The most caring thing I can do for others is not be a bother or burden.

Self-Determined

MyPTSD Pro
This has led to complete isolation from everyone in my life except T and my kids. I am fantastic at work and meeting the needs of my students, parents, and teachers. When I am not at work I take care to make sure I do not ever bother or burden anyone. It has become a bad habit. T says it's because I judge others and myself for reaching out. I know I don't judge my students for reaching out, I praise them. I reached out in my diary by sharing my pain and two people encouraged me to call the hotline and I did and I felt better. It wasn't wrong of me to share my pain and they helped me and I took that help, which means I can be strong and brave. This cognitive distortion makes it difficult to have a friend. I want to have a friend in my own city someday. A real friend who doesn't try to prey upon me or use me. In order to have a friend I have to do things that I would judge as a bother or burden. That means talk when I feel the need for connection. I really judge myself harshly for that. I wonder if there's a way to practice?

I think I already am planning on practicing talking. I went on Tinder today and swiped right on a bunch of people. I can practice talking with them. They want to hear me. Allow myself to resist any pressure to meet up and just see if anyone feels comfortable talking. I am nervous because I am so isolated that I know some people will be able to detect my desperation or my lack of support. But that's okay. It's important for me to practice discernment of dangerous people. I know I have fallen prey to predators in the past and I am very cautious of that now. Probably that is partly why I have isolated as much as I have. But I have to break through. I just have to.
 
I went on Tinder today and swiped right on a bunch of people. I can practice talking with them.

^ I'm not on Tinder but I've heard a lot about it and pretty much it's not used to find conversation partners.

If you've fallen prey to predator type behaviour from people before this or, have a history of being victimised, I think going on that website is akin to putting your head in the lion's mouth.

And how do you 'allow yourself to resist the pressure to meet up'?? That's all Tinder is about. Pressure to meet up. Talking about the meeting up part. Why put yourself under that type of pressure knowingly? Is it some type of home-made exposure therapy experiment?
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
Since my 'don't bother people' are from slightly different corner / more action & timing & need to not delay others than core beliefs, I'll give it a go...

Maybe try to look at the other side of the coin: Everything that you think is a burden for other people is a chance to include you and have a great time meeting someone whose perspective is different.

It's another growth opportunity.

A chance to expand horizons, instead of be stuck in the same old same old, where it comes to people.

Ditto to 'bother'.
Only people who are 'bothered' by others just going on about their lives & doing nothing wrong nor boundary crossing are, I've found, either shit at time management themselves, jerks, or both.

As in their attitude & the way they choose to let you know about it is more about them and their values... not about you and lack of yours.

Ditto to what was said about Tinder.
Social media in general may not be the safest venue for sorting out trauma-related socialization issues... because to many they're just a convenient way of playing games with people & lying.

Maybe try in person meetings based on interest in legitimate, safe, and regular settings first?
 

Deanna

MyPTSD Pro
This has led to complete isolation from everyone in my life except T and my kids. I am fantastic at work and meeting the needs of my students, parents, and teachers. When I am not at work I take care to make sure I do not ever bother or burden anyone. It has become a bad habit. T says it's because I judge others and myself for reaching out. I know I don't judge my students for reaching out, I praise them. I reached out in my diary by sharing my pain and two people encouraged me to call the hotline and I did and I felt better. It wasn't wrong of me to share my pain and they helped me and I took that help, which means I can be strong and brave. This cognitive distortion makes it difficult to have a friend. I want to have a friend in my own city someday. A real friend who doesn't try to prey upon me or use me. In order to have a friend I have to do things that I would judge as a bother or burden. That means talk when I feel the need for connection. I really judge myself harshly for that. I wonder if there's a way to practice?

I think I already am planning on practicing talking. I went on Tinder today and swiped right on a bunch of people. I can practice talking with them. They want to hear me. Allow myself to resist any pressure to meet up and just see if anyone feels comfortable talking. I am nervous because I am so isolated that I know some people will be able to detect my desperation or my lack of support. But that's okay. It's important for me to practice discernment of dangerous people. I know I have fallen prey to predators in the past and I am very cautious of that now. Probably that is partly why I have isolated as much as I have. But I have to break through. I just have to.
It's okay to be wrong. Just try.. Then you'll go on to something else from there. You are a perfectionist and carry yourself that way. This ( as you say) is good for work but not in casual conversation with people. ( ditch the teacher and be casual)
Do you want to date? There's an over 50 dating site, I was going to try, but I met my boyfriend then. I have one really close friend and my kids.( also T) I have other friends as well but I like to be by myself, too!
What is your hobby? Do you like country music? Try square dancing, etc.
 

Self-Determined

MyPTSD Pro
Wow, I really am splitting. I forgot that I wrote this. I am not being irresponsible. By trying to meet a new friend on Tinder.

Ok. Is it the app? A better app than Tinder would be... Bumble?

I don’t want to bother anyone who knows me so I will meet a new person. I have let all the people who know me understand that I can take perfect care of myself. So what’s left? My need for touch?

Thank you @blackemerald1 for reminding me of how I have fallen prey before and that Tinder is filled to the gills with predators. When I talked to the hotline she said that I could start by being friends with a teacher. Someone I confided in on Friday, a former teacher who is a volunteer who cares about my situation. I could invite her to lunch.

Here’s the weird thing. Her son is a teacher at the school and he’s on Tinder and he Superliked me! Which is where you really want the person to notice you. Oy vey. Perhaps Tinder is like the dance group, not a good influence for me. Most of the people are pushing the meeting and lying about themselves, I hear you.

I did feel hopeful about a couple of people. But then now I don’t trust myself. Hmmm... Back to work tomorrow. This feeling will subside.

Thank you @Deanna for reminding me about groups. Groups! Ugh, my last groups didn’t last, but they *were* fun for the most part, while they lasted. And I can find new groups, and be cautious of predators in every group.

Thank you @mumstheword for standing with me and seeing me face to face. Witnessing helps me heal. Presence.
 
Top