had marriage counseling tonight and tried to express how i am trying to learn more about PTSD and how it affects my daily life instead of pretending i don't have it, that nothing is wrong and trying (TRYING) TO EMBRACE THE GOOD IN MY LIFE. as i have been told over and over by different people. i just feel so alone right now. so alone b/c his response was so matter of fact, that in dealing with the trauma(s) that it would be easier and natural to orient myself to the present, as opposed to what i have now. which is some sort of strange time warp/purgatory existence that pendulums (is that a word??) from being absent from my body and time and blindly functioning to overworking and crashing. i get so nervous telling another therapist i have ptsd, because it seems that just having textbook knowledge is not enough to know how to deal with it or counsel. i am so confused. from reading this forum and posts i was starting to think it would be wise to give this a go, to work to identify what is PTSD in my life and what is not, and move towards HEALTH. now i feel like i should just get over it. i can't properly speak of my past, i always feel the burden to explain that it's in the past and i have moved forward and have good things/people now. but as i just read in a post by catatonicky (i think)..."i live there everyday but pretend like i don't." WHY? because that is what is socially accepted...socially EXPECTED. i feel so alone and so dramatic because i am in so much pain in this little corner of me. and on the outside you would think, "damn, this chick has it together". or something like that. i want my past to not be an issue in my marriage. something that is not CONTINUALLY brought up and analyzed in terms of my current actions and responses. but i NEED to figure this out, get this out somewhere. just not in my marriage. he knows the gist. isn't that enough? i have a hard time opening up to people. and when i do, i usually just "disappear" afterwards. and PANIC. sort of like i do here. it is so hard to read the comments on here, i feel so small and stupid. and trite.