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Other The dad's birthday

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Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
I am going to try to make this a constructive thread. I can see my getting all spinny and/or saying too much and running away from it. So...

Monday is the dad's birthday. I am pretty sure he's still alive. I would have heard if he died. I've been pushing it out of my brain and pretending it doesn't matter but of course it does. I'm triggered. Insiders have been having panic attacks. We've had some flashbacks. We aren't able to walk without looking behind ourselves. we are back to not being able to let a man stand behind us. We cut contact with him years ago, but we never moved and on our birthday and during the holidays get mail from him. It's possible he still emails us, but we made him spam. Heh. The brother is more aggressive? and still calls and texts at times.

Part of why we have been pretending it doesn't matter is because we don't have any specific memories of sexual abuse on his birthday. So, it feels like creating drama for the sake of drama. Of course any birthday in the family was a cluster F*ck. Our family kept itself isolated from others. And it was drilled into us that family was everything and we were obligated to each others. Gifts were mandatory and if the wrong gifts were given, you were not only personally failing, you were causing the birthday person great pain. Fights were more common around birthdays. You had to be present for the birthday. Even after we were adult and moved away, that was the expectation. If you didn't show up, you were letting the entire family down and being selfish. Even if you were ill or injured, it was still your fault for ruining the birthday.

So... yeah, I don't much like birthday. But that doesn't explain the flashbacks. That doesn't explain the fact our skin has been crawling. It does explain why we keep getting edgy every time a car slows down in front of our house. In the past, with both me and the brother, there has been this sentiment that if we don't show up for the family, the family will come get us. Well, it's more than sentiment. They show up. They have gone so far as showing up or calling your workplace too. It does explain why when the phone rings, we have that moment of dread. That was another tactic they would use. Calling and calling and calling and calling until you would break down and answer just to make it end.

We are tired of getting triggered by this sh*t. we want to just have it be a day and not have this huge build up to the day and the inevitable crash after.

PS- Sorry for making a post. It feels like we haven't been very present or supportive lately :P
PPS - Sorry for the Sorry
PPPS - Sorry if we used the wrong prefix, wasn't sure what the right one would be
PPPPS - sorry for all the PSing
 
Sounds to me like some more time for letting the whole family down and being selfish. :sneaky:

Because in the world out of creeps, that is called just having a nice day to yourself, and being an adult with their own life.

Is there anything that conveys Time for us, and we are a priority, not anyone else, to all yall?
 
But that doesn't explain the flashbacks. That doesn't explain the fact our skin has been crawling.
But I think it does. You're stressed as hell over this, which is going to make you way more symptomatic.

Do you think there's still a piece of you that feels like you're letting your family down by not being there? Is there still a piece of you that's beating yourself up about it because of all the crap you internalized?
 
@Ronin I keep trying to answer your question and getting so garbled.

- I just had two days off, where I focused on R&R so I had time I prioritized for myself
- I do that a lot. I'm always putting myself first
- because of the above, I am selfish
-I was burned out and about to break, I needed those two days
-I'm supposed to make other people the priority
-I've been putting myself before my family for years now and have done them all sorts of damage, so no matter how much I prioritize others it will never be enough to make up for the damage I've done

hmmmm

@somerandomguy ok, what you said about the stress cup makes sense. Bah humbag. Add in to the stress above money worries and my a-hole boss and yeah, lots of stress.

and yeah, it seems there is still internalized messages. this overriding idea that even if it might be the right thing to do, cutting contact is still doing them major damage and that's my fault.
 
:hug:
Muttly, I love you. You have such a noble heart, a caring heart, a brave heart. You don't want any being to hurt, ever. Except yourself. It's fine if you hurt because you think you don't matter. I get it.

I don't want you to hurt. I want you to be OK with putting yourself first sometimes. My hope for you is that you realize that you matter. You matter just as much as anyone else. And you matter far, far more than those f*cks who hurt you.
 
Random was here, saying everything I wanted to say, with more grace already.

Muttly, you are not bulldozering happiness of other people by taking a pause and needing a moment for yourself, by having needs, by being a person. And if they insist you are? Them not the people worth your presence, and f*ck making them happy.
 
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-I've been putting myself before my family for years now and have done them all sorts of damage

That would be true if you’d been responsible for your family, like they were your children you walked out on. Your dad? Is NOT your kid. You are not responsible for him, or his happiness.

You can only abandon kids & pets. Everyone else? Can take care of themselves. They may not want to, but they can.
 
@somerandomguy and @Ronin Thank you. I feel like you've misread me but then if I say that I worry I am coming across as if I'm looking for compliments. I'm not. I could write this huge list of all the ways I'm lacking. All the things I could and should do better.

And I feel like I swirl around this same stuff (worth?) over and over and talking about doesn't really solve anything. I either feel attention seeking, like a fraud or like a failure

And when it comes to my family, since I cut contact, I've been putting myself first for years. So it's not just sometimes.

And this circling around of this stuff, it's the feel like failure because this is all negative bs.

@Friday Intellectually I know you are right. Mostly. But .... always the but... there's still this chunk of me that believes I am responsible for them.
 
Hi Muttly,
Some things I label as trauma symptoms as find they loom when trauma does and thats what you describe sounds like to me. And the brainwashing your family did.When I do I try to just let me flow past as much as possible if that makes sense.

So sorry you dealt with all of that. It sounds to me like his birthday is not only bringing up all the unhealthy and unfair indoctrination around birthdays but is also triggering you. Maybe because of the stress cup or maybe because of something else. I hope they all stay well away from you and give you some peace. In memory and reality.
 
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