The Shunning/ I have to be on high alert

Dolce

Learning
If this gets moved to "trauma diaries" Ill try not to take it personally. My writing style I guess goes that way so I am not sure where to post but this does relate to hypervigilance. It's something that's HAD to become a part of my life so yeah I had PTSD before from abuse but now I have to be hypevigilant thanks to my Mother. I have said it before. She put a PFA on me ( the abused)...and some ppl wonder how that can happen but it can. Some abusive ppl can even abuse ppl through the courts. She did this after physical and pscyh assault on me a few years ago. I saw my sister yesterday with her nephew. My Mom actually covered her in the thing....didn't have to give reason or maybe the judge didn't even look at that. I am thinking he didn't. She's covered and the whole thing is very unfair b/c I was abused and even stalked by my Mother 3 1/2 months ago on all days Valentines Day in a parking lot. Also my near run in with my 1/2 sister was in a Panera parking lot. My Mom covered her to cut off contact to silence me that's it...but what if I had run into my Sister?

It was very close and my instinct b/c I don't harbor terrible ill will to her or I would say even ill will would be to say hi. Thing is simply saying hi right now...could land me in Jail. I didn't deserve this. PFAs have little due process and I could say more they can be used for good and I had a temp PFA on her stepdad. I had the might of my Mom and her throwing the kitchen sink and my childhood at me at the second date of my hearing. The effects of this are still lasting in that I a good person, a law abiding person and the actual serious victim of many forms of DV, all of them has to be hypervigilant....always on the lookout for my Moms car so I don't run into her and or SHE doesn't follow me or park right behind me as she did. She feels emboldened over recent years to do things way over the line including file the thing she did w/o good cause. She did it in response to watching her husband put me into a wall.

She did it two days after I was in the ER for this. I saw my Sister and I don't think she saw me and this is sad and a shameful position I am in, one I didn't earn...with life altering consequences. She looked happy carefree...pretty younger than me. Ppl have wondered if I was in my 60s recently I think rather than my albeit ripe age of 48 almost 49. Ppl say make it on your own put this behind you..and easy for them to say when they don't have life altering labels put on them when they were not the abuser quite the opposite. It hurts to the core. If I had seen my Sister I would have wanted to say hi and I should be able to but I can't. My Mother took that and many things incl alot of dignity away from me. I have to be on lookout all the time. I have no crim record my Mom said I never threatened her but she worried what could maybe happen....this coming from a woman who defended an abuser to me and in open court and threatened to put a raw turkey on my stoop and pretends to be the victim and a nice person in her community. She says she gets along w other fam members. Yeah my Sis was my abusers child and the "golden child"...not that i was a bad one but I was called this my whole life and also in court at the age of 46. Advice? I am a little more than 1/2 way through this my psycho biology as one person had called it has changed now forever from the repeated trauma and blame for what happened to me even officially and having to look over my shoulder like a well like a fugitive. I am not that I never was that. My Mothers husband was a 50 year old drinking while driving physically abusive and worse teacher. No one helped me. I guess I have to cont to try and live my life it really gets me down and I have to unfortunately and undeservedly stay hypervigilant as the abused who is labeled as other as sometimes or maybe often happens b/c it's easier...it's the cowards way. I have to look over my shoulder so as to not get myself in trouble for saying hi or being in same places...my civil rights impinged...for a pedeophile....

one who is dead but his wake of destruction alive and well. How a Mother does this and feels good is beyond me but I do suppose it's easier than looking in at the ugly truth....one that I mentioned...and that in her eyes was a crime. One I have paid dearly for and shouldn't have like this....as the only DV victim who tried to make sense in that family. This may get moved and that's ok. I have a run on sentence style of writing...and the pain is palpable today. The last time I saw my Sister was at the first hearing which go a continuance thanks to me. I get not any credit for my smarts from family lawyers alot of ppl. I don't fit traditional molds in a very small and small minded town where folks are supposed to be part of families or have them at my age. I am completely alone and vulnerable. My family knew this and it made it easy for them to abuse me.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
should i share my view as an "abusive mother" whose victim has been bigger and stronger than i for more than half of his life? however the judge swings the gavel on the mistakes i made as a mother, all are agreed that i have very little personal defense from the ongoing retributions of this bigger-than-me victim.
 

Friday

Moderator
Putting on my StaffHat 🧢 for a moment


If this gets moved to "trauma diaries" Ill try not to take it personally. My writing style I guess goes that way so I am not sure where to post but this does relate to hypervigilance

Do you have a question about hypervigilance that you’d like member input on?

Maximizing Responses​

There are vast differences in how you structure your content between wanting responses vs. just airing stuff in your head without care of response. New Member Information


- If you have a Q we can leave it here.

- Or we can merge it with your existing thread about your protection order & how it’s effecting you & your relationships.

- Or we can add it to your diary

Simply let us know via Contact Us


This may get moved and that's ok. I have a run on sentence style of writing...
It’s less about the writing style & more about

1.
- Forums : Do you have a question you’d like answered by members?
- Diary : Or are you working things out for your own self, but comment is either desired or not unwelcome

2.
- Forums : Are you looking for a wide range of support & perspective; including being challenged, questioned, or disagreed with?
- Diary : Are you looking to have more control over who/what/how things are posted in response to what writing?

3.
- Forums : (Reply to existing thread) : Is this a continuation of a previous thread that you’re adding new information to, or looking to understand better? For example, looking at how complicated the protection order has made many of your relationships, including the anxiety & hypervigilance?

- Forums : (Start new thread) : Is this a new topic, or different aspect of a topic, that you’d like explore? For example wanting to discuss how to manage the hypervigilance associated with having a restraining order placed on you, rather than the relationship with your mother &/or your distress at how unfair it seems?

- Diary : Do you wish to continue discussing / working out something that was brought up in forum threads?

 

Dolce

Learning
I guess how to deal with it in my unique situation. It is a symptom of PTSD and CPTSD and I suffer from it....but also I have to I am FORCED into it by circumstances thrust on me by virtue of my circs and speaking the truth about them. Today I went to look at a home for sale. I saw blue cars looking like my Mom and was afraid to look over to see it was her. It's a terrible way to live but it's how I am forced to live. It's a symptom but also a survival strategy and...this is how combat veterans maybe get PTSD or part of it or all of us fighting to live through hard to survive terrible traumatic violent circumstances or environments. Yeah I was seeking advice how to deal with it and the physical manifestations as a result of having to be on high alert....upn what should be normal things...seeing a sister....but made into something else by my Mother. It's crazy it's unbelievable but it's not totally unheard of. I guess I would have to be a robot for it not to affect me. It does. I don't react and haven't in the moment. Others did. I know it was and now really is dangerous to. Merely me looking at someone in my family being in their vicininty can cause me issues. Yes I am looking for advice. I am trying hard to deal with all of this.
 

Dolce

Learning
Please don't merge it...
I have continuing issues that come up and will with this order. It causes me hosts of issues from trauma housing motivation self esteem ideations trying to survive on my own. It's not one issue. It's been a lifetime of abuse. New issues come up with it though in my journey such as seeing my sister yest and having to deal with that trying to take care of my Nana and not have that interfered with trying to do that while sick and maybe it is from stress and isolation. My issues are not singular. They don't fit in one box. Thank you.

I am trying to interact with ppl and I am. I am offering encouragements and advices and I am seeking it. Just diaries is well some days it can help to just vent.

I was seeking how to deal with the hypervigilance and trauma thrust upon me which is and isnt a symptom. I mean of course it worsens my PTSD symptoms. I am seeking advice on how to deal with my unique and everyone has unique circumstances. Mine have been connected to the source of my PTSD for 40 some years...

my abuse...not any abuse I did....but abuse done to me then blame then forced into hypervigilance prob before the PFA and def after it. I am also wondering if I should ever talk to my Mother again given her slander and betrayals of me all to protect her husband and her pride. Idk.

So that's alot but my ?s today also I am just trying to survive on my own on a literal cracked foundation that causes hypervigilance in my apt which is a metaphor for my life and my family. It's supposed to be a firm foundation for life. Mine was the opposite. They would say different and label me a bunch of outdated stigmatizing untrue from the 50s things and they are self proposed ppl whom care about the rights of others. Not for me mine never existed. Alot to be hypervigilant about. It is a running theme as it is I think for many victims of repeated physical and other abuses. Its not so simple as my Mom did this or that to me in court at all....at all and it's an ironic thing she did.

should i share my view as an "abusive mother" whose victim has been bigger and stronger than i for more than half of his life? however the judge swings the gavel on the mistakes i made as a mother, all are agreed that i have very little personal defense from the ongoing retributions of this bigger-than-me victim.
Wrong biased decisions happen either way. Labels suck. I was labeled the same as your son. B/c I am chubby not even fat therefore I must be an abuser. That's it. I don't know your son only being big proves he was an abuser. Actual abuse does. Judges do make mistakes though and these things often are unfair. I was punished as a "bad child" at the age of 46 after putting myself through school and caring for my Moms Mom with Alzhiemers alone. Also if I was nuts like my Mom said why was I tasked with that for years...b/c my Mom and Uncle didn't like what was unconvenient for them and when she was put in a home i was given no notice and thrown out like trash and treated shoddily years before my Mom did the PFA also Drs wanted to call the police on her. She in fact is an abusive mother. I had proof but crappy lawyers and not a great judge. I am sorry if things went the wrong way for you and or if your son assaulted you. Violence is never ok...it's why I never was. Also my Mom said I nver was. Didn't matter. Very unfair.

If someone has something kind to say that would be nice. Or advice on how to handle my trauma/forced hypervigilance I did in no way shape or form ask for.

Btw my Mom in open court basically said I asked for assault and it flew in Podunkville USA. So much for the "ME too" or the 21st century. I deserved it b/c ppl lose "patience" I won't get into the graphic ness of what happened to me what I relived on the stand what makes me also think I still see my Stepdad who is now dead. I had to worry about seeing him b/c of the PFA but also b/c he constantly threatened me and that was A ok with my Mom. The last time I saw him he assaulted me terribly then my Mom put the PFA on me. I did nothing but ask for a ride to a Dr. That was enough. Shoving in front of neigbbors but all ok b/c he's old he's skinnier. I can't get into the bigger smaller thing b/c it makes no difference sometime it matters if someone is violent and hateful. Ok I am open to advice.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
i very much want to include kindness in this equation, dolce. amends, too, if possible. despite our current estrangement, i still love and miss my middle-aged son greatly. he will attack me for saying so, but i believe i feel his pain acutely across the miles and years. may i give you the encouragement and healing hopes he will not accept from me? just hoping. . .

for what it's worth
my son is not a big man but i am a small person of advanced years on a fixed retirement income. facts, not labels.
 

Dolce

Learning
I am sorry and thanks for any kindness.....
My Mom also used this against me I think....it's a bias it's a label it doesn't define your son as an abuser or you as an abuser.
I am sorry you are estranged and or went through the courts. When that happens well it should not happen unless things are out of control.
They were towards me but I had it flipped on me but it was always that way....that way when I was a skinny beautiful 11-18 year old....that way as a pretty chunky 46 year old with health probs in middle age...the age diff was mentioned too in my thingamadoo.
This is triggering for me. Sorry you guys are estranged. Maybe you should try both of you try to understand and respect one another not label one another. I hear labels all around....older fixed income small (you)....son....Middle aged and big....you also didn't say what he did but that's ok I prefer not to engage in this...it's unproductive. I hear tropes in this response and I am sorry. Sorry about mine and your situation.
I don't know if he was asking you for money or what but this is not helpful to me so good luck and thanks for any empathy....and it's sad and heartbreaking when
things reach the fam courts and when ppl get labels that they sometimes don't deserve....and sometimes the guilty parties are not punished. Good luck.. Aloha.
 

Dolce

Learning
Life is short. Perhaps you should tell him you love him and leave out labels and age and weight differences. I am open to others advice ab my situation and hypervigilance and anxiety etc.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
afraid to look over to see it was her. It's a terrible way
I live like this. I am no contact with my father, who was my primary abuser. He lives a little over a city block away from me. I have seen him walking by my house, at the store, riding his bike. Every time I’ve seen him it’s jarring and triggering and takes me a while to process and recover. I lived with him for 39 years and I’m in my mid-40’s. My brain is hyper vigilant about seeing him. I hate it, but the way I’ve dealt with it is tiny tiny baby steps. Actually every time I’ve seen him has been helpful for my own integration—as in, “It happened. I’m still here. I can still smile and go on walks. My T is there for me.”
Yes I am looking for advice.
My advice is no contact. If you feel you can’t then if it were me I would dismantle every reason into its components and get rid of as many as I could. I thought I was going to live with my dad for my whole life, take care of him as he was dying, and then I would be free. But that was a fantasy, generated from our toxic relationship which benefited him and made me the sucker. It’s not an easy decision and you would need a support system in place, but you seem like a determined person.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
thank you, dolce. your empathy means more than i can say. my prayer is that if compassion shared by folks in similar circumstances will prove contagious. perhaps one day that contagion will reach pandemic levels. healing hopes for all. no exceptions. just praying. . .

we see what the future may hold. at present, i do not even know where or how he lives. it feels safer to keep it that way.

be still, my mother's heart.
 

Dolce

Learning
Do I? Thank you. I am not when it comes to my dysf family I think. I am forced into no contact. I did remind myself I am safe...after seeing my 1/2 sister but it's a horrific dynamic that I and even she though I know it doesn't bother her as much were thrust into. It's easier to believe that I am bad or I am crazy than the truth that my Stepfather even would have admitted to on my honest damning affadavit. Can my Mom ever get over that? Maybe not maybe she'll carry rage about that forever. I am proud that I had even a temp PFA one that was brutally dismissed after unflinching testimony by me but still I am glad I had the temp PFA. I guess I still have fantasies. Also my Mom still has alot of my property. I had to go through lawyer to get some of mine back....so....unbelieveable. Nothing I wanted....not normal. I was asking for a division of prop for 9 months before she did the PFA made no sense. She was mad I went to police and mentioned there was a div of prop issue and that she threatened to put a raw turkey on my stoop then she berated me on speaker phone at the Abused Ppl Center in my area. I do wish they had done more for me at the time my Mom did this to me but they dropped the ball. I would have liked to have closure and my property and some pics before my Mom dies. At least the property....closure???? Idk. She might say I am the toxic one forever. After all she had her "victory" over me. She gave me what prop I did get in heaps. I do have to be on high alert ab seeing her especially.....she is very unpredictable around me....and acted unhinged in recent years....also acts emboldened. My sister....I would hope she wouldn't go cuckoo upon seeing me....and would remain calm. She would maybe act as if she didn't know me which would be sad but the PFA requires this....and I think the judge didn't even look at what he granted. I had a prop suit that day I attatched that he tossed. My Mom said I could come to the house w no police present and she would put my things on her lawn for me to come in and out and pick up w my SUV all day. Yeah that's not a tense situation. This was done to punish me and silence me not b/c I was a threat b/c if i was you wouldn't want to do my property that way. It was to humiliate me as less than human. I guess that's reason not to want to be close to my Mom. She also said when I was beautiful and 16 to my Stepdad and I was a "good kid" despite her labels....she said that she wished I had never been born. She said why can't I be like my Sister. I was always devalued to nothing to a well an object to abuse....and then punished for saying the truth about that. I was generous to my Mom with presents and things. I would not take care of her while dying. I think she depends on my sister or her family for that I am sure they are her POA and I am also pretty sure despite what she said right before the PFA that I am disinherited. I would like to get some of my property and family history I have barely any of that and she did that to punish me too....to deny me any humanity. She gave me deathbed pics of my Dad scattered taken out of a box in a shoecrate and no other pics of him. She's depraved actually. She became a primary abuser. She is sweet to other ppl and narcissists can do this. She can and she brags about this sort of ability. Well I am genuine.
Prob too honest and genuine for my family and the area I live in....Thanks for sharing....and encouraging me to remain no contact. I don't intend to go right back.
I do wish I had some circle of safety with friends or a bf. I don't....and that's very scary....b/c abuse thrives in silence and in isolation. Her victory was hollow. Aloha.
 

Dolce

Learning
thank you, dolce. your empathy means more than i can say. my prayer is that if compassion shared by folks in similar circumstances will prove contagious. perhaps one day that contagion will reach pandemic levels. healing hopes for all. no exceptions. just praying. . .

we see what the future may hold. at present, i do not even know where or how he lives. it feels safer to keep it that way.

be still, my mother's heart.
Im sorry that's the way it is. I feel the same about my Mom too while at the same time wanting peace with her. someday. I don't know if it's possible. I am told no contact is the way. It sounds as if you want it that way. I don't know but I pray for peace...inner and outer for all people really. Fam estrangement is painful. This is all I have energy for on this almost Memorial day. This theme is hard. I have empathy for anyone in pain. Good luck. Aloha.
 
Top