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The Most Unhealthy Relationship I Have Ever Had.

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5 years ago I found out I was pregnant and so ended the most unhealthy relationship I have ever experienced.

At the time I first met him I was 18 and her was 38, he was strong and commanding and 'worldy', the first night we met he took me out to dinner and drinks, he payed making me feel special. As he was not from the area he booked himself into a hotel for the night, inviting me in for a drink I followed. He came on strong, I resisted but in the end gave in feeling like it wasn't worth the fight and nothing really bad was going to happen, it was just sex after all. He was very rough that night and I got my first insight into his true nature, choking me and leaving bruises all over my body.

After our first meeting he went back to work interstate for 2 weeks allowing the memory of that night to fade, when he came back we started up where we left off.

Over the next year things slowly got worst, he would demand sex whenever he felt the need, elevators, the kitchen, restrooms, the car and if I denied the request I could expect to be hurt until I complied, my head would be slammed into walls, my arms twisted, my body punched and kicked, and the longer I held out the rougher and more painful the eventual sex would be.

One night on the way home from a night out with his friends he pulled the car over and demanded I perform a sexual act for him, I laughed and told him to get lost and get driving; he went completely quiet, turned the ignition of and climbed out the car, he walked around to my seat opening the door, he grabbed me by the hair and forced me out the car, the he proceed to force me to comply before getting back into the car and driving off leaving me to walk the 50 kilometers home. When I arrived home he simply said "next time you won't say no, will you?"

During this time, I started to cut my arm, he once caught me and getting really angry he fetched a kitchen knife and sliced my thighs up laughing that no one would ever believe it was him as I was already a'bat shit crazy'.

The final act that has 'damaged' and stayed with me was just before I found out I was pregnant.

He sat on my forearms, pinning me, stuffed his shirt in my mouth and held my nose until I passed out while two off his friends raped me.
I have many times since that night wished I had never started breathing again.

No one in my world knows my story except my Dr who sought the diagnosis of PTSD, I haven't slept in 4 days due to the night mares, I am afraid to be alone with any man and I know I will never be able to have another relationship again. I spend all my waking hours fearful someone will find out my shameful secrets, but those very same secrets are eating away at me slowly but surly and I am afraid of what is at the end of my story.
It is not your fault. He is a monster that took advantage of you're youth and inexperience. Not every man.is like that you unfortunately got unlucky. You are safe now and keep.telling yourself that. You should not be ashamed of what someone else did to you and be proud you got away from.him. as much evil.as there is in the world there is also good. Look for the good. You are not bad you are not anything bad. You are strong. You got away from.that be proud of yourself.

Things get better if you take care of yourself so dobthat. Find things that make you feel at peace, most of those things are the little things in life. Hang on to those.
Although it doesn't feel like it and it's hard to remember, especially when times are dark and difficult, you get to decide the next part of your story and how it ends. I admire your courage and ability to tell your story. The shame isn't yours, but his. I hope you can sleep soon.
Once I went eight days without sleeping. By the end I was completely hysterical and banging my head on the floor for hours. I hope you sleep soon.

I'm glad you are able to write about these things. I feel like seeing them written down allows me to understand them in the scope of all of life. The evil people really are evil. It is not that I am a whiner or oversensitive or wussy or any of those things. What they did to me qualifies as torture. It is *illegal*.

There are good men in the world. I married someone who will respect my boundaries. He isn't a white knight or anything but he doesn't hurt me. He very consciously tries to learn how to be nice to me. He reacts to me about how someone does a rescue pit bull. Potentially very dangerous but loving and deserving of love all the same.

I hope you find someone to be nice to you. It doesn't make all the bad in your head go away but it makes living hurt a lot less.
Rennie, I'm sorry you had to endure any of that, and the guy deserves to have his testicles cut off. No doubt about it. What you may feel now, is not necessarily what you may feel later. There are bad people in this world, no doubt about it, but the majority are good people. You can continue with life, you may endure further trauma, as life is certainly a mixed bag of tricks... yet you may also love again and be loved, by someone who doesn't fall into the above and respects you for being a human being. Male or female, the above person has no respect for human beings.
Thank you all for your kind words. I suppose I feel responsible for all but the first incident as I CHOSE to no tell anyone and thus pretty well gave him the green light.

Don't get me wrong I have no issue with never having another relationship, I am barely able to be touched by anyone other than my own child and even then when I am having a bad time that can become a struggle.
Owning choosing to tell or not Rennie is your choice, yes... though that does not roll into what the other person did to you. That was their choice, not yours. Did you tell them to beat you, get rough with you, to force you to have sex? If so... sure, you have some fault and that is considered consensual, though based on your above, that is not what happened, and you weren't given a choice.

How you tell things to yourself is up to you; me personally, I like to try and tell myself the truth, because that I can use to then find something that helps soothe my mind.
The rational, analytically reasonable part of brain seems to know this but at the moment it has very little chance of winning over the irrational part :) I know bad times pass, they have in the past. I know it sounds stupid but it's nice to be believed, deep down that is my greatest fear, not being believed - having no proof.
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