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The legend of zencat

BrokenDoll

MyPTSD Pro
Zencat is a sweet girl who saw too much and I am sure that my abuser was hurting me when I was very young. I was tortured and starved and beaten, and SA. I am certain that my abuser was in some cult, my drawings as a child reference certain symbols. Looking through my old drawings and school work, I was a very bright child. There was a bad teacher in a school that I went to. I also worked way too hard for any child to work. I had to steal food to survive.

I have been revictimized as a teen who was thrown out too young and got hurt there. There is a number of SA I have been through. I was raped at knifepoint by two men I had worked with. (Something happened between another employee and me. This I believe was retaliation for standing up for myself or because I thought they were both gross and wouldn't have anything to do with either of them)

There is someone in power that is making my PTSD symptoms worse. I am neglecting my hygiene on purpose, though I don't want to.

Also, I can't stand the way that the towel feels when I dry off. It's connected to my abuse.

I am a prisoner until that person is no longer a threat to me.

I have no energy. I can keep my clothes clean. This is aging me terribly and I get scared to sleep and I don't know why.

Thanks for reading.
 
I'm sorry for everything you've been through. I know that sounds cliche and maybe even indifferent but I mean that sincerely.
I don't touch the ritualistic part of what happened to me. I'm pretty sure it's why I don't draw anymore and just end up going to bed (even during the day) when I do try to draw so I think you're brave to do that.
Are you in any kind of therapy, Zencat? I hope you start to feel better and get the support you need. We're here and we're listening.
 
Thank you, frogthroat. I was in therapy earlier this year. I take medication which helps greatly. I also exercise. It seems that the more tired I am, the better sleep I get. I feel suffocated like when I was younger.

I have to fix my anxiety level.

You are very kind, thank you.
 
I am so tired. I can't sleep very well. I need to bathe but can't. I'm so stressed out. As usual, it doesn't feel safe to be me. I don't have any energy. I'm tired of merely existing and surviving. I'm sick of feeling like it's never okay to just be me. Why am I being punished for things I didn't ask for?
 
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Why do you interpret your difficulties as "being punished"? I think I'd myth bust the cognitive discussion. Congratulations on starting your diary... stress reduction techniques, selfcare... that's just a starting place. Was for me too... it can get better. Honest.
 
Thanks. I haven't been able to shower for a year now. I might lose my front teeth too. I'm sick of being an object, so it doesn't bother me.

Someone hit on me who shouldn't have, so my anxiety is high. They deny it now. I feel that he is predatory. It doesn't matter how many times I complain about him. I'm suffocated under their control.

I appreciate your kindness.
 
You're welcome and just bear in mind that there are some things very optional in selfcare... but when issues elevate to potential health issues (like losing your front teeth) it's time to reconsider how you're thinking and coping behaviors have become possibly problematic and maladaptive, 'k? Reading along as you share Zencat.
 
Zencat, I'm not judging you at all when I say this so please don't get upset but I can't imagine going that long without bathing. That would be so horrible.
What do you think you would need to feel safe enough to shower? Maybe EMDR would help?
 
I understand what you are saying. Thank you. I shouldn't have to live in such terror. I feel so worn out.
I've done EDMR. It does help. I don't feel safe at home or when I walk through the complex. I've done 3 years of therapy total.

Trust me, this is a horrendous nightmare. I know I need to bathe. It reminds me of when I was younger (CSA) Thank you frogthroat.

I can't stand the feel of the towel on my skin.

I never felt judged here.

I just need to do it when my friend is home. I just. Can't.
 
No, you shouldn't. I'm trying to understand where you're coming from more. It sounds like you're deeply depressed but I'm not a doctor. I'm not being rude here but being dirty has nothing to do with whether or not you get attacked or not. I'm sure you know that logically. It's just hurting you physically and mentally. You really need outside help if you can get it. This is a pretty serious thing. Again, I'm not trying to be pushy or rude.
 
I know that, thank you. If I am not so clean, I won't be a target. (My thinking) You are being so helpful and kind. I appreciate it fully.
 
Hi @Zencat - great start to your diary.

You're definitely not alone in thinking "If I am only X, I won't be a target." Lots of people fill in that X with words like dirty, fat, asexual, angry ... Almost anything under the sun. And it's not because they enjoy being that way. Almost no one does. And most everyone knows that it won't really help. But their traumabrain is just trying to protect them, so they stay dirty, fat, asexual, angry, etc.

I guess you're not currently in therapy? Fixing this kind of thing is something therapy usually can help with. Are you able to go back to therapy anytime soon?
 
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