Therapist Abandoned Me

Rorster93

Confident
I've been trying to work with my doctor but she is increasingly harder to see. I've gone a month without seeing her because they were closed for good friday, I couldn't see her before that because the receptionist messed up the schedule. They just called to cancel my appointment this Friday because the whole office caught covid and no, she cannot do telehealth. My boyfriend isn't speaking to me, I feel alone and abandoned. I have to wait months for another doctor to consider my case and decide if they will treat me. There's no one to talk to and I'm an emotional mess.
 

Rorster93

Confident
Sitting here with you, listening. It sucks feeing alone. You aren’t truly alone, even it it feels that way. Major props for coming here and reaching out for support.
Thank you. This means a lot. I'm deciding to look at this as an opportunity to find new help and maybe this new help will be more beneficial to my recovery.

I've been more emotional lately because I've been allowing myself to cry when I feel the need to and not judge myself for it. Also been exploring my trauma because it helps me realize my issues are really in my past and not my present. But sometimes if I go too deep into remembering my trauma, I get anxiety that won't go away until the next day and I feel more safe exploring when I have a professional in front of me in a safe setting.
 

June70

Confident
This happened to me. Most people I know get once or twice a week help but i get every 4 weeks. What i did is buy Janina fishers book, transforming the living legacy of trauma. It’s a workbook. My friend also bought it and we do it together once a week.
@Teamwork This sounds like something that would be helpful for me. I read some reviews of it on amazon. One person said it was only helpful for childhood trauma. Do you think that's true? Thanks.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
I'm deciding to look at this as an opportunity to find new help and maybe this new help will be more beneficial to my recovery.

a most excellent way to view the situation. among the things my own experiences down this line provided me with was motivation to get more involved with peer support. as valuable as pro support can be, it be my peers who help me translate pro psychobabble into my every day life. one hand washes the other.
 

Rorster93

Confident
a most excellent way to view the situation. among the things my own experiences down this line provided me with was motivation to get more involved with peer support. as valuable as pro support can be, it be my peers who help me translate pro psychobabble into my every day life. one hand washes the other.
The problem is finding peer support. The things I went through it's hard for me to trust anyone enough to share my past with. I can share my pain but not the reason behind it.

I feel as tho I'm burdening people when I reach out. A lot of people are completely comfortable sharing their experiences with me but when it's my turn, I sort of stumble and fail. It's like a mental block I've struggled with for a long time. I'm worried people might think I'm crazy (why I don't share with my bf). And asking to meet every week or two or month to do exercises out of a workbook together would be asking too much and my inner critic tells me I'm being codependent if I pursue that type of relationship with a friend.

And then there's this other side of me that gets mad and defensive when people pry unsolicitedly. It's none of their business and who are they to think they can help me in any way? They come off to me as entitled and overestimate their capabilities.

It's easier to share with a pro because there's no judgement, I have no personal relationship with them, and I get good, non-hurtful advice.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
my inner critic tells me I'm being codependent if I pursue that type of relationship with a friend.

i agree with your inner critic on this point. friends and family are notoriously lousy therapy supporters because they are too close to the equation to allow detachment necessary.

therapy peer supporters are not part of my social circle and have that same detachment as a pro. most of my peer groups are anonymous so that i can open up without undue fear that vulnerable details will make the grapevine news. this very forum is part of my online peer support network. the live members of my peer support network come to me through live support groups and workshops. to my own senses, relying on a single source makes my healing journey entirely too vulnerable to derailment such as what you are currently experiencing. with a network, i still have other options when a particular node on the network goes down for whatever reason.
 

Rorster93

Confident
i agree with your inner critic on this point. friends and family are notoriously lousy therapy supporters because they are too close to the equation to allow detachment necessary.

therapy peer supporters are not part of my social circle and have that same detachment as a pro. most of my peer groups are anonymous so that i can open up without undue fear that vulnerable details will make the grapevine news. this very forum is part of my online peer support network. the live members of my peer support network come to me through live support groups and workshops. to my own senses, relying on a single source makes my healing journey entirely too vulnerable to derailment such as what you are currently experiencing. with a network, i still have other options when a particular node on the network goes down for whatever reason.
I hate agreeing with my inner critic. I'm still in the stage where the critic has not been tamed to be constructive. But if I am emitting codependent tendencies then it is helpful and not harmful to acknowledge that. There is a feeling of toxic shame that comes after that acknowledgement though. To counter this I will add to my acknowledgement that I am refraining from and taking steps to stop being codependent.

Network of peer support is a term I will be adopting. Mine includes my elusive therapist, a new therapist I am getting a referral for this Friday, and this online forum.

My problem nowadays has been abandonment flashbacks. When my bf doesn't call me back when I want him to or when my therapist cancels for the 50th time I go into a panic. Embarrassing as it is. But through this I realized it's because I haven't dealt with my past.

My brother and I were taken from my family and put into foster care, separate homes. I wasn't allowed contact with him or my family. I still remember the one phone call they let me make to my brother and we both cried. We were 6 and 7. We were isolated with strangers. We were both placed with my grandparents after a while, my brother first, I, for some reason, had to stay behind a bit longer.
My grandmother, as punishment, would take the phone from me because I liked to use it to call my mother. So if I did anything bad, I couldn't talk to my mom. My mom was too concerned with hiding my stepfather from the law after he raped me (which was why we were taken and put into foster care) long story. She wasn't there for me like she should have been. If she were a true mother I wouldn't have these problems. I'm very angry with her.

But this is why I panic. People don't understand, when you don't have access, you never know when you will see or talk to that person again.
 

arfie

MyPTSD Pro
I'm still in the stage where the critic has not been tamed to be constructive.

the further i get in taming my inner critic, the harder it is for me to know when it is my inner critic speaking and when i am on to a valid point. i'm at the stage where i sit with ^it^ for a while and watch where it goes before i decide anything. not even my inner critic can be wrong ALL the time. 100% of anything is rare in life, even being wrong.

Network of peer support is a term I will be adopting. Mine includes my elusive therapist, a new therapist I am getting a referral for this Friday, and this online forum.

good term to adopt, but, for what it's worth, in my usage, pros can't be peers during a paid session. even if i were their professional equal, when you are paying them to therapute, they are not your equals. for me, "peer" means we are sharing our respective healing journeys. when a psych pro sits anonymously next to me at a support group, they are a peer, but not when i have to make an appointment to talk to them.
 

Rorster93

Confident
the further i get in taming my inner critic, the harder it is for me to know when it is my inner critic speaking and when i am on to a valid point. i'm at the stage where i sit with ^it^ for a while and watch where it goes before i decide anything. not even my inner critic can be wrong ALL the time. 100% of anything is rare in life, even being wrong.



good term to adopt, but, for what it's worth, in my usage, pros can't be peers during a paid session. even if i were their professional equal, when you are paying them to therapute, they are not your equals. for me, "peer" means we are sharing our respective healing journeys. when a psych pro sits anonymously next to me at a support group, they are a peer, but not when i have to make an appointment to talk to them.
I have realized that my support, whether pro or peer, has grown. It is more than I had before, which was just my one elusive therapist. It still has room to grow but just thankful, I hadn't realized this until now. If I keep going, I will get better.
 
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