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Deleted member 47099
So, I generally think I'm quite well-read when it comes to psychology, but every now and then I'll stumble across something that is new to me and which feels like a real "ohhhhh" moment, where things fall into place. Often it's things that I've sort of half-realised, but finally seeing it put into words concisely can be such an eye-opener.
So the concept of meta-emotions... The feelings we have about our feelings... Like feeling sad and then feeling embarrassed about feeling sad... Or feeling scared and then feeling confused about feeling scared... Or feeling depressed and feeling frustrated about feeling depressed... And so on...
So, I think I was half-aware that yeah, of course we have feelings *about* our feelings...
But reading the wikipedia page about it, I was fascinated to see that in terms of parenting and in terms of our (abusive or non-abusive) childhood experiences, parents actually have meta-emotions about their kids' emotions... And as kids we learn our meta-emotions from our parents' meta-emotions...
So that's where it gets complicated and interesting.
So there are 3 main categories of how parents have meta-emotions about their kids' emotions: good, neutral-ish and bad.
And the crux of it is, how do the parents feel about/ think about/ deal with their kids' negative emotions. (As we all know, positive emotions are a walk in the park compared to the intense complexity of negative emotions).
So, the positive meta-emotion approach is called "emotion-coaching philosophy"
Here, parents think it's normal and healthy for their children to have both positive and negative emotions. They don't feel threatened by their kids' negative emotions. They view the child's negative emotions as learning and growth opportunities and help the child process their negative feelings in that way.
Then there's the neutral-ish approach (which isn't really neutral, but it's less crap than the really crap approach. This is called "dismissive emotion philosophy".
These parents don't see their kids' negative emotions as something normal and healthy. They view negative emotions as negative. They feel that negative emotions are scary or harmful. They want them to go away. So they may try to "cheer up" a sad child or "distract" a grumpy child in an attempt to get rid of the negative emotions. Or they may feel threatened by their kids' negative emotion... that their child feeling sad means that they are a bad parent... and will wish to "cheer up" the child in order to feel like a "good" parent.
And then there's the really crappy type, called "disapproving emotion philosophy".
These parents think that children shouldn't have negative emotions. So, if a child is upset then the parent thinks the child is being "whiny" or "selfish" or "bad". These parents disapprove of their child's negative emotions and use sanctions or discipline to demand the child stop having and/or displaying the negative emotion. Which is obviously *quite* a headf*ck for kids and qualifies as emotional abuse in my book.
So yeah... the wikipedia article on it: Meta-Emotions was quite an eye-opener for me, cos so much fell into place about how my parents had (both in different ways) thought/ felt/ reacted to any negative emotions I had as a child, and how that formed the inner dialogue of my meta-emotions and how I deal with my negative emotions.
It's also making me reflect how I respond to other ppl's negative emotions. I think I had zero chance of learning a healthy approach to emotions in childhood, so I think I mostly respond with the middle reponse (e.g. trying to cheer ppl up when they're sad).
So I'd like to shift to that healthier stance... Of genuinely viewing my own negative emotions as "a growth and learning opportunity" and seeing other people's negative emotions as "a growth and learning opportunity for them".
Which, to my brain, sounds like someone talking in a foreign language... (thanks childhood trauma). Not sure I can truly wrap my head around "negative emotions = growth and learning opportunity". But I will try to get there.
(I'm going to @Freida and @Freemartin cos we've talked about the "omg negative feelings" thing so often. And @Innordinate and @Chris-duck we've talked about this stuff countless times too, so maybe you'll find it interesting too.)
So the concept of meta-emotions... The feelings we have about our feelings... Like feeling sad and then feeling embarrassed about feeling sad... Or feeling scared and then feeling confused about feeling scared... Or feeling depressed and feeling frustrated about feeling depressed... And so on...
So, I think I was half-aware that yeah, of course we have feelings *about* our feelings...
But reading the wikipedia page about it, I was fascinated to see that in terms of parenting and in terms of our (abusive or non-abusive) childhood experiences, parents actually have meta-emotions about their kids' emotions... And as kids we learn our meta-emotions from our parents' meta-emotions...
So that's where it gets complicated and interesting.
So there are 3 main categories of how parents have meta-emotions about their kids' emotions: good, neutral-ish and bad.
And the crux of it is, how do the parents feel about/ think about/ deal with their kids' negative emotions. (As we all know, positive emotions are a walk in the park compared to the intense complexity of negative emotions).
So, the positive meta-emotion approach is called "emotion-coaching philosophy"
Here, parents think it's normal and healthy for their children to have both positive and negative emotions. They don't feel threatened by their kids' negative emotions. They view the child's negative emotions as learning and growth opportunities and help the child process their negative feelings in that way.
Then there's the neutral-ish approach (which isn't really neutral, but it's less crap than the really crap approach. This is called "dismissive emotion philosophy".
These parents don't see their kids' negative emotions as something normal and healthy. They view negative emotions as negative. They feel that negative emotions are scary or harmful. They want them to go away. So they may try to "cheer up" a sad child or "distract" a grumpy child in an attempt to get rid of the negative emotions. Or they may feel threatened by their kids' negative emotion... that their child feeling sad means that they are a bad parent... and will wish to "cheer up" the child in order to feel like a "good" parent.
And then there's the really crappy type, called "disapproving emotion philosophy".
These parents think that children shouldn't have negative emotions. So, if a child is upset then the parent thinks the child is being "whiny" or "selfish" or "bad". These parents disapprove of their child's negative emotions and use sanctions or discipline to demand the child stop having and/or displaying the negative emotion. Which is obviously *quite* a headf*ck for kids and qualifies as emotional abuse in my book.
So yeah... the wikipedia article on it: Meta-Emotions was quite an eye-opener for me, cos so much fell into place about how my parents had (both in different ways) thought/ felt/ reacted to any negative emotions I had as a child, and how that formed the inner dialogue of my meta-emotions and how I deal with my negative emotions.
It's also making me reflect how I respond to other ppl's negative emotions. I think I had zero chance of learning a healthy approach to emotions in childhood, so I think I mostly respond with the middle reponse (e.g. trying to cheer ppl up when they're sad).
So I'd like to shift to that healthier stance... Of genuinely viewing my own negative emotions as "a growth and learning opportunity" and seeing other people's negative emotions as "a growth and learning opportunity for them".
Which, to my brain, sounds like someone talking in a foreign language... (thanks childhood trauma). Not sure I can truly wrap my head around "negative emotions = growth and learning opportunity". But I will try to get there.
(I'm going to @Freida and @Freemartin cos we've talked about the "omg negative feelings" thing so often. And @Innordinate and @Chris-duck we've talked about this stuff countless times too, so maybe you'll find it interesting too.)