My life. It’s me, the game is my life and no matter how hard I try I lose regardless.
I’ve been diagnosed with severe mdd, anxiety, ptsd and insomnia after years of avoiding a diagnosis.
I was well aware I wasn’t okay, I knew that I was mentally unstable, but I refused to let my therapists help me once we got anywhere near a diagnosis. All my life I’ve been told I’m the “crazy” one or that I’m just “dramatic”. It left me refusing to allow a name to be put to my problems, I wouldn’t dare allow myself to be medicated because I couldn’t let anyone tell me they were right, that I was in fact “crazy”. I was left with no choice once I was backer acted in may much to my dismay.
In the past 7 years I’ve had three failed suicide attempts, 2 in the last 3 months. The first I try not to compare to now since it was a different time, different feelings, emotions. I was told I’m playing Russian roulette with my life and honestly I couldn’t explain it any better. I’ve been playing this miserable game my whole life. Constantly fighting to stay alive, fighting myself to save myself. The past 3 months I just stopped caring enough to fight.
I’ll only be 20 for a couple more months, some see that as a short life left with a whole future, a whole life ahead of me but to me it feels like an entire lifetime. I never planned to make it this far so now that I’m here I just feel lost. I fought to stay stable, “happy” and strong my whole life. Weakness wasn’t an option and this feeling, this cold numbness that has me ready to do anything to make the pain stop makes me feel weak.
The world seems to love playing my game, refusing to let me win, giving any and everyone around me the cheat code in how to defeat me. Apparently my game is addicting, watching me lose, seeing me crumble and break every single time. My life is chaos and the game is never ending.
Welcome to the game.
I’ve been diagnosed with severe mdd, anxiety, ptsd and insomnia after years of avoiding a diagnosis.
I was well aware I wasn’t okay, I knew that I was mentally unstable, but I refused to let my therapists help me once we got anywhere near a diagnosis. All my life I’ve been told I’m the “crazy” one or that I’m just “dramatic”. It left me refusing to allow a name to be put to my problems, I wouldn’t dare allow myself to be medicated because I couldn’t let anyone tell me they were right, that I was in fact “crazy”. I was left with no choice once I was backer acted in may much to my dismay.
In the past 7 years I’ve had three failed suicide attempts, 2 in the last 3 months. The first I try not to compare to now since it was a different time, different feelings, emotions. I was told I’m playing Russian roulette with my life and honestly I couldn’t explain it any better. I’ve been playing this miserable game my whole life. Constantly fighting to stay alive, fighting myself to save myself. The past 3 months I just stopped caring enough to fight.
I’ll only be 20 for a couple more months, some see that as a short life left with a whole future, a whole life ahead of me but to me it feels like an entire lifetime. I never planned to make it this far so now that I’m here I just feel lost. I fought to stay stable, “happy” and strong my whole life. Weakness wasn’t an option and this feeling, this cold numbness that has me ready to do anything to make the pain stop makes me feel weak.
The world seems to love playing my game, refusing to let me win, giving any and everyone around me the cheat code in how to defeat me. Apparently my game is addicting, watching me lose, seeing me crumble and break every single time. My life is chaos and the game is never ending.
Welcome to the game.