blackpearl
Silver Member
I came to think about the progress I have made. Some of you may have read my thread about the bad treatment in therapy. That was half way from when I lost my self in "this something" (PTSD debut). It was about three years after I got "mad" and had all the symptoms that includes this and it's now two years since that. Yeah, I'm talking about the violence that is not OK, never ever. ;-)
I have to tell you that I feel bad about some things I've done to them who's close to me. It was a horrible time before I even start to understand what was going on. It was like walking in dark, naked and not knowing what's attacking my mind. Paralyze dreams, hallucinations, horrible anger and temper...
Up on that friends and family leaving, no listening or understanding, lies, ignorance and disciplinary. I was unable to even know what was the trauma even if I was middle of it then. I couldn't speak about it because I had no logical images or sounds in my head in the beginning. This made me scared to death and my heart was heavily beating 24/7 month after month. Even that I was scared to tell about during ongoing pressure around, things that yet have not come to it's end. I was not able to leave or get what I desperately needed to calm down. I was forced to handle this insane stress. It felt like my body and head was burning...
I could no longer stand the "whining" around me, like somebody was crying for boyfriend leaving, headache and so on. I just laughed in the face of my mother when she told she has to take some pills to not have anxiety. This because she has no idea of that she definitely could be worse. All this this made me more and more angry.
After two or three months I just couldn't take the pressure anymore if she questioned me for something or didn't leave me alone when I said that over and over again. She has no sense for limits and it made it hard for me. So sadly I happen to put my hand on her throat and push her against the wall and I think I gave her all my hatred throe my eyes. (She's scared of violence from her past) and she got of course paralyzed just as those times my father was drinking and yelling before (but not ever touching or beating her).
I didn't drink or take drugs. I had no time to escape the pain. So I was stuck with it. I had no mention to harm or scare, I'm a very nice girl/woman if I just haven't got this shit or all shit thrown on me. My mother lacks responsibility and empathy, it's a mystery to me how I managed too keep my self alive while I was dying within. She didn't stop pushing me and she newer helped me to get help. There was just something wrong with me as usual.
But in time I found some odd tricks to avoid touching her, no matter what. I had a fruit basket on my kitchen table and one time I put all my mental strength to take an apple (NOW!) and throw it in the wall instead of get loose on her. Oh man, that was close !!! But I did not hit her, I didn't touch her ! That was an beginning to me to stop that behavior. I felt silly while cleaning after my self and crying for the other times I've scared (hurt) her. I just wanted her to understand in my desperation an total fear. No one was hearing my voice, I was like invincible. A vegetable, a ghost.
And today, years later I'm able to tell this. Years later I'm telling about something that's over. I didn't get help, but I did get rid of all anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares of that proportion and all the other horrible experiences in about three years of horror and pain. But today I also know what my trauma really was about. I pushed my mother to tell the truth and it made sense to me in that hell - that was my only way out of it. She had to tell me some things she was hiding.
I sometimes wonder if it was worth to save my own life in this way, because today I have to deal with the guilt hurting my own mother, my own blood. I hope she can forgive me as I forgave her. I doubt, she has always been scared of me, always. The rest of it is her own problems, in this story.
It's hard to believe I'm still here. I should have been dead by now. Feels like I live overtime and that I am 200 years old. So now what ?
I have to tell you that I feel bad about some things I've done to them who's close to me. It was a horrible time before I even start to understand what was going on. It was like walking in dark, naked and not knowing what's attacking my mind. Paralyze dreams, hallucinations, horrible anger and temper...
Up on that friends and family leaving, no listening or understanding, lies, ignorance and disciplinary. I was unable to even know what was the trauma even if I was middle of it then. I couldn't speak about it because I had no logical images or sounds in my head in the beginning. This made me scared to death and my heart was heavily beating 24/7 month after month. Even that I was scared to tell about during ongoing pressure around, things that yet have not come to it's end. I was not able to leave or get what I desperately needed to calm down. I was forced to handle this insane stress. It felt like my body and head was burning...
I could no longer stand the "whining" around me, like somebody was crying for boyfriend leaving, headache and so on. I just laughed in the face of my mother when she told she has to take some pills to not have anxiety. This because she has no idea of that she definitely could be worse. All this this made me more and more angry.
After two or three months I just couldn't take the pressure anymore if she questioned me for something or didn't leave me alone when I said that over and over again. She has no sense for limits and it made it hard for me. So sadly I happen to put my hand on her throat and push her against the wall and I think I gave her all my hatred throe my eyes. (She's scared of violence from her past) and she got of course paralyzed just as those times my father was drinking and yelling before (but not ever touching or beating her).
I didn't drink or take drugs. I had no time to escape the pain. So I was stuck with it. I had no mention to harm or scare, I'm a very nice girl/woman if I just haven't got this shit or all shit thrown on me. My mother lacks responsibility and empathy, it's a mystery to me how I managed too keep my self alive while I was dying within. She didn't stop pushing me and she newer helped me to get help. There was just something wrong with me as usual.
But in time I found some odd tricks to avoid touching her, no matter what. I had a fruit basket on my kitchen table and one time I put all my mental strength to take an apple (NOW!) and throw it in the wall instead of get loose on her. Oh man, that was close !!! But I did not hit her, I didn't touch her ! That was an beginning to me to stop that behavior. I felt silly while cleaning after my self and crying for the other times I've scared (hurt) her. I just wanted her to understand in my desperation an total fear. No one was hearing my voice, I was like invincible. A vegetable, a ghost.
And today, years later I'm able to tell this. Years later I'm telling about something that's over. I didn't get help, but I did get rid of all anxiety, panic attacks, nightmares of that proportion and all the other horrible experiences in about three years of horror and pain. But today I also know what my trauma really was about. I pushed my mother to tell the truth and it made sense to me in that hell - that was my only way out of it. She had to tell me some things she was hiding.
I sometimes wonder if it was worth to save my own life in this way, because today I have to deal with the guilt hurting my own mother, my own blood. I hope she can forgive me as I forgave her. I doubt, she has always been scared of me, always. The rest of it is her own problems, in this story.
It's hard to believe I'm still here. I should have been dead by now. Feels like I live overtime and that I am 200 years old. So now what ?
