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The stigma of mental illness

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Scarlet13

MyPTSD Pro
I am so tired of mental health stigma.
A couple months ago, I was dropping my daughter off in preschool.
I had made a comment about how there are no instructions on how to parent. I had just gotten through a 4 year old temper tantrum over wearing a coat.
The teacher (someone I really respect) then said, "Yes, there is no pamphlet on parenting which is hard for when you are a good mother and you had a good mother to emulate, but what about the people who did not have good parents, growing up in terrible homes, I guess they just make bad moms. But those people are not you and me as we grew up in good homes."
I had just had a conference with this teacher a week ago where she gave me a compliment on mothering because my daughter had such a sense of happiness about her (which is honestly just how my daughter is on her own.)
So, because I am seen as a good mother than I can't possibly be from one of "those homes."
I said to her. "I grew up in a broken home. I had abusive parents. But I learned how to be a good mother and yes I am in a ton of therapy to do it."
But it was her tone. This almost disgusted tone for "those people" and "those homes."

Then, last night, I was at a diversity group discussion. We were talking about the "sympathy" complex. Where there is the "give to the poor because think how horrible it is for them complex."

We see that at my school, where well off families give to charities, but there is a patronizing aspect to it. So the women in my group were talking about this and they were talking about how they were not rich growing up, but life was not horrible because they had good families.
They then said, "I know that even some of the rich families are abusive. So, that's great to have all of that wealth, but I would not wish in a million years to be abused. You grow up with all these mental issues. Thank God I grew up in a normal, happy family."

It was frustrating because again there was that tone. That slight disgust over the "unfortunate abused people" tone.
What they were saying was true. Abuse is horrible to endure and you do get mental issues.
But I was sitting right there. A survivor of abuse. A leader and change agent with a family. A human being. Don't pity me. Don't pity me especially in the context of a diversity discussion on pity!
They do not know about my history, but still.
People with mental health issues are not some how different or "other than".
You are not somehow cursed or tainted because you have suffered abuse.
Mental health issues are stigmatized. Survivors of trauma are stigmatized and seen as "other than" when we need the exact opposite-understanding and inclusivity.
But I could not say anything.
What could I have said?
"I am a victim of abuse. Of terrible things. But I am normal or well I have CPTSD, so..."
I wanted to emphasize my grit, my street smarts, my enhanced humanity and empathy because of suffering.
But I said nothing.
I was in a large group in a restaurant. It would have been awkward.
But why does it have to be shameful?
I did not choose to be abused. I suffered and endured. Isn't there pride in that?
 
First thing I would like to say is; Don't sell yourself short, if your child is a happy child it is because you are doing something right as a parent. Secondly, find a simple way to try and educate the people around you. You need not disclose your own mental health in the process.

A few years ago, back when I was still working as an engineer, a group of my co-workers and I went out to lunch. While eating or meal a news story come on the radio about a man who jumped out of an eleventh story window trying to take his own life. He landed on a car and survived. He than made his way back into the building, took the elevator back up to the eleventh floor and was preparing to jump a second time when someone stopped him. My co-workers began making fun of this man and calling him a looser and many other such things. I sat there, shacking my head and finally said "You guys are f*cking terrible, how do you think he feels, what would it take to make you feel is if life were no longer worth living." It probably didn't hurt that I was teary eyed by this time, but they got real sullen and were silent for awhile and then one by one they apologized for their behavior.

I now it takes a lot of courage to do something like this, but it is possible. I continued to work with these people for many more years, they never treated my any worse for it, as a matter of fact, I thing I actually gained a little more respect from them.

Just as a side note; I also survived a suicide attempt, so I have a lot of sympathy for the man.
 
It’s very much a “them VS us” complex.

Mental gymnastics.

Bad things only happen to THEM, or to THOSE PEOPLE.

Bad things don’t happen to people like ME.

It’s a smokescreen, a method of denial.

If bad things happen to good people....OMG pure chaos. So yeah, bad things don’t happen to good people, and therefore I feel safe.
 
I don’t think this is a subject limited to just mental illness. People have always had opinions about everything and people judge on every subject there is and about people On all levels. Hell, I sometimes get pissed about the rich and their snobby affected ways. They think because they have a bit more green in their pockets that they are better than me. f*ck that, green can quickly turn to shit too.

I think because we have mental illness that we are just more sensitive about the subject. I have mental illness, EVERYONE I work for and know, knows I have PTSD and they don’t treat me any differently. I’m not sensitive about having PTSD. I’ve had people say to me jokingly, “are you nuts?” I laugh, look at them and say, “stupid question, you know I am,” and we just laugh.
 
Since there has been a stigma against mental health issues since time began, unlikey we are going to change the world view.
But I like what @Lost Marbles shared.

There are non confrontational ways to challenge how people think. Doesn' mean we have to lay our story out there, but we can share how to be compassionate and express empathy.

That is what @Lost Marbles did. He simply asked them to imagine how this man felt.

I rarely take others ignorance personal. But when I do, I find ways to challenge their attitude or thinking. If it goes nowhere then these are people who simply live on the same planet I do. Doesn' mean I have to be around them.
 
I'm the kind of person who thinks low of "those people".

You're not in that category as far as I'm concerned. I think it's awesome that you broke the cycle. You're a positive influence and role model for your daughter, and can give her a far better home than you grew up in.

Now "those people". Totally different story. They came from horrible homes as well. I feel bad for them having to live through that. But that does not make it in any way acceptable to abuse their own children.
Sorry, but "those people" had the same opportunity you did. They could have also broken the cycle, but they didn't.
They are now child abusers. There are always options available for them to not abuse their kids. They don't use them.

I have tons of sympathy for anyone who endured an abusive home. Right up until they choose to pass it down to their own kids. Then they become "those people".

I'm very fortunate in that like your daughter I never had to grow up in an abusive home. Like you, my mother broke the cycle. I grew up in a good home and I am very grateful.

If my mother could do it, and you could do it. Then "those people" should have done it too.

Maybe other people have a different idea of what constitutes a "those people". But that's what it means to me.

I don't pity you either, I applaud you.
 
Yes, this conversation happened in the context of a diversity discussion. So it was upsetting, the irony of it.

It upsets me as I am trying to advocate for people traditionally marginalized and I did not say anything.
I don't know what I could have said.
There are rich kids who are abused and there are poor kids who are abused. It is human suffering. Money or no money. Actually poorer people have higher trauma rates because of higher stress and lack of resources.
It was their tone. This almost disgusted tone. How do you address that tone?
This has really effected me.
I was just in therapy and talking about my mother and my T said, "That must have been so horrible for you."
And then I said, "Well, I'm not going to feel sorry for myself."
I normally always feel receptive to validation.
 
and my T said, "That must have been sohorrible for you."...
I lap up validation too. But someone saying this rarely feels validating to me. Rather more increases the lack of connection between myself and the speaker.

I can empathise that hearing that tone in a meeting supposedly on diversity must have been really frustrating. The fact it silenced you, someone who seems generally speaking ok with opening up on this subject.

I think it's the tone of disgust which is hard to overcome here?
 
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Yeah, I don't know. Maybe its the shame. Its the 'feeling on the outside' that the tone provokes.
I had for so many years been in denial. I had denial in school. I even thought about the abusive families and I thought, "Thank God I wasn't abused."
There is more though than just the terribleness of it.
There is a judgement there, a "less than" feeling right as we were talking about how people are made to feel "less than."
I used to always pretend I had a good family.
I think it is hard to suffer abuse and then you feel ashamed that you suffer abuse.
So I was sensitive to that tone.
I don't think I should have to feel shame over suffering abuse.
But it is this 'secret shame'. It is this terrible thing. Has it made me terrible?
I thought about suicide all day today. Wanting to die because I feel invisible. It was that tone, that pushing away feeling. That "those people" are dammed and ruined feeling.
Where does it come from?
It must be fear. Humans are good at fear. The fear of catching mental illness. Don't make yourself better and feel better because you were not abused. Don't tell yourself that snobby rich people are abusive to their snobby rich kids. What are you even saying? It doesn't even make sense. This kind of judgement is what I am trying to make better.
Trying eradicate that stigma.
But having suicidal thoughts today does not make me look so good (to myself). And if I did kill myself (not at all a plan) these same colleagues would be judgemental of that. I can see them whispering in hushed tones,"Well, she was mentally ill." "She had PTSD. I heard her father was an alcoholic."
There is judgement there.
It is hard to simply have compassion and empathy.
I am trying to have that for these women.
But I am just exhausted and having cognitive distortions. Cause I have mental illness. Oh well.
 
I am sorry this has affected you do much though I totally understand why it would.

I was just now thinking of how human beings are able to cast some group as being other. Eg racists do this to people with a different skin tone or religion. Rapists to their victims.

I think too very much that what @EveHarrington refers to is something that people do to be able to continue their illusion that they are safe and these terrible things are somehow the fault of the victim. Read here to hammer home the point

I wondered if it might be helpful to you slant your view of these people in your meeting and see that what they are doing is akin to what happens in the minds of racists or rapists.

Ie that the "otherisation" of victims is something they do for their benefit. Not something that reflects on who you are in any way.
Does that make sense?

So to, as firmly as you can recognise their judgement and disgust as being their illusion not a reflection of you. :hug:

And just to say I struggle terribly with the same issues of shame and feeling different
Best
 
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