I feel really tentative about doing this post but here goes nothing.
I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and then I won't see her again for 3 weeks.
My therapist has told me this way in advance as my anxiety rises when she goes away.
It's unreasonable but her taking a holiday feels like abandonment even though I know it's not.
Intelluctually, I am fair & reasonable person and I swear I'm perfectly happy for her to take time off. She deserves it and I hope she has a lovely time. That's the part I try & stick with, and I truly do mean it.
But the other part, that I try desperately to ignore, is well terrified. I feel utterly convinced that something bad will happen to me in her absence. Then I feel anger at her for leaving me with this pain.
As this has happened on more minor levels before, my therapist proposes that this is because when I was a child my parents (more specifically my mum accordingy to therapist) would occasionally leave me to stay with relatives. It was a relative that was inappropriate towards to me.
Uggh I'm hating this right now. But anyway I can see her point now. That her absence is bringing up the feelings in me. Or something.
The problem is, these feelings of fear/abandonment are getting worse. Last night I had the worst nightmares. Well the dreams weren't horrific as such no blood or gore, more the feelings they generated. All variations of the same theme; me desperately trying to reach my therapist, or my therapist abandoning me, the phone not connecting etc. Once in the night I woke up screaming, and another time woke up crying. The rest just woke up.
So obviously I need to have some strategies in place for whilst my therapist is away. Any suggestions?
Secondly, do I dare to discuss all this with my therapist tomorrow? Part of me doesn't want to because I feel like a selfish childish person saying I don't want you to go & leave me. Another part already feels myself withdrawing, and thinks stuff you I'll leave first???
BTW, the last week I've been the best in 2 years I reckon. No alcohol or anything.
I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and then I won't see her again for 3 weeks.
My therapist has told me this way in advance as my anxiety rises when she goes away.
It's unreasonable but her taking a holiday feels like abandonment even though I know it's not.
Intelluctually, I am fair & reasonable person and I swear I'm perfectly happy for her to take time off. She deserves it and I hope she has a lovely time. That's the part I try & stick with, and I truly do mean it.
But the other part, that I try desperately to ignore, is well terrified. I feel utterly convinced that something bad will happen to me in her absence. Then I feel anger at her for leaving me with this pain.
As this has happened on more minor levels before, my therapist proposes that this is because when I was a child my parents (more specifically my mum accordingy to therapist) would occasionally leave me to stay with relatives. It was a relative that was inappropriate towards to me.
Uggh I'm hating this right now. But anyway I can see her point now. That her absence is bringing up the feelings in me. Or something.
The problem is, these feelings of fear/abandonment are getting worse. Last night I had the worst nightmares. Well the dreams weren't horrific as such no blood or gore, more the feelings they generated. All variations of the same theme; me desperately trying to reach my therapist, or my therapist abandoning me, the phone not connecting etc. Once in the night I woke up screaming, and another time woke up crying. The rest just woke up.
So obviously I need to have some strategies in place for whilst my therapist is away. Any suggestions?
Secondly, do I dare to discuss all this with my therapist tomorrow? Part of me doesn't want to because I feel like a selfish childish person saying I don't want you to go & leave me. Another part already feels myself withdrawing, and thinks stuff you I'll leave first???
BTW, the last week I've been the best in 2 years I reckon. No alcohol or anything.