Therapy journey - dbt

[futurefocussed]

Today was better than last week.
My mind is racing with a kind of uneasy confusion and trying to sort it out, i think i am awake now though, considering I was falling asleep on the bus this morning.

We learned about the what and how skills today, nothing really new, that I naturally describe rather than observe, but I was able to be in the moment with the observe and I focus quite naturally. I think I am slightly hyper, then again I did just have coke.

The thing that is getting to me is willing vs willful and where does willful fit with manipulation.
I know I was manipulated.
I don't know if they were aware they were being manipulative.
Considering they saw it in me in the beginning, but they never stopped seeing it in me, even when it was no longer there.
It makes me think that they do recognise it.

So I just found this picture and it seems to fit what they were saying

see where i think it goes into manipulation when someone else forces their willfulness on you, that you are a way to achieve their desired outcome when you don't want to do it.

With some of the things, I wasn't willing, but in the coursework I was a good Christian girl who did everything they asked of her. I did as I was told. Sport, I loved, the coursework was challenging and I know that I needed it at the time, but when it got to holding some authority, that's when they manipulated me, because they pulled rank because they didn't want to do it and I was capable.
It makes me feel sick.

So that's what the trigger was, that's where the connections were made.

I'm tired now, next week interpersonal skills... oh great. nah it's ok.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I get the manipulation from willfulness. That happened to me. Or at the very least, I did stuff out of fear.

 

[The Albatross]

Really liked the image you shared about "Willful v.s. Willing".

 

[futurefocussed]

I went to group therapy again yesterday and we learned some skills about interpersonal effectiveness, starting to understand how to get what you want, what myths have motivated your decisions so far, and how much you believe them.

i didn't get triggered badly until the last activity, i didn't think that we would do what we did, or how scared and uncomfortable that it would make me feel, but it did and i couldnt just stand there, it kind of put me back in that unsafe headspace, if that makes any sense at all.
i freaked, i know that, i just, it was that belief that i'm worthless, that i don't deserve to have my wants and needs met, how that is a myth and emotionally i believe it. the rest i seem to be at a healthy level.

i have grown up in a family where i never felt loved, i felt like an obligation a chore, i moved into a church where it wasn't about me, it was about how much i did, and then i moved into a rehab program where who i was wasnt good enough, rather that, i had to be like them and not like me.

its ironic that my name means worthy to be loved and its the least thing that i feel.

then i get to church and i remember one of my pastors asking me, what can they do to make it easier on me and i love them, because i know what love isn't, its not what i grew up with, its what i have now, that i see that they love me and yet i struggle to accept it.

my church is challenging my core beliefs and showing me different, that i am worthy and that they do care. I'm not just a pawn to them.

so yes that is what i got out of yesterday. now to do the homework.