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Therapist Has Confused Me - Please Help!

Discussion in 'Treatment & Therapy' started by nor, Nov 20, 2007.

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  1. nor

    nor Well-Known Member

    I had my appt with the therapist yesterday. Explained to him that I am really tired of constantly apologizing for my existence and never receiving any apologies from anyone else in my life-even him (when he had said something that really upset me a few weeks ago).

    One of his may "comments" was that an apology may be given in order so that the act requiring the apology, can be done again. Wouldn't it be better if instead of just apologizing, that we make the conscious effort to not do the same offending action in the future.

    I felt so guilty. In the past few weeks, I have kind of told him off (a little each week)-gone in the next week with my apologies-and then wound up telling him off again-just to apologize the next week. It is a terrible circle. So, does that mean that my apologies are worthless? meaningless? Just a thing that I do, so I am entitled to do the same offending act again?! What kind of person does that make me???


    Oh-and he still didn't apologize
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  3. anthony

    anthony Silently Watching Founder

    Nor, because he is a therapist does not make him right. Like all of us who exist here, some things are fact, some are opinion. His statement about apologizing is opinion, not fact. Why? Because the very word apologize has a definitive meaning to it, being that you're sorry for an act you did. Now for example; if someone hit you, you hit them back to defend yourself, they said sorry for hitting you; is it necessarily correct that you apologise for hitting them back to defend you just because they apologised? I don't think so... especially if your not sorry and that is not what you feel. If you say what you feel, then that is not wrong. What is wrong is to say what may be seen as politically correct, or socially correct, though not necessarily correct for what you feel.

    Every time you have walked away from something, done the socially correct thing, though then cursed and cussed because that is not what you felt, you did the wrong thing in your own mind due to your own feelings.

    Obviously there are rights and wrongs to this, and one must exercise judgement within the confines of all laws to entice and maintain peace within their community, ie. because you feel like killing someone, that is not the right thing to do as its a criminal offence. Though alternatives exist to use words and express how you truly feel, not just say something to please others.

    Trust your gut, trust what your body is telling you....
  4. TheDeepestScar

    TheDeepestScar Member

    I wouldn't like your therapist, he would probably end up on my stack of 'fired' as one psychiatrist put it, therapists. Of course she always blamed me for it.

    Anyways, I think that apologizing is fairly common with PTSD...I'm only assuming that of course because I apologize for anything and everything if I think it could have been something that would be offensive to someone because I'm afraid of making anybody mad at me.

    That was a really bad run on.

    I don't think you are apologizing so that you can just do an offensive act again, you are defensively apologizing, which is totally different.

    And if he did something though, that upset you, being that he is your therapist....then he should apologize to you. How else is he to foster your trust? Because that's essential in any therapist/client relationship.

    I don't blame you for telling him off....I had to well I'm more stand offish but I had to tell a therapist that I basically thought he was a quack, now I do avoid eye contact with him even more than I did when I was seeing him because he was just wacko...pulling some new agey therapy on me.

    Double talking and such.

    If he is making you this upset you certainly don't need it if it's making your symptoms worse. A therapist should be helping you feel better not making you feel worse. I know how hard it is 'shopping' for a new therapist and it's always trial and error. But you won't get anywhere until you are able to trust and share with your therapist without feeling bad or without him making you feel bad.

    I went almost 9 months without a therapist because of my bad experiance with my last one....it was by the grace of God that I ended up with the therapist I ended up with. (the one I have now)

    But I know that he should probably be telling you its okay to apologize and to not beat yourself up over it...it's okay that you're apologizing but that doesn't mean that you have anything to apologize for. You just are feeling guilt which is a normal facet of PTSD. (I've been reading my workbook so I apologize if I've overstepping).
  5. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

    I have to go with Anthony on this. It is opinion based.

    It is hardly permissive either. I have been wrong and apologized to my husband. Hell, if you squeeze it out of me I am truly sorry and do not want a repeat. My husband is the same. Now if you go to one of my abusive exs then sorry is nothing more than I am sorry until the next time you are tempted to actually leave... I am sorry I pushed it too far, I know I can hurt you to this point. Do you think this is what he meant? But again, just because they are in the therapist chair does not make them correct, it means they finished school. And I am not too sure apologizing is exactly a PTSD symptom, if it is it is not one I am overly afflicted with.
  6. vera

    vera Active Member

    i am... =(
  7. nor

    nor Well-Known Member

    Many many thanks to you all.

    Anthony, I read your response the first day you posted, and found I needed at least a day and night to come back and reread the logic. You are correct. I do agree with what you are saying. There have been many times when I have walked away so angry with myself for having unnecessarily apologized.

    And both you and Veiled are right about it being his "opinion", and not "fact/law". I have a problem with always putting his "opinion" way above my own. I have rarely gone back in and disagreed with what he said. I grew up in a household where my father or brother always spoke the final word and we were to never challenge it (god help you if you did). Thus, I have a difficult time challenging my therapist's opinions. I need to have mulled it over for days, and written it down on a piece of paper, that I bring in with me next time.

    The part about retaliating when hit by someone else.....I would still be the one to apologize, as "good girls" don't react assertively (another household rule). That actually sounds like what the therapist was trying to say as well. I had responded accordingly because I had felt hurt by what he had said. My reaction had been appropriate. That is going to take a long time to relearn.

    Thank you DeepestScar and Vera, for letting me know that this is just one more thing shared in PTSD, and that I am not looking for forgiveness just to act out again.

    I do have to learn to trust myself more. And not be so afraid.

    I do feel better about going back in next week to see him-thank you all.
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