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Therapist On Vacation

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I have known my therapist was going on vacation for awhile, but now that the time has arrived I am completely falling apart. She will be gone for two weeks. I was honestly thinking I was fine until this afternoon. I had my last appointment with her (until she comes back) today. Then, I got up to go get a snack. My cat had been napping on my legs so I said "don't worry I'll be back" to my cat and I just broke down in tears. I sobbed to my cat that I really meant it and I wouldn't abandon her and then that changed to begging my cat to make sure our therapist comes back from vacation. I e-mailed my therapist and got a nice reply back but that doesn't change my fear that she won't ever come back. Does anyone else worry about that when their therapist goes away? Any tips on how to manage the unsupported time? I am not totally dependent on my therapist, I have skills, I just don't like people going away or going away from people.
 
I feel like you understand me.

I can't handle that either. I feel so abandoned.

Or I tell myself it'll be fine, it's temporary, but then when the day comes, I fall to pieces, panic, or sob uncontrollably. It always surprises me.

I do suspect I have some form of DID, co-conscious. It's subtle enough that I don't know for sure. But I know when parts co-control. It feels like I have a wing-girl co-piloting and sometimes, it's hard to tell who is really flying the plane. Other times, it's obvious "I'm" not.
 
I remember deliberately setting out to teach my son when he was a baby / toddler that I always come back. It's a developmental milestone, the understanding that someone will go away AND THEN come back. Go away. AND. Come back. Go away & Come back. Go away & Come Back. . It's a huge part of secure attachment, object permanence, & trust.

I had to set out to do it deliberately, because it's something that I struggle with.

That if I don't have eyes-on? They're dead or in some other way gone forever. I'll never see them again. That the only thing I can trust is what I see, right here, right now, in this moment. There is no future. There is only now. Even when I'm doing well? Trust, much less trust in the future, is not my forte. Never leave on bad terms. Never go to sleep angry. No matter terrible the fight (and how furious/ done/ or disgusted I am with someone in the moment), or how casual the leaving (running to the corner store for milk, back in 4 minutes), I always always always make sure the last thing I say to someone is something I can live with as the last thing I ever said to them. It's usually some version of 'I love you.' I've had too many goodbyes. Too many unexpected losses. Too many regrets.

I was taking psych classes at the time, however, and the Dept.Chair was my mentor/advisor. She was a total rockstar :sneaky: So even before my son hit the stages of object permanence & separation anxiety, she gave me a huge list of tips/tricks/tools to help teach those things. The biggest? Even have a lovely alliteration scheme: Ritual-Routine-Repetition.

Every time I'd leave, & every time I'd return.. purposefully incorporating key elements (rituals) that repeated. A little like Pavlov & his dogs, having those elements meant that comfort-care-soothing would attach to the rituals themselves. Build trust on many levels. So that when those stages hit -and they did- there was a rock solid foundation to lean back on.

It helped me as much -if not more- than it did, him.

Go away & Come back.

2 pieces to a system. 2 parts to a whole. 1 naturally following the other.

Maybe this is something you can work with, with your therapist when they return? Not just with her, leaving&returning, but purposefully building in some rituals and routine into your daily life to teach object permanence? To build trust? Things that you can do in your daily life when you leave and return, things that you can do when others leave and return, to start building that foundation? So that even when it happens that people leave and do not return, it doesn't shake that core, and that the automatic assumption when people leave is that they will return, instead of the opposite?

You've already done SOME of that. As evidenced by not falling apart after every single session / convinced it's your last. You'll be back. & she'll be there. Knowing she won't be there next week? Has thrown that out the window. So much so that leaving the room, doesn't automatically mean that you'll see your cat again, when you return. Even though you will. Leave & Come Back. 2 parts of the whole. Not the beginning of the end. Not game over. Just 1:2.
 
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Leave & Come Back. 2 parts of the whole. Not the beginning of the end. Not game over. Just 1:2.
But what if "come back" doesn't happen? I like what you said very much and it is very important, but I keep coming back to "yeah but the come back piece isn't a guarantee, she might not come back". I work hard at not always returning to that (I used to do it every day with everyone/thing, so I like your example of pointing out I am already working on that.
 
Can you do a best case scenario on that?

As in, 'She won't come back and I'll be good & in a good shape /still/'? Which might give you a few ideas on what you need to at least get through it - if not be in a good shape.
 
No, I think I would completely fall apart if she didn't come back. I do have skills, it's true, but there aren't many DID/PTSD therapists. Man I can imagine that she might not come back, but I can't imagine what life would actually be like if she didn't come back.
 
But what if "come back" doesn't happen?

What Ronin said.

Most Likely = Option 1. If they leave, then they come back.
Least Likely = Option 2. If they don't come back, then I do _______.
& Fill the blank in with something useful & helpful to me.

Theres a status update on my profile sometimes that reads exactly that.
He will come back to me. & If he doesn't? I will unleash hell.

Now, that isn't how I fill in the blank for most things.
I will be sad, but I will be okay.
I will probably fall apart for a little while BUT I will ALSO learn to be okay.
I will wish them well on their adventures, and find someone new to join me on mine.
 
I can't imagine what life would actually be like if she didn't come back.
It's sounds like that's exactly what you're doing, though? Imagining the worst, and grieving the worst, before it's happened.

I do that. A lot. But I've learned that if I'm imagining my fears real? Then I need to complete the thought. Not just stay stuck in the fear. If it had actually happened, I wouldn't stay stuck in it. I would be doing things. So I need to imagine those, as well. Even better, is when I can both imagine the fear, imagine the solutions, AND place them on a list of likely-to-happen. Reality check myself. Okay. I have this fear. If it's made manifest? I have these solutions. But how likely is my fear? How likely are the other possibilities? Not just worst case & stop. Worst case. Actions. Probable case. Actions. Best case. Actions.

I tend to call this process the "And then what?" Game.

Sooo.... It works better if I'm not in a loop of despair, but it can also help pull me out of that (as I run out of synonyms and tidings of doom ;)

Worst Case : She doesn't come back!
And then what?
I'll fall apart! ...And then what?
It will be awful! ...And then what?
And miserable! ...And then what?
I'll (maybe) start to feel better. ...And then what?
I'll look for a new therapist ...And then what?
But I won't trust them! ...And then what?
I'll learn to trust them ...And then what?
I'll start working with them ...And then what?
^^^
Just keep on going down my list. Each new fear I stumble across may need it's own list (like what if I can't find a therapist, or what if, what if, what if). But I get a list going.

Best Case : She Comes Back AND I had a really good break myself!
And then what?
We're both refreshed and ready to dig in. ...And then what?
We're able to do so much more in each session ...And then what?
We're much more productive ...And then what?
Etc.

Probable Case : She Comes Back AND I struggled really hard while she was away
And then what?
We talk about that ...And then what?
We look at the pieces that went wrong and where they came from ...And then what?
We look at the pieces that went right and where those came from ...And then what?
She's really proud of me ...And then what?
I'm learning to be proud of myself ...And then what?
Etc.
 
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It's sounds like that's exactly what you're doing, though? Imagining the worst, and grieving the worst, before it's happened.
I didn't even realize that. I can't imagine it, but yet I am imagining it! I like your suggestions of how to fill in the blank if she doesn't come back. I think this will also be a case when maybe I can distract myself a fair amount to try not to think about it. Reality check is a good idea, too. Something I don't do very well when it comes to these situations, but something I do know how to do.
 
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