Arebas
Confident
I'm not sure what's the point of going to therapy anymore but I'm afraid to discuss it with my T cause if she agrees with me and tells me to just quit I will feel like such a failiure.
I've been seeing her weekly for almost 4 years now and we have worked on many things and I've made some big improvements. One of my biggest issues what maternity. I was approaching 40 when I started with her and I was struggling with the idea of never having a child. I wasn't in a good place mentally to be a mom and part of me hoped therapy would help me feel capable and go for it. But therapy actually made me realise that it had been a good choice to not do it and then I had to work on giving up that life long desire.
Then I thought maybe I could just work on solving the issues that prevented me from having a relationship. I couldn't be a mom but I could at least have a special someone. But working on that I've come to the conclusion that I should just quit on that too.
Dating is too complicated, feels like way too much work. I have a complicated sexual life too with trauma and stuff that just makes things hard for me. And talking about it with my T the other day, I told her that I was just tired of looking for someone and she said that I actually hadn't looked that much... that hurt. She explained that she was just trying to encourage me so I wouldn't feel hopeless but came out wrong. She said "You're 41, most of the guys in your dating pool are the ones no one wanted... finding a good man in there now it's like looking for the needle in the haystack. If you want to find one, it's going to be difficult and you're going to have to look for him a lot more". Which I think it's true but... is it worth it? The dating process is a nightmare for me so do I really want to keep doing it when I have no guarantee that it's going to get me anywhere?
I've decided I don't want to keep looking so now I should focus my therapy on dealing with losing that part of my life too and accept that I will most likely be on my own for what's left of it. My T thinks that I've been by myself all this time and it's not like I desperately need someone, which is true. I am very independant and I love being on my own most of the time... I just wished I could have found the right person for me. I feel defective cause I just couldn't.
So I should just continue my therapy dealing with my usual stuff and also coming to terms wih this "loss"... but I don't want to. I am tired of processing loss. Tired of dealing with all the things I didn't have, don't have and will never have just because my childhood wasn't perfect. I feel like I should just give up on it all and continue with my life without hoping for anything else.
I have a good job, a hobby I enjoy, I don't need people around and I love my pets and that's it, that's the next 30-40 years of my life. What's the point of going to therapy anymore? To get where?
Part of me says "you need therapy now to deal with losing that too cause you're just feeling hopeless" but I don't know anymore... this feels just stupid at this point.
I've been seeing her weekly for almost 4 years now and we have worked on many things and I've made some big improvements. One of my biggest issues what maternity. I was approaching 40 when I started with her and I was struggling with the idea of never having a child. I wasn't in a good place mentally to be a mom and part of me hoped therapy would help me feel capable and go for it. But therapy actually made me realise that it had been a good choice to not do it and then I had to work on giving up that life long desire.
Then I thought maybe I could just work on solving the issues that prevented me from having a relationship. I couldn't be a mom but I could at least have a special someone. But working on that I've come to the conclusion that I should just quit on that too.
Dating is too complicated, feels like way too much work. I have a complicated sexual life too with trauma and stuff that just makes things hard for me. And talking about it with my T the other day, I told her that I was just tired of looking for someone and she said that I actually hadn't looked that much... that hurt. She explained that she was just trying to encourage me so I wouldn't feel hopeless but came out wrong. She said "You're 41, most of the guys in your dating pool are the ones no one wanted... finding a good man in there now it's like looking for the needle in the haystack. If you want to find one, it's going to be difficult and you're going to have to look for him a lot more". Which I think it's true but... is it worth it? The dating process is a nightmare for me so do I really want to keep doing it when I have no guarantee that it's going to get me anywhere?
I've decided I don't want to keep looking so now I should focus my therapy on dealing with losing that part of my life too and accept that I will most likely be on my own for what's left of it. My T thinks that I've been by myself all this time and it's not like I desperately need someone, which is true. I am very independant and I love being on my own most of the time... I just wished I could have found the right person for me. I feel defective cause I just couldn't.
So I should just continue my therapy dealing with my usual stuff and also coming to terms wih this "loss"... but I don't want to. I am tired of processing loss. Tired of dealing with all the things I didn't have, don't have and will never have just because my childhood wasn't perfect. I feel like I should just give up on it all and continue with my life without hoping for anything else.
I have a good job, a hobby I enjoy, I don't need people around and I love my pets and that's it, that's the next 30-40 years of my life. What's the point of going to therapy anymore? To get where?
Part of me says "you need therapy now to deal with losing that too cause you're just feeling hopeless" but I don't know anymore... this feels just stupid at this point.