The Trauma of past relationships haunt me.

Cannonl3all

New Here
I'm going through the hardest breakup of my life. T and I have been together for almost 4 years. He and I are in our early 30s. Both of us met when his little girl was 2, and my little boy was 3. He's been there through a long high conflict custody case to win my son from the last relationahip I was in. He was my protector, and helped me feel confident and self assured...
I was recently diagnosed with BPD, (Borderline Personality Disorder), and Bipolar II Disorder 4 months ago. I've been in 2 failed marriages. As a female combat veteran, that's not unheard of. With my diagnosis however, it makes much more sense to me now. Both of my ex husbands were narcissists. Neither of them-actually, none of the men in my life loved me the way my recent "ex fiance" does.
I broke his heart. We are both Army combat vets with our own issues. His dad killed himself (A vietnam vet) while he was in Afghanistan. He conquered a meth addiction 6 years ago. Hes been in way Crazier relationships. Way more issues than what we have, or had...
I've broken up with him Friday the 13th. This was the day before his first Bodybuilding Competition. I felt that week coming up to it, I was totally discarded. He was cold. He and I live apart. He decided to move in a 3 bdrm with his Narc mom. He promised me a 3 bdrm for us and the kids, but told his mom he we were going to live in a 4 bedroom with her. So I left the week I found out and have lived with my parents 4 months since then. Short story long, I asked him to take me back the same day, or night I wrote him our break up letter.. I said it was up to him. I called, texted, and he still didnt reach out to me after his competition was done, (Due to covid there were no guests allowed). I texted the screenshots I took of him while it was his turn to be live on that stage. Still... No answer.
He's also an addict, and he recently had a relapse. I was afraid he was avoidong me because he was going to use cocaine again. I texted him, "Are you okay? Are you feeling 'itchy?' I had a dream that you used during or after your competition, (YES this is true) and I'm worried about you. Am I going to see you today? Will you take me back?"
He responded,
"Didn't you break up with me yesterday?"

That was it. I had 1 minute of clarity to type, "I understand. We are broken up. I am blocking your number, and facebook."
He's said all the right things and promised to change and get help. Everything ive wanted to hear. Said he is done being a boy. He said he's going to kick his mom to the curb. He wanted me to know how regretful and sorry he was... Im scared to believe him.
Im seeing 2 therapists, just bought a subscription to better help. I want him and I to find peace. Last thing I said to him.
"I need emotionally stability. Until I find it, please give me space.." Something like that.
"I'll do whatever makes you happy" was his answer.
 

Friday

Moderator
Welcome aboard, from a lady leatherneck ;)

Honest appraisal... Do you think your relationship can survive the 2 of you NOT being dicks to each other? Because some relationships are built on that.

- BPD has its own unique brand of ‘I love you, go away!, how could you leave me?? I love you, go away! How could you leave me??
- PTSD -often- has it’s own tango (INTENSE!... isolate ....INTENSE!...)
- Vets are notorious thrill seekers, pushing the envelope to feel... anything.
- Addicts, meanwhile, are chaos seekers as a breed
- Whilst abuse survivors almost never trust calm/quiet, and are either waiting for the shoe to drop, or deliberately throw shoes, just to get it over with.

All of this spells the 2 of you probably being perfect for each other when eyeballs deep in problems... but if either of both of you are trying to be/get “better”? The delicate balance would ...kaboom.

That’s not to say it couldn’t work, but the odds are stacked against.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
I'm going through the hardest breakup of my life. T and I have been together for almost 4 years. He and I are in our early 30s. Both of us met when his little girl was 2, and my little boy was 3. He's been there through a long high conflict custody case to win my son from the last relationahip I was in. He was my protector, and helped me feel confident and self assured...
I was recently diagnosed with BPD, (Borderline Personality Disorder), and Bipolar II Disorder 4 months ago. I've been in 2 failed marriages. As a female combat veteran, that's not unheard of. With my diagnosis however, it makes much more sense to me now. Both of my ex husbands were narcissists. Neither of them-actually, none of the men in my life loved me the way my recent "ex fiance" does.
I broke his heart. We are both Army combat vets with our own issues. His dad killed himself (A vietnam vet) while he was in Afghanistan. He conquered a meth addiction 6 years ago. Hes been in way Crazier relationships. Way more issues than what we have, or had...
I've broken up with him Friday the 13th. This was the day before his first Bodybuilding Competition. I felt that week coming up to it, I was totally discarded. He was cold. He and I live apart. He decided to move in a 3 bdrm with his Narc mom. He promised me a 3 bdrm for us and the kids, but told his mom he we were going to live in a 4 bedroom with her. So I left the week I found out and have lived with my parents 4 months since then. Short story long, I asked him to take me back the same day, or night I wrote him our break up letter.. I said it was up to him. I called, texted, and he still didnt reach out to me after his competition was done, (Due to covid there were no guests allowed). I texted the screenshots I took of him while it was his turn to be live on that stage. Still... No answer.
He's also an addict, and he recently had a relapse. I was afraid he was avoidong me because he was going to use cocaine again. I texted him, "Are you okay? Are you feeling 'itchy?' I had a dream that you used during or after your competition, (YES this is true) and I'm worried about you. Am I going to see you today? Will you take me back?"
He responded,
"Didn't you break up with me yesterday?"

That was it. I had 1 minute of clarity to type, "I understand. We are broken up. I am blocking your number, and facebook."
He's said all the right things and promised to change and get help. Everything ive wanted to hear. Said he is done being a boy. He said he's going to kick his mom to the curb. He wanted me to know how regretful and sorry he was... Im scared to believe him.
Im seeing 2 therapists, just bought a subscription to better help. I want him and I to find peace. Last thing I said to him.
"I need emotionally stability. Until I find it, please give me space.." Something like that.
"I'll do whatever makes you happy" was his answer.
Cocaine addiction can change the brain significantly, so you said the right thing-you need stability. It looks like his mother may take precedence over another woman in his life-that’s a real concern.

If you Reconsider getting together after a year or two and he’s clean-(he needs his space as much as you do), attending therapy and weekly meetings-kicking and dealing w addiction takes a lot of effort and energy, as do dealing w the why of that kind of self destructive behavior. I’m not sure he could ever promise to be the kind of guy whom you know you could always trust and be there for you. That hasn’t happened so far. You deserve better-maybe you can view him as just training wheels for a more reliable partner?
 

Cannonl3all

New Here
Welcome aboard, from a lady leatherneck ;)

Honest appraisal... Do you think your relationship can survive the 2 of you NOT being dicks to each other? Because some relationships are built on that.

- BPD has its own unique brand of ‘I love you, go away!, how could you leave me?? I love you, go away! How could you leave me??
- PTSD -often- has it’s own tango (INTENSE!... isolate ....INTENSE!...)
- Vets are notorious thrill seekers, pushing the envelope to feel... anything.
- Addicts, meanwhile, are chaos seekers as a breed
- Whilst abuse survivors almost never trust calm/quiet, and are either waiting for the shoe to drop, or deliberately throw shoes, just to get it over with.

All of this spells the 2 of you probably being perfect for each other when eyeballs deep in problems... but if either of both of you are trying to be/get “better”? The delicate balance would ...kaboom.

That’s not to say it couldn’t work, but the odds are stacked against.
Lady Leatherneck! Thank you a bunch. There's no way I can gaurantee that I myself will not be a dick, love him and leave him 2 or 3 more times with shoes flying everywhere in a fearful frenzy.
I also can't rely on that mustard seed of hope in him taking real action in his recovery. T_T I called him today to tell him that yes, this is hard on me too, even though I broke it off. I almost called him again tonight, but I controlled myself... For now.

Friday, that's such a great summation.
I didnt know it was Friday the 13th until I dated the letter.

Cocaine addiction can change the brain significantly, so you said the right thing-you need stability. It looks like his mother may take precedence over another woman in his life-that’s a real concern.

If you Reconsider getting together after a year or two and he’s clean-(he needs his space as much as you do), attending therapy and weekly meetings-kicking and dealing w addiction takes a lot of effort and energy, as do dealing w the why of that kind of self destructive behavior. I’m not sure he could ever promise to be the kind of guy whom you know you could always trust and be there for you. That hasn’t happened so far. You deserve better-maybe you can view him as just training wheels for a more reliable partner?
You know... I have never done anything but smoke weed. That is until I met T. I allowed and enabled him to introduce me to cocaine on New Years Eve. That night at midnight he proposed to me in the bathroom after I finished snorting my second line. We did it 3 other times. At a wedding, out of town for his work's Christmas party, and at the house kid free and alone. The last two instances Horrified me. He didn't want to stop. I haven't touched that shit in 2 years. I still go to meeting anyway though. Jic...
Yes, his mom was a big deal breaker for me. At least the way he still chose her over me after asking for my hand in marriage.
You're right. To make this relatiinship work would take a LOT of effort from both sides. I can't be the only one... I want to believe he will do his part, but like Friday (Lady Leatherneck) said about me waiting for the other shoe to drop, or Ill be throwing it to get shit over with.
Bro, I'm going to be Crazy Cat lady. My poor son. Thank God he wasn't around for any of this! I'm just happy to have support. I'm done being a shit mother.
 

TruthSeeker

MyPTSD Pro
You know... I have never done anything but smoke weed. That is until I met T. I allowed and enabled him to introduce me to cocaine on New Years Eve. That night at midnight he proposed to me in the bathroom after I finished snorting my second line. We did it 3 other times. At a wedding, out of town for his work's Christmas party, and at the house kid free and alone. The last two instances Horrified me. He didn't want to stop. I haven't touched that shit in 2 years. I still go to meeting anyway though. Jic...
Yes, his mom was a big deal breaker for me. At least the way he still chose her over me after asking for my hand in marriage.
You're right. To make this relatiinship work would take a LOT of effort from both sides. I can't be the only one... I want to believe he will do his part, but like Friday (Lady Leatherneck) said about me waiting for the other shoe to drop, or Ill be throwing it to get shit over with.
Bro, I'm going to be Crazy Cat lady. My poor son. Thank God he wasn't around for any of this! I'm just happy to have support. I'm done being a shit mother.
Way to go.....yeah....doesn't look like he's healthy for you. Good decision on your part to stay away, stay clean, and be there for your kid. Without someone dragging you down, you'll have room to make good choices, make good memories, and be the person you want to be.
 
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