The Truth: How I spend my day

Chris416

New Here
Hey everyone,

I haven't posted in a while and I want to share something that I've been too terrified to tell my doctors or my insurance carrier. I'm scared if I'm honest about how I spend me day I'll either loose my finance support or end up hospitalized and loose my autonomy.

So here is the truth.... I hope this helps you in some way shape or form.

MY DAY:
—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—·—
• I find regular activities take longer than before.
• I started reading today at 12pm. By 4pm I read 17 pages.
• my time is almost exclusively cooking one meal and chores.
• I feel too run down and tired to complete tasks.
• I usually eat once a day but I tell everyone I eat regularly. I wouldn't eat at all if it wasn't necessary. I just don't have the will.
• I require frequent breaks so I don't become emotionally distraught.
• I force myself to read, listen to music, sketch, watch something funny, etc. because I know I'm capable of joy if I cultivate my life. I don't have the energy or tolerance to stick to it.
• I feel like I'm not allowed to enjoy life, especially while on disability. I don't understand joy. It's foreign to me.
• I go outside 2-3 times a week.
• I say I walk everyday because I'm scared if I tell the truth I'll get in trouble.
• The rest of my day is filled with anxiety, triggers (not as frequently), and dissociation.
• Therapy makes me feel worse. But it's necessarily to recover. I sometimes need a few days to recuperate.
• The longest stretch of time was a month.

ANXIETY & NEGATIVE THINKING
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Anxiety is distressing because the contrast between my perception and reality is brutally different. Everytime I catch myself thinking, feeling or acting anxiously it feels like waking up from a nightmare.

I sometimes cry after.

BEING TRIGGERS
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Being triggered is the most horrific, terrifying, painful, shameful thing I experience. It's like being eaten alive by something that absolutely hates and despises me.

I always cry.

The feeling of hopelessness, helplessness and worthlessness is so painful that I want to end my life. This sensation can last hours and at my worst it lasted for days or weeks.

Then I experience what I can only describe as an adrenaline dump. It's a sensation of being violently pulled through the floor. I'm in shock.

I'm out of tears.

DISSOCIATION
————————————————————
Dissociation, although not in the same league as being triggered, is the most disturbing part of my day because I question my sanity.

It's like a cut scene in a TV horror show. It's analogous to the Netflix show Haunting of Bly Manor. It's like being tucked away. It feel like I'm somewhere else.

I snap out of it when something intense occurs or when I realize I just said a thought out loud. I'm short of breath after. It's frightening to hear my own voice.

So that's what my days are like.
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On a lighter note, I've had accomplishments too and I will post the list.

Thanks for letting my share.
 

Teamwork

MyPTSD Pro
You wrote it well, so give it to the therapist. They can answer all your questions, get you on the right track and you will feel better for revealing your authentic you. Sometimes we lie to some providers because of fear and rightly so, however the therapist may be the safest one to share this with. Truth is, you are doing quite a bit. It is not optimal yet, but someone assisting you to get there, can’t if they don’t realize your not optimal because you conceal the truth. Mine usually thanks me for honesty about my struggles as it helps him pace the work so that it doesn’t overwhelm me at home.
 

joeylittle

Administrator
I will share.
Come back and let us know how it goes, too.

So much of what you are describing is depression - which can be standalone (co-morbid diagnosis) or could be the depression aspects of PTSD. But either way - I want to encourage you to remember that symptoms can be so strong that they can't be 'muscled through' - they can't be willed away. And it's alright, when things are extremely hard, to figure out how to go a little easier on yourself in terms of how hard you're pushing to try and meet expectations.

You catalogued your symptoms extremely well, and that's going to be immensely helpful to the people who can help you. Great job doing that!
 

Chris416

New Here
Thanks Joeylittle.

That was reassuring, especially when you said, "symptoms can be so strong that they can't be 'muscled through' - they can't be willed away." It is strange for something intangible to have so much agency over my life.

I did share this with my doctor who passed it on to my insurance carrier. I was diagnosised with PTSD (Complex PTSD hasn't been given its due in Canada yet) and persistent depression a couple years ago.

I'm slowly accepting the reality of the situation. I feel like I've been fighting the force of the ocean instead of focusing on my swim back to land. I'm going to be tossed around. But, on those calmer days, I can close the gap.

Thanks again everyone,
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I've been on disability since 2012. I do things to make myself happy, and provide for my family. I try to live the best life I can, since I know I won't be able to work again. You deserve any happiness you can get, so don't punish yourself for being on disability. Easier said than done, I know.
 

Mee

MyPTSD Pro
Well. I want to say congratulations for making a daily meal! When exhausted those things are really , really difficult. I’m wondering if you can make life a little easier by making a couple of portions and refrigerating one so you have two meals a day ( even if the same thing) rather than one?
I really struggle with basic tasks and eat variably when my husband is not at home so I think that I can empathise. I have noticed that since he has worked from home and this has enforced a more regular ( though far from perfect ) eating pattern it’s really helped me tackle the depressive element of my ptsd . It’s not life changing but it’s ‘self care ‘ albeit less fun than bubble bath. But - you need to get there in your own time.
 
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