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Therapy break fears

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DiamondBug

Learning
So I've survived my 11th anniversary of being attacked this year it was really hard, as it normally is. I've been thinking about the attack in a lot more detail this year though, I'm not sure why. I've got therapy tomorrow which I want to have a proper in depth talk about the attack and the specific parts of the attack in particular that have been on my mind. I normally get really embarrassed and ashamed about this, but I feel actually quite proud of myself for holding everything together this time, I'm not okay at all but the last couple of weeks haven't been as unliveable as they normally are, which is good.

The only problem is I've got 1 session until we go on a break for 3 weeks, it's made me feel so angry, then I feel super selfish for being angry at him for taking a regular holiday like a normal person. I feel like it is only going to go two ways; I'm going to go to therapy and either have a complete breakdown because I'd be talking about stuff I haven't ever mentioned, all the fresh feelings will come back, with the added worry of getting no support at all as soon as I walk out the door for 3 weeks, which I don't know whether I can cope with. It almost makes me feel used when I give so much raw emotion and just have to walk out as if it's all okay and I'll survive for weeks alone.
Or I'm going to go to therapy and build huge walls around me because I'm secretly angry he leaves me every year either over my anniversary or just after, the times where I actually really need his support more than ever, he just walks away and I have to cope alone.

I think I'd feel really awful if I told him he made me angry for something as silly as going on holiday. I'm so scared about him leaving though, I just feel like if I don't get this stuff out now I'll just stuff it back down like I've been doing for years and it'll keep eating at me and really effect how I feel about myself. I'm also scared that what if I'm in the middle of something really deep and the session ends, I've been left like that before and it made me really ill.

I just don't know what the best thing to do would be; either tell him about everything and possibly make myself feel all exposed and rock bottom for weeks, or don't tell him for weeks and possibly never pluck up the courage to bring it up!?
 
First thing to do. Tell your t about your feelings. Get it all out so you don't have to keep repeating this turmoil every year. It's not selfish to have your feelings. They are understandable. They can't be addressed though unless you tell him about it.

Second thing to do. Realize that your t needs an annual vacation and be grateful that he takes one. The stress of that job can lead to burnout.This is a matter of self care for him. It allows him to come back and be your t for another year.
 
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