Hey everyone,
I haven't posted in a while and I want to share something that I've been too terrified to tell my doctors or my insurance carrier. I'm scared if I'm honest about how I spend me day I'll either loose my finance support or end up hospitalized and loose my autonomy.
So here is the truth.... I hope this helps you in some way shape or form.
MY DAY:
—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—
• I find regular activities take longer than before.
• I started reading today at 12pm. By 4pm I read 17 pages.
• my time is almost exclusively cooking one meal and chores.
• I feel too run down and tired to complete tasks.
• I usually eat once a day but I tell everyone I eat regularly. I wouldn't eat at all if it wasn't necessary. I just don't have the will.
• I require frequent breaks so I don't become emotionally distraught.
• I force myself to read, listen to music, sketch, watch something funny, etc. because I know I'm capable of joy if I cultivate my life. I don't have the energy or tolerance to stick to it.
• I feel like I'm not allowed to enjoy life, especially while on disability. I don't understand joy. It's foreign to me.
• I go outside 2-3 times a week.
• I say I walk everyday because I'm scared if I tell the truth I'll get in trouble.
• The rest of my day is filled with anxiety, triggers (not as frequently), and dissociation.
• Therapy makes me feel worse. But it's necessarily to recover. I sometimes need a few days to recuperate.
• The longest stretch of time was a month.
ANXIETY & NEGATIVE THINKING
————————————————————————
Anxiety is distressing because the contrast between my perception and reality is brutally different. Everytime I catch myself thinking, feeling or acting anxiously it feels like waking up from a nightmare.
I sometimes cry after.
BEING TRIGGERS
————————————————————————
Being triggered is the most horrific, terrifying, painful, shameful thing I experience. It's like being eaten alive by something that absolutely hates and despises me.
I always cry.
The feeling of hopelessness, helplessness and worthlessness is so painful that I want to end my life. This sensation can last hours and at my worst it lasted for days or weeks.
Then I experience what I can only describe as an adrenaline dump. It's a sensation of being violently pulled through the floor. I'm in shock.
I'm out of tears.
DISSOCIATION
————————————————————
Dissociation, although not in the same league as being triggered, is the most disturbing part of my day because I question my sanity.
It's like a cut scene in a TV horror show. It's analogous to the Netflix show Haunting of Bly Manor. It's like being tucked away. It feel like I'm somewhere else.
I snap out of it when something intense occurs or when I realize I just said a thought out loud. I'm short of breath after. It's frightening to hear my own voice.
So that's what my days are like.
----
On a lighter note, I've had accomplishments too and I will post the list.
Thanks for letting my share.
I haven't posted in a while and I want to share something that I've been too terrified to tell my doctors or my insurance carrier. I'm scared if I'm honest about how I spend me day I'll either loose my finance support or end up hospitalized and loose my autonomy.
So here is the truth.... I hope this helps you in some way shape or form.
MY DAY:
—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—
• I find regular activities take longer than before.
• I started reading today at 12pm. By 4pm I read 17 pages.
• my time is almost exclusively cooking one meal and chores.
• I feel too run down and tired to complete tasks.
• I usually eat once a day but I tell everyone I eat regularly. I wouldn't eat at all if it wasn't necessary. I just don't have the will.
• I require frequent breaks so I don't become emotionally distraught.
• I force myself to read, listen to music, sketch, watch something funny, etc. because I know I'm capable of joy if I cultivate my life. I don't have the energy or tolerance to stick to it.
• I feel like I'm not allowed to enjoy life, especially while on disability. I don't understand joy. It's foreign to me.
• I go outside 2-3 times a week.
• I say I walk everyday because I'm scared if I tell the truth I'll get in trouble.
• The rest of my day is filled with anxiety, triggers (not as frequently), and dissociation.
• Therapy makes me feel worse. But it's necessarily to recover. I sometimes need a few days to recuperate.
• The longest stretch of time was a month.
ANXIETY & NEGATIVE THINKING
————————————————————————
Anxiety is distressing because the contrast between my perception and reality is brutally different. Everytime I catch myself thinking, feeling or acting anxiously it feels like waking up from a nightmare.
I sometimes cry after.
BEING TRIGGERS
————————————————————————
Being triggered is the most horrific, terrifying, painful, shameful thing I experience. It's like being eaten alive by something that absolutely hates and despises me.
I always cry.
The feeling of hopelessness, helplessness and worthlessness is so painful that I want to end my life. This sensation can last hours and at my worst it lasted for days or weeks.
Then I experience what I can only describe as an adrenaline dump. It's a sensation of being violently pulled through the floor. I'm in shock.
I'm out of tears.
DISSOCIATION
————————————————————
Dissociation, although not in the same league as being triggered, is the most disturbing part of my day because I question my sanity.
It's like a cut scene in a TV horror show. It's analogous to the Netflix show Haunting of Bly Manor. It's like being tucked away. It feel like I'm somewhere else.
I snap out of it when something intense occurs or when I realize I just said a thought out loud. I'm short of breath after. It's frightening to hear my own voice.
So that's what my days are like.
----
On a lighter note, I've had accomplishments too and I will post the list.
Thanks for letting my share.