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The Thought That Started The Feeling

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Monarch

MyPTSD Pro
I was talking to my T this week about my suicidal thinking, being that even when things are going well I can have it, fact is most everyday I wake up feeling suicidal to some degree. Anyway, she asked me about the feelings I have and I just wasn't getting it, couldn't pinpoint anything beyond shame. So she asked me what the thought was that was provoking the feeling. I have never thought of that before so I paused and she told me to not stop and think it through just say it. So I did and I was actually shocked because the thought I go back to is wishing that my rapist would have killed me right after the attack. Seriously, I fought to live during the rape but then afterward I wished he would have killed me.

Now that i see that I can take my suicidal thoughts less seriously and push them aside easier, knowing it is not stuff that is happening now. In fact, my life now is pretty damn good and I have no reason to die.
 
Very impressed with your hard work now showing and proving to yourself your own results Mon... really clear and logical thoughts coming from you, which you always must remember and use to bring yourself out of the down times... and they really do become less and less the better you get at self management. What your saying above, is you demonstrating to yourself self management... and it all starts with being honest with yourself and bouncing ideas around of off others to find the solution. Eventually you just get really good at it and can look within to find it yourself.

Very proud of your hard self work Mon... nobody could have done this for you, but you have now done it for yourself. Still very chuffed with your self results from pushing yourself. Such excellent results.
 
Wow, that is great work between you and your therapist Monarch and awesome progress on your behalf. You should be really damn proud of yourself. To be able to acknowledge what was stuck in your head (wanting to be killed rather than being raped) versus the reality (your life is pretty damn good) is absolutely awesome. I bet your life just changed for the better. :D
 
Thanks everyone! Really it is helping me push away those suicidal feelings now. Today was a pretty rough session, talked a lot about what happened to me when I was 9. I haven't talked about it in that way, it was interesting. I did well and I am proud of myself for sticking with it even though I wanted to quit halfway through the session I knew it would be alright.
 
. Seriously, I fought to live during the rape but then afterward I wished he would have killed me..

Thanks for saying that Monarch. I can relate to that. I also wished he had killed me. I have said that very thing lots of times, but I have never connected it with the suicidal thoughts that I have now.
 
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