Muttly
MyPTSD Pro
I am going to try to make this a constructive thread. I can see my getting all spinny and/or saying too much and running away from it. So...
Monday is the dad's birthday. I am pretty sure he's still alive. I would have heard if he died. I've been pushing it out of my brain and pretending it doesn't matter but of course it does. I'm triggered. Insiders have been having panic attacks. We've had some flashbacks. We aren't able to walk without looking behind ourselves. we are back to not being able to let a man stand behind us. We cut contact with him years ago, but we never moved and on our birthday and during the holidays get mail from him. It's possible he still emails us, but we made him spam. Heh. The brother is more aggressive? and still calls and texts at times.
Part of why we have been pretending it doesn't matter is because we don't have any specific memories of sexual abuse on his birthday. So, it feels like creating drama for the sake of drama. Of course any birthday in the family was a cluster F*ck. Our family kept itself isolated from others. And it was drilled into us that family was everything and we were obligated to each others. Gifts were mandatory and if the wrong gifts were given, you were not only personally failing, you were causing the birthday person great pain. Fights were more common around birthdays. You had to be present for the birthday. Even after we were adult and moved away, that was the expectation. If you didn't show up, you were letting the entire family down and being selfish. Even if you were ill or injured, it was still your fault for ruining the birthday.
So... yeah, I don't much like birthday. But that doesn't explain the flashbacks. That doesn't explain the fact our skin has been crawling. It does explain why we keep getting edgy every time a car slows down in front of our house. In the past, with both me and the brother, there has been this sentiment that if we don't show up for the family, the family will come get us. Well, it's more than sentiment. They show up. They have gone so far as showing up or calling your workplace too. It does explain why when the phone rings, we have that moment of dread. That was another tactic they would use. Calling and calling and calling and calling until you would break down and answer just to make it end.
We are tired of getting triggered by this sh*t. we want to just have it be a day and not have this huge build up to the day and the inevitable crash after.
PS- Sorry for making a post. It feels like we haven't been very present or supportive lately :P
PPS - Sorry for the Sorry
PPPS - Sorry if we used the wrong prefix, wasn't sure what the right one would be
PPPPS - sorry for all the PSing
Monday is the dad's birthday. I am pretty sure he's still alive. I would have heard if he died. I've been pushing it out of my brain and pretending it doesn't matter but of course it does. I'm triggered. Insiders have been having panic attacks. We've had some flashbacks. We aren't able to walk without looking behind ourselves. we are back to not being able to let a man stand behind us. We cut contact with him years ago, but we never moved and on our birthday and during the holidays get mail from him. It's possible he still emails us, but we made him spam. Heh. The brother is more aggressive? and still calls and texts at times.
Part of why we have been pretending it doesn't matter is because we don't have any specific memories of sexual abuse on his birthday. So, it feels like creating drama for the sake of drama. Of course any birthday in the family was a cluster F*ck. Our family kept itself isolated from others. And it was drilled into us that family was everything and we were obligated to each others. Gifts were mandatory and if the wrong gifts were given, you were not only personally failing, you were causing the birthday person great pain. Fights were more common around birthdays. You had to be present for the birthday. Even after we were adult and moved away, that was the expectation. If you didn't show up, you were letting the entire family down and being selfish. Even if you were ill or injured, it was still your fault for ruining the birthday.
So... yeah, I don't much like birthday. But that doesn't explain the flashbacks. That doesn't explain the fact our skin has been crawling. It does explain why we keep getting edgy every time a car slows down in front of our house. In the past, with both me and the brother, there has been this sentiment that if we don't show up for the family, the family will come get us. Well, it's more than sentiment. They show up. They have gone so far as showing up or calling your workplace too. It does explain why when the phone rings, we have that moment of dread. That was another tactic they would use. Calling and calling and calling and calling until you would break down and answer just to make it end.
We are tired of getting triggered by this sh*t. we want to just have it be a day and not have this huge build up to the day and the inevitable crash after.
PS- Sorry for making a post. It feels like we haven't been very present or supportive lately :P
PPS - Sorry for the Sorry
PPPS - Sorry if we used the wrong prefix, wasn't sure what the right one would be
PPPPS - sorry for all the PSing