The unwanted child

[BigLittle]

Hi,

Feeling like an unwanted child .. does this sound familiar with anyone?

And how do you cope and work through this?

This gaping ice cold hollow abyss is what I have been trying to fill or close all of my life with about every selfdestructive copingmechanism there is.

Looking forward to your feedback.

Thanks.

 

[Movingforward10]

Yep. I was told that. Not planned. Mum couldn't cope with the two she already had.
And basically felt parenting was beneath her.

I'm just (in my 40's) learning what that emotional neglect and unworthiness means. It impacts everything. The whole: I'm not good enough and it's all my fault.

Mum still gives me messages that if only I was different people (her, my sisters) would be happy.

I see it as trying to pluck the fleas of her personality out of me to let me be me and see me and the world through my eyes, rather than her ignorance.
For reasons that are beyond me, it's a really tough process.

Su I suppose it is about self love and self validation?

 

[Sideways]

And how do you cope and work through this?

For me, there was a lot of grief when it really hit me. My parents have told me all my life they didn’t want me, but it didn’t really penetrate what that meant till my 30s (and a lot of therapy).

And when it did? There was (is) a lot of grief. For what I wish I’d had. For what I told myself I had (“this is normal, this is what parental love looks like for most kids”), which had never actually existed. Maybe one day I’ll get to anger. Maybe not.

I’ve had to work hard on balancing that sense of loss with something else, or it could have really drowned me. Like, I can acknowledge to myself I didn’t have their love and acceptance, but I can get that elsewhere now (starting with me…work in progress!). That’s really important for me. Yes, there’s a big hole where love and caring should have been, but I can get that elsewhere now, which makes it more bearable. There’s still grief, but there not just grief.

Idk if that makes sense. It makes sense in my head, but I suspect it doesn’t translate well to words on a screen!

 

[arfie]

i came of age in throwaway kid camps. yup, i suffer this syndrome in spades. still a works in progress. . .

the inner child theories have been my most effective tool for working through this conundrum, most especially the theories on parenting the inner child. when i find my self-esteem crawling back to the cesspools in which i was raised, i visualize myself as a child and apply the adult care i **should have** received as a child.

 

[Aprilshowers]

When I had children I realized they were not only toxic, but dangerous, to my kids and that I didn't want them either.

 

[sunlight7]

Hi,

Feeling like an unwanted child .. does this sound familiar with anyone?

And how do you cope and work through this?

This gaping ice cold hollow abyss is what I have been trying to fill or close all of my life with about every selfdestructive copingmechanism there is.

Looking forward to your feedback.

Thanks.

Maybe not unwanted, but I feel like the difficult, trouble maker, and inferior one many times throughout my life. it’s not quite the same but I know it’s made me feel real shitty. I’ve tried talking to my parents about it before but they were like oh no that’s not true …but I know it’s not what you asked so if you feel like hearing more about it, let me know, typically I’m a closed book except for here!