointment? Or random whomever knocking on my door waking me up? Is my 2am.

Even though it wasn’t completely accurate, I just flipped the meridian for most people.

“I work nights. This is 11 PM for me.”
“I work nights. This is 2 AM for me.”

Over & over & over…. And most people? Sloooooowly learn to flip the meridian when they’re thinking about me. Rather than judging me by themselves. But not all people by a long shot. Some people, I’ve found, are NEVER able to view someone who only sleeps 4 hours a day as anything but a lazy good for nothing sleeps all day mess. <roll eyes> Because if they got up at 2pm? They’ve have almost slept the clock around. Or been sick/drunk/hungover. So -clearly- I must be doing what would be true in their lives, instead of what’s true in mine. Most of the time I can just write those people off as stupid. But sometimes even stupid people are required facets in my life. Just hopefully not core facets.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
hello keystone. welcome to the forum. are you, perchance, a pennsylvania girl?

my first run at shift work was in the army at a 24/7 duty post with rotating shifts. the base snack bar accommodated all menus, 24/7. working midnight shift was a hoot because it was typical to find my hamburger and beer tray floating down the line between omelets and coffee.

anyhoo. . . getting back on topic. . .

my hubby of 42 years isn't as bad on this as he was in our first years together, but he still does it often enough to give me chump dumping fantasies. i handle it with a 2 prong approach. 1) boundary time. . . you ain't my therapist, babycakes. even when they are qualified to therapute john q. public, spouses make lousy therapists. 2) lean heavily on my therapy support network while i'm setting those boundaries with the love of my life. this very forum is among the good places to lean.

steadying support while you find what works for you. welcome aboard.
 

keystonegirl

New Here
I’ve worked night shifts off & on for YEARS.

Best shift EVER when my kids were in elementary school… as I worked while they slept, came home & woke them up, morning madness, dropped them off… and then slept while they were in school. Woke up. Picked them up. Spent the afternoon/evening with them. Put them to bed. Went to work.

But?

A whole helluva lotta people are unable to wrap their minds around realities different from their own. I’m having a steak and a beer at 8am, not 8pm. Because that’s my dinner before bedtime. I’m staying up wicked LATE for the 11am soccer match on Saturday, and the parent teacher conference slot? Or doctors appointment? Or random whomever knocking on my door waking me up? Is my 2am.

Even though it wasn’t completely accurate, I just flipped the meridian for most people.

“I work nights. This is 11 PM for me.”
“I work nights. This is 2 AM for me.”

Over & over & over…. And most people? Sloooooowly learn to flip the meridian when they’re thinking about me. Rather than judging me by themselves. But not all people by a long shot. Some people, I’ve found, are NEVER able to view someone who only sleeps 4 hours a day as anything but a lazy good for nothing sleeps all day mess. <roll eyes> Because if they got up at 2pm? They’ve have almost slept the clock around. Or been sick/drunk/hungover. So -clearly- I must be doing what would be true in their lives, instead of what’s true in mine. Most of the time I can just write those people off as stupid. But sometimes even stupid people are required facets in my life. Just hopefully not core facets.

Thanx so much for your reply. I can see how you have dealt with this issue. I'm grateful for your response. I'll take your suggestions and put them to good use!

hello keystone. welcome to the forum. are you, perchance, a pennsylvania girl?

my first run at shift work was in the army at a 24/7 duty post with rotating shifts. the base snack bar accommodated all menus, 24/7. working midnight shift was a hoot because it was typical to find my hamburger and beer tray floating down the line between omelets and coffee.

anyhoo. . . getting back on topic. . .

my hubby of 42 years isn't as bad on this as he was in our first years together, but he still does it often enough to give me chump dumping fantasies. i handle it with a 2 prong approach. 1) boundary time. . . you ain't my therapist, babycakes. even when they are qualified to therapute john q. public, spouses make lousy therapists. 2) lean heavily on my therapy support network while i'm setting those boundaries with the love of my life. this very forum is among the good places to lean.

steadying support while you find what works for you. welcome aboard.

Thanx so much for your reply. Yes, I am a Pennsylvania girl lol. I wanted you to know that love the way you weave humor through your responses. It certainly makes it easier to deal with such a heavy topic. And gives me a laugh even if I'm struggling with this issue. Your advice is spot on; and I will definitely let my boyfriend know he's not a therapist; (he works on oil rigs in the Gulf of Mexico), even if he doesn't want to hear it. I appreciate your advice to me.
 
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