From the age of 7 I was abused by my grandfather until the day he died 4 years later. As a very young child my grandad used to tease me, sing songs and such, like any grandad might. We were reasonably close, always watching the war or western films together, he'd side withe cowboys and i with the indians, you get the idea. But when I was 7 and my sister no longer spent any time with us because she was in high school and I still in my primary years, things started to change.
Recently I have started to feel as if there is another person or thing inside me. It feels part of me but yet separate. It feels as if there is something coiled up inside, forced into the cage of my physical body, as if it is a prisoner trapped behind the bars of my bones. I am naturally quite a rational, organised, person. I am known among my friends as 'the serious one', because I always do all the practical things involved in a relationship such as arranging times and places and generally planning things. I am also known as the smart one, because I am a straight a student and am not expected to be anything but that by my parents. This is the me that everyone sees. But then there is the creature inside me. I know that there can't possibly be someone else inside my body but it gets harder and harder to tell myself that each day. The thing inside is not like the me everyone sees. It is ferocious and desperate and passionate and full of anger and joy and need sometimes all at the same time. Sometimes I feel it move inside me. I feel twinges in my neck or down my spine and hear my joints click as if it were moving about like a snake under my skin. Except this thing inside feels compressed. Coiled up and forced in, and what it wants above all else is to get out. It wants to be everywhere at once and do everything both possible and impossble.
Sometimes I feel as if I am that creature. Sometimes I forget myself or feel distant from the people around me who I know, because I feel as if I am unconnected to them. This is very rare at the minute, but at times I feel the want to just scream for no reason at all, feel the next to scratch my head violently or tug at my hair. Sometimes I cry for no reason or need to crack my neck to one side or stretch as if trying to give the thing inside more space.
Is this in any way a thing that might blow over? Has anyone ever felt anything even remotely similar? i know this may not be connected to the sexual abuse, but it still might be and I'm scared that something is seriously wrong with me. The thing feels stronger and stronger every second, I feel as if my skin should peel away and the thing will jump out and fly away, but there will be nothing left of me when it does. The scary thing is that i want it to get out, I want it to be free.
I know I am still talking as if this is real but.. can anyone help?
Recently I have started to feel as if there is another person or thing inside me. It feels part of me but yet separate. It feels as if there is something coiled up inside, forced into the cage of my physical body, as if it is a prisoner trapped behind the bars of my bones. I am naturally quite a rational, organised, person. I am known among my friends as 'the serious one', because I always do all the practical things involved in a relationship such as arranging times and places and generally planning things. I am also known as the smart one, because I am a straight a student and am not expected to be anything but that by my parents. This is the me that everyone sees. But then there is the creature inside me. I know that there can't possibly be someone else inside my body but it gets harder and harder to tell myself that each day. The thing inside is not like the me everyone sees. It is ferocious and desperate and passionate and full of anger and joy and need sometimes all at the same time. Sometimes I feel it move inside me. I feel twinges in my neck or down my spine and hear my joints click as if it were moving about like a snake under my skin. Except this thing inside feels compressed. Coiled up and forced in, and what it wants above all else is to get out. It wants to be everywhere at once and do everything both possible and impossble.
Sometimes I feel as if I am that creature. Sometimes I forget myself or feel distant from the people around me who I know, because I feel as if I am unconnected to them. This is very rare at the minute, but at times I feel the want to just scream for no reason at all, feel the next to scratch my head violently or tug at my hair. Sometimes I cry for no reason or need to crack my neck to one side or stretch as if trying to give the thing inside more space.
Is this in any way a thing that might blow over? Has anyone ever felt anything even remotely similar? i know this may not be connected to the sexual abuse, but it still might be and I'm scared that something is seriously wrong with me. The thing feels stronger and stronger every second, I feel as if my skin should peel away and the thing will jump out and fly away, but there will be nothing left of me when it does. The scary thing is that i want it to get out, I want it to be free.
I know I am still talking as if this is real but.. can anyone help?
