The "pat My Head" Syndrome

[Gwaihir]

I have noticed a trend in my life. Especially now that I´m trying to stick to my own identity instead of constantly focusing on how great others might be and constantly obsessing about them.

It´s this need to be patted on the head and told "atta boy". It seems I´m somewhat unable to really be proud of any victory or small step that I take, unless someone is telling me to be proud of it.

In a way this is comparable to Facebook, where in a way, every "like" is a confirmation that you did something well. This is exactly why Facebook began depressing me to no end and I quit.

But. In the end it´s not going to help me to just get away from all those things, if my desire to be patted on the head remains. Can you guys relate to it? Do you think it´s normal?

Or do you think we can learn to somehow celebrate our own victories without needing everyone to tell us how great we did?

 

[Sideways]

Sounds very normal (not to be confused with healthy!!) to me, and it could be anything from poor self-esteem (tick - I've got that), to personality issues (tick), congitive disortions (tick - I do that) to a personality disorder (got traits of BPD, so yup, tick!!)...oh, and the warped self schema (tick tick!)

To get past thoughts/beliefs like that, it helps to understand what the beliefs are that are fuelling it. Like, is it because you don't be you deserve achievements, or you need validation from others to function, or because it doesn't occur to you/can't recognise it's an achievement at all by yourself, etc. egc.

Do you know what thoughts are going on in your head when you refuse to acknowledge achievements, or when you get acknowledgement from someone else? (and when I say "achievements", that can be as simple as "I survived today intact")

 

[Wizmedic11]

I have noticed a trend in my life. Especially now that I´m trying to stick to my own identity instead of...

I know exactly how you feel. I have been experiencing that a lot lately! I have asked myself why it is occurring now. Even experienced the same feeling in regards to FB. I'm disappointed if I don't get a big enough reaction for me completing or doing she simplest of things. To me it is a huge achievement to have completed something, I suppose I expect or would want another's reaction to be the same.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that needing validation is normal for any human being to be happy and healthy.

 

[Gwaihir]

To get past thoughts/beliefs like that, it helps to understand what the beliefs are that are fuelling it. Like, is it because you don't be you deserve achievements, or you need validation from others to function, or because it doesn't occur to you/can't recognise it's an achievement at all by yourself, etc. egc.

Yeah I can tick all of those, as well. I´m not sure what beliefs are fueling it but I am sure that this is the same thing that makes me look for validation with imaginary projections of people. I am aware of it when I achieve something, but most often then I want to flaunt it around and make others see how well I did, and if they don´t, that takes away from my sense of having achieved something.

Which I believe is strange. I agree @gizmo that humans need a certain degree of validation to be happy; but I feel I´m probably compensating for the fact that I never got validated when I was a kid, so now I´m locked in this perpetual need of being validated by other people in order to acknowledge my own accomplishment. And I don´t want that. I want to own my achievements, I want to give myself some credibility.

It´s not just that though. I feel like a six year old very often. When I speak my mind, I´m afraid that people will reprimand me, even though I´m nearly thirty and if I get any commentary at all, it would be in the way of adult feedback (rather than getting reprimanded). I would like to grow out of the child mode I´m in, but I guess my child self needs healing before it can move on.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

ok, gotcha

 

[Sideways]

I'm worried about suggesting this, because it's such a misunderstood condition, but have you explored Borderline Personality at all?

The reason I ask is that I have Borderline traits (among other things - so the issue is always more complex than just "that's Borderline"). One of the things it does (to explain it very poorly, because it's complicated), is make me continually seek out recognition from others in order to feel that life is stable and safe. When I don't get that validation, there is an underlying (almost subconscious) fear of abandonment. I take it really personally, the world becomes unstable/unsafe, and I frantically start seeking ways to reassure myself that I'm not alone - that people still care and are still on my side.

There are a lot of different ways this fear can be expressed, but the big one is the difficulty having healthy relationships where there isn't any need for that constant validation and reassurance.

Borderline elements are really common among people with compex ptsd from childhood trauma in particular, because (it's theorised) that it can stem from unhealthy or unstable relationships when you're a child.

It may not be part of the explanation for you at all. But it sounds a bit familiar, and if it offers a bit of an explanation for you as to why you might be struggling with this stuff, then it may be worth looking into.

Either way, it's not going to be the only driving force behind what's happening, and working on the core beliefs that are underlying this stuff would probably be helpful IMHO.

 

[Gwaihir]

@Ragdoll Circus I was actually diagonosed with BPD before I was diagnosed with PTSD. Not to worry :p

I´m not convinced that I actually have BPD because there are a lot of traits of it that I don´t have, but there are also a lot of traits of it that I do have. Like these very intense emotions, fear of abandonment etc. I also often veel that the world is very unsafe but thinking in this way makes me feel like an infant, then feeling like an infant makes me clingy, then feeling clingy makes me feel depressed.

I don´t want this anymore. But I have no idea how to go about changing it.
Right now everytime I feel this way I just try to tell myself the opposite. But it´s hard especially since I´ve decided to deprive myself of imaginary company.

 

[Pakadlangitok]

I guess I have this but i feel so bad about myself that when someone says something nice to me, it is like a tidal wave. Huge emotions and tears , etc which makes them less likely to ever want to be near me at all.
On the OTHER side of that , I get patted on the head in the, "Hey Buck up! You'll be OK!" bs kind of way. Pisses me off.
But sometimes someone really cares and then I fall apart in tears.

 

[Just Sayin']

Especially now that I´m trying to stick to my own identity instead of constantly focusing on how great others might be and constantly obsessing about them.

Ugh. Me too. I have this thing where I assume that I'm the baseline. Anything I can do is what anyone can do. Everything I can't do are the things that have value. It's a subtle form of self-reinforcing self loathing. And to @Ragdoll Circus's point, it's cognitive distortion.

I'm disappointed if I don't get a big enough reaction for me completing or doing she simplest of things.

Who says they're simple? I swear some of us deserve a trophy for just getting out of bed some days. If something's difficult and you do it anyway, it's a good thing and it's natural to want validation. When you feel like whatever it was is "simple" and it's just a sign of how screwed up you are that it's difficult for you, you actually end up turning your victory into a weapon to beat yourself with.

I agree @gizmo that humans need a certain degree of validation to be happy; but I feel I´m probably compensating for the fact that I never got validated when I was a kid, so now I´m locked in this perpetual need of being validated by other people in order to acknowledge my own accomplishment.

My T once said: It's unfortunate you didn't get validated as a child. That's when you needed it. And the adults in your life were whom you needed it from. You can't get that back. No amount of validation from others will make up for that. Keep trying if you want, but that's why it never seems like enough.

Tough love, but true (for me, at least). And it helped me stop looking at anyone and everyone as surrogates, which meant I stopped (at least most of the time) being a people-pleasing, validation mongering bottomless pit and/or an easy mark for people who would manipulate that.

I would like to grow out of the child mode I´m in, but I guess my child self needs healing before it can move on.

And that was it for me. When I took what my therapist said and realized that I did feel like a child and that I was recreating the opportunities to get now the validation that I didn't as a kid but that that even if I did get it now, it wouldn't be enough because I didn't get it when I needed it and from whomI needed it.

That p*ssed me off a bit. For a good long while.

Then I did something weird (even for me). I started writing. I used the "we" to show solidarity with my inner child ... until my inner child started yelling at me (seriously) through my writing.

I went back to the journal after reading this post. One line said: "We? F*ck you. I've been here the whole time. You weren't there yet when I was there, and now that you are here, you're not helping me either."

For me at least, there really was a disconnect ... as though my inner child was different from me. I separate off some of what happened, but it did happen to me. The part of me I separated off along with it wasn't super happy about it.

Anyway, it was a good talk. I told my inner child she has a potty mouth, but I like her spunk. She's scrappy. And a survivor. And she did the best she could, and she never should've had to. I'm proud of that little brat, and THAT is apparently what she needed to hear.

It's gotten easier since then. I at least feel like we're on the same side. And sometimes when someone says something rude, I imagine her sticking her toungue out at them. I really do love that kid...

"Now that you are here, you're not helping me either" might be the single most powerful sentence I've ever written. It gave me enough distance to stop being a victim and start being a protector of ... and start validating ... the most vulnerable parts of me.

Make friends with your inner child, and give your inner child what your inner child needs. Your inner child's been waiting a long time for you...

(YMMV. Take it with a grain of salt. I'm not suggesting that's the one, true and only way and I know everything there is to know. It's just how I've tried to pick my way through this...)

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't get the inner child stuff but vulnerability & childlikeness seem to go together for me, whether I want it or not. A curse, but not my choice. At least it's honest. But frightening. The vulnerability, I mean, so now I cannot not-be vulnerable, my vulnerabilty shield shattered with pain, loss, & lack of ability or strength. :( Ugh, hope that mkes sense.

I was a pretty (well very) independent child.

 

[Just Sayin']

I don't get the inner child stuff but vulnerability & childlikeness seem to go together for me, whether...

I do think it makes sense, but I don't want to assume too much. The childlike feeling for me is essentially feeling powerless, stuck and completely at the mercy of other people.

In my case, I was a child at the time of trauma and completely vulnerable to the bigger, stronger "grown ups" on whom I was dependent -- like you said, not by choice. That's certainly not the case for everyone, but the helplessness, powerlessness and fear of other people does sound familiar, and it makes sense that one would feel "child-like" when one feels like they have no personal power ... no matter how old one is at the time of trauma or when in any situation in which they feel powerless and defenseless.

I don't think you're alone @Junebug. I'm sorry your shields were shattered. I know how scary and isolating that can feel. I hope you're taking good care of you.