I will try to stay no contact for as long as I can if not forever. I don't know. It would be very stupid of me to go right back when this thing expires. I believe she would expect that and I think there would be some longing for this but I am trying to plan for this. I do really wish I had a stronger posse. I am scared...scared of her but also strangely dependent on her. It's not cool to admit. She could topple me. She could make me feel like my narcissist ex bf. I told her she had me under her thumb and I think she thrived off that and her husband did too. I guess I have to remember that....terrible quotes things like I must respect her b/c she is my elder....I don't subscribe to that. I think respect is a two way street. Yeah it's not good to live in the past but I should not romantaaize this woman who well she did some awful things to me. I once thought all she did was stick by her husband and was weak but she did alot more to me on purpose and it was frankly sadistic. Ok I will have to remember that. I want to also think maybe something could be redeemed but my therapist said I would be in a dangerous spot with her and I would. Some things to consider. I appreciate the support. I will try to stay strong. Holidays are hard on me too. Thanks and take care everyone.I live like this. I am no contact with my father, who was my primary abuser. He lives a little over a city block away from me. I have seen him walking by my house, at the store, riding his bike. Every time I’ve seen him it’s jarring and triggering and takes me a while to process and recover. I lived with him for 39 years and I’m in my mid-40’s. My brain is hyper vigilant about seeing him. I hate it, but the way I’ve dealt with it is tiny tiny baby steps. Actually every time I’ve seen him has been helpful for my own integration—as in, “It happened. I’m still here. I can still smile and go on walks. My T is there for me.”
My advice is no contact. If you feel you can’t then if it were me I would dismantle every reason into its components and get rid of as many as I could. I thought I was going to live with my dad for my whole life, take care of him as he was dying, and then I would be free. But that was a fantasy, generated from our toxic relationship which benefited him and made me the sucker. It’s not an easy decision and you would need a support system in place, but you seem like a determined person.