Sufferer The game I’m losing - major depression, PTSD, struggling

[Jxnelle]

My life. It’s me, the game is my life and no matter how hard I try I lose regardless.

I’ve been diagnosed with severe mdd, anxiety, ptsd and insomnia after years of avoiding a diagnosis.

I was well aware I wasn’t okay, I knew that I was mentally unstable, but I refused to let my therapists help me once we got anywhere near a diagnosis. All my life I’ve been told I’m the “crazy” one or that I’m just “dramatic”. It left me refusing to allow a name to be put to my problems, I wouldn’t dare allow myself to be medicated because I couldn’t let anyone tell me they were right, that I was in fact “crazy”. I was left with no choice once I was backer acted in may much to my dismay.

In the past 7 years I’ve had three failed suicide attempts, 2 in the last 3 months. The first I try not to compare to now since it was a different time, different feelings, emotions. I was told I’m playing Russian roulette with my life and honestly I couldn’t explain it any better. I’ve been playing this miserable game my whole life. Constantly fighting to stay alive, fighting myself to save myself. The past 3 months I just stopped caring enough to fight.

I’ll only be 20 for a couple more months, some see that as a short life left with a whole future, a whole life ahead of me but to me it feels like an entire lifetime. I never planned to make it this far so now that I’m here I just feel lost. I fought to stay stable, “happy” and strong my whole life. Weakness wasn’t an option and this feeling, this cold numbness that has me ready to do anything to make the pain stop makes me feel weak.

The world seems to love playing my game, refusing to let me win, giving any and everyone around me the cheat code in how to defeat me. Apparently my game is addicting, watching me lose, seeing me crumble and break every single time. My life is chaos and the game is never ending.

Welcome to the game.

 

[arfie]

hello jxnelle. welcome to the forum. i hope you'll forgive me if i pass on the invite to that game. even baseball is too brutal a game for my taste. your game sounds as brutal as the game russia and ukraine are playing.

hope you'll find some new sporting interests here.
healing hopes for all. no exceptions.
welcome aboard.

 

[ninecatlives]

My life. It’s me, the game is my life and no matter how hard I try I lose regardless.

I’ve been diagnosed with severe mdd, anxiety, ptsd and insomnia after years of avoiding a diagnosis.

I was well aware I wasn’t okay, I knew that I was mentally unstable, but I refused to let my therapists help me once we got anywhere near a diagnosis. All my life I’ve been told I’m the “crazy” one or that I’m just “dramatic”. It left me refusing to allow a name to be put to my problems, I wouldn’t dare allow myself to be medicated because I couldn’t let anyone tell me they were right, that I was in fact “crazy”. I was left with no choice once I was backer acted in may much to my dismay.

In the past 7 years I’ve had three failed suicide attempts, 2 in the last 3 months. The first I try not to compare to now since it was a different time, different feelings, emotions. I was told I’m playing Russian roulette with my life and honestly I couldn’t explain it any better. I’ve been playing this miserable game my whole life. Constantly fighting to stay alive, fighting myself to save myself. The past 3 months I just stopped caring enough to fight.

I’ll only be 20 for a couple more months, some see that as a short life left with a whole future, a whole life ahead of me but to me it feels like an entire lifetime. I never planned to make it this far so now that I’m here I just feel lost. I fought to stay stable, “happy” and strong my whole life. Weakness wasn’t an option and this feeling, this cold numbness that has me ready to do anything to make the pain stop makes me feel weak.

The world seems to love playing my game, refusing to let me win, giving any and everyone around me the cheat code in how to defeat me. Apparently my game is addicting, watching me lose, seeing me crumble and break every single time. My life is chaos and the game is never ending.

Welcome to the game.

youth and therefore time ahead of us is the biggest treasure that we humans can have. Time in which we can correct our mistakes, choose another path or just simply land a better ticket in this lottery game of life. You are in this position, take advantage of it. Speaking from age 59, I made many mistakes due to cptsd, and little time left to correct them.

 

[elephant]

Hi @Jxnelle, welcome to the forum

I’ll only be 20 for a couple more months, some see that as a short life left with a whole future, a whole life ahead of me but to me it feels like an entire lifetime.

I'm 19 and I can very much relate to this, probably a little too much. I don't know what else to say, I just wanted to let you know I relate to what you just said.

 

[KafRN]

My life. It’s me, the game is my life and no matter how hard I try I lose regardless.

I’ve been diagnosed with severe mdd, anxiety, ptsd and insomnia after years of avoiding a diagnosis.

I was well aware I wasn’t okay, I knew that I was mentally unstable, but I refused to let my therapists help me once we got anywhere near a diagnosis. All my life I’ve been told I’m the “crazy” one or that I’m just “dramatic”. It left me refusing to allow a name to be put to my problems, I wouldn’t dare allow myself to be medicated because I couldn’t let anyone tell me they were right, that I was in fact “crazy”. I was left with no choice once I was backer acted in may much to my dismay.

In the past 7 years I’ve had three failed suicide attempts, 2 in the last 3 months. The first I try not to compare to now since it was a different time, different feelings, emotions. I was told I’m playing Russian roulette with my life and honestly I couldn’t explain it any better. I’ve been playing this miserable game my whole life. Constantly fighting to stay alive, fighting myself to save myself. The past 3 months I just stopped caring enough to fight.

I’ll only be 20 for a couple more months, some see that as a short life left with a whole future, a whole life ahead of me but to me it feels like an entire lifetime. I never planned to make it this far so now that I’m here I just feel lost. I fought to stay stable, “happy” and strong my whole life. Weakness wasn’t an option and this feeling, this cold numbness that has me ready to do anything to make the pain stop makes me feel weak.

The world seems to love playing my game, refusing to let me win, giving any and everyone around me the cheat code in how to defeat me. Apparently my game is addicting, watching me lose, seeing me crumble and break every single time. My life is chaos and the game is never ending.

Welcome to the game.

I’m sorry that you’re struggling. I can see parts of myself in you. You are not alone. I don’t know you or your personal struggles but I hope you find your joy again.