Therapy relationship artificial?

[OliveJewel]

I read this comment somewhere, that a therapy supervisor referred, in conversation to a junior therapist, to the therapeutic relationship as artificial. The junior therapist was processing this idea in the comment I read.

On the one hand, yes, anything done in a business fashion in the modern world is artificial, built up. The relationship could not be formed organically and it only ends when the client says it does, or from extenuating circumstances.

On the other hand, if there is no real intimacy with the therapist, if they aren’t buying into it, if the client can sense BS, then the relationship falls through, not much to work with.

So some people might say, the business aspect makes it artificial but the love is real (or something like that.)

I’m trying to explore why the phrase artificial relationship ruffles my feathers. I understand that everyone has a different perspective on the therapeutic relationship and some people don’t buy into transference or love at all, those concepts aren’t helpful for some people.

I think it’s real feelings and connections in the realm of a constructed relationship. I welcome any musings you might like to contribute. Or if you want to share your perspective which is different or same, that’s welcome. I’m especially interested in perspectives that see it as completely artificial or completely real, how are you so sure? And how does that relate to your perspective on relationships in general?

 

[Teamwork]

I would struggle with that language as well. My therapist by his nature is kind, gentle , genuine, authentic. So he brings that to the session and stays true to himself making it genuinely a therapeutic alliance. Our relationship is investing in healing work so I don’t see that as fake. I hope i made sense. We do it together which is relational because I’m not just sitting there investing nothing in the process. Mutual respect I suppose. For me there is not much that is fake in our relationship if anything at all. Some people also say therapists are paid to care, or to listen but I’d disagree there too. They are in a field that they get paid for, who they are as people is what they bring into their field.

 

[LeiaFlower]

I can understand with the money aspect how things can be seen as fake; however, every relationship has some form of currency. Something that the other person is getting in return. In everyday relationships, it would be companionship, the sense of belonging, or love. In the therapeutic "alliance" both will be improving a skill or themselves. It depends entirely on the individuals involved because honestly you can pay someone to be nice but can't pay them to be good. Niceness is transactional and self-centered, while goodness looks out for the other person. Good people is where this alliance strives.

Side note, I agree with Teamwork with the wording of alliance. I don't know why but the relationship seems so personal. With therapy, it's one-sided in regards to being open. But that's a whole other discussion.

 

[Freddyt]

I think it’s real feelings and connections in the realm of a constructed relationship

Your relationship with your T is a purposeful professional relationship. Because of what you do you need to stay professional. I would bet many patients at some point romanticize that relationship. It must be difficult for people with neglect issues where anyone that talks and pays attention to you can become more personal in the patients mind than what they are.
That's where its artificial. They create an environment where you can heal. They direct it and watch it without being part of it. It's like a sales relationship. It's a professional relationship with a purpose that is tailored specifically for that client. Making them feel happy about the transaction and attention you pay them is as much of the job as selling to them. That's what makes it artificial in some ways.

 

[Defaultxlove]

Have you ever done a great thing for some stranger? Example coming. but ignore if nonsense I'm off meds and headed to an appt to discuss medical intervention.


This is true:
I sadly got ran off the interstate

Thank God, landed in the median

A stranger came out to help. Hugged my daughter and I. Stayed with us. Gave my daughter a blanket.

It appeared to be a husband wife and some boys. Brothers or same aged friends.

Never got their name. Can't thank them anymore than I did that day.

I do remember they were on their way to a college in my state.

Do you see why I shared this?

 

[arfie]

I’m trying to explore why the phrase artificial relationship ruffles my feathers.

the phrase ruffles my own feathers down the same line as the confusion between love and sex. the two are divine travel companions, but far from the same. my business relationships (including psych pros) are as real as my intimate relationships, just as my love of plants and children is as real as my love for my sex partner.

i have no desire to correct other people's word choices, but to my senses, "detached" would be a better word for my business relationships. when used compassionately, that emotional detachment has considerable strength to bring to any relationship. even my sex partner has days where he needs me to back off and vice versa.

 

[JayG3]

I would struggle with that language as well. My therapist by his nature is kind, gentle , genuine, authentic. So he brings that to the session and stays true to himself making it genuinely a therapeutic alliance. Our relationship is investing in healing work so I don’t see that as fake. I hope i made sense. We do it together which is relational because I’m not just sitting there investing nothing in the process. Mutual respect I suppose. For me there is not much that is fake in our relationship if anything at all. Some people also say therapists are paid to care, or to listen but I’d disagree there too. They are in a field that they get paid for, who they are as people is what they bring into their field.

I definitely agree with you on all the points you made. People may feel denounce the authenticity of the therapeutic relationship under the premise that the therapists are paid to care and listen. However, I believe we are some of the best BS sensors and can tell if people genuinely care and are listening. I have had some therapists that I can tell through the tone of their voice, the look in their eyes, their body language, the questions they ask and how they word them, etc. whether they care or not. I have had great therapists and some insensitive ones. Maybe there are times that they can fake genuine care. But, for the most part, I think we can tell. It's the genuineness of their concern and desire to support that I feel helps it feel less artificial--at least the human-to-human connection.

 

[Kobuck]

I read this comment somewhere, that a therapy supervisor referred, in conversation to a junior therapist, to the therapeutic relationship as artificial. The junior therapist was processing this idea in the comment I read.

On the one hand, yes, anything done in a business fashion in the modern world is artificial, built up. The relationship could not be formed organically and it only ends when the client says it does, or from extenuating circumstances.

On the other hand, if there is no real intimacy with the therapist, if they aren’t buying into it, if the client can sense BS, then the relationship falls through, not much to work with.

So some people might say, the business aspect makes it artificial but the love is real (or something like that.)

I’m trying to explore why the phrase artificial relationship ruffles my feathers. I understand that everyone has a different perspective on the therapeutic relationship and some people don’t buy into transference or love at all, those concepts aren’t helpful for some people.

I think it’s real feelings and connections in the realm of a constructed relationship. I welcome any musings you might like to contribute. Or if you want to share your perspective which is different or same, that’s welcome. I’m especially interested in perspectives that see it as completely artificial or completely real, how are you so sure? And how does that relate to your perspective on relationships in general?

For me, I don't want to ever forget that my therapist is a paid professional trained in the art of developing and maintaining a working relationship with clients. I never let myself forget this; I follow the clinic's rules, call my therapist by her formal name (Mrs. _____), and keep my own personal boundaries (no touch, special favors or calling/emailing except for emergencies). I do this because I don't want treatment derailed. I want therapy to remain focused on the goals and objectives we agreed on. This doesn't mean that I don't like or or appreciate my therapist, but PTSD prevents me from doing the things that used to give me joy and purpose and I want my life back!

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk if this could be helpful at all, but I provide personal care so I have a somewhat different experience. I see therapy or help as a defined service or provision, where the person is not trying to get needs met that should be met elsewhere. So, though I genuinely care, and it's easier to sync with some more than others, I can sense in a heartbeat behaviours from clients that are trying to get other needs met, or simply 'use' me (convenience). There have been a very very very few wherein we have continued and formed a friendship/ relationship unrelated to work. (And many continue for years/ decades.)

As regards myself, I recall how uncomfortable, and I'm sorry to say and don't want to offend anyone AT ALL, and grossed out or maybe better said frigtened too, when people shared things with me like suicidality. Of course I was young; not a therapist; and since then little surprises me now. But I tend to see my own past or decisions or deficiencies as repulsive, and reveal them to get better (aka, `show the Dr the festering wound', be honest). I appreciate it can be tolerated or ideally worked with, but I also feel it is repulsive. But, self-compassion is difficult for me. And as having been through (I guess) neglect it makes more sense to actually say or expect nothing. It takes pushing through to say it.

Intimacy to me, is akin to ~in to me you see. But for people to be intimate together I think it has to be appropriate, safe, mutual, totally trustworthy and not to be confused with professional boundaries. I have never developed a relationship outside of work which began with boundaries being pushed or misconstrued. Even with co-workers, neighbours etc.

But I don't think a good T is 'fake'. They may have off days or a lot on their mind. (Or perhaps I assume so little of genuineness or care or trustworthiness being present that by the time I'm convinced it's really true, that even I have to trust in it?) But genuineness is easy for me to recognize, and I am genuine in my kindness and hoping others do well, wanting to make it safe and fun. I do respect and treat tenderly what they disclose to me. Over the years I've realized in many cases I'm the only person or worker they've told. I feel honored by that.

 

[Survivor3]

I don't think therapy relationships are artificial, not if you've got a good therapist. You pay someone to listen and talk and have your welfare as their priority. Helping you navigate your thoughts and feelings. Some people seem to have a problem with "paying someone" to be your friend (with professional boundaries). I don't, its the best money I've ever spent.

 

[Freddyt]

I don't think therapy relationships are artificial, not if you've got a good therapist.

My piece was more saying there still has to be a professional piece to that relationship. Artificial isn't plastic.

As a former sales manager I can tell you relate-ability is a learned skill. Putting people at ease is a learned skill. Listening is the ultimate skill that most people don't learn unless you want to be relatable. When you lean to be relatable it's not loosing you, its being you on purpose. It's making that person in front of you feel comfortable. That's the artificial bit. Modifying behaviour to put the person at ease and to be able to communicate with them.

That's not saying you still can't be "you". The genuine you is in there. It's just a presentation of you that puts that person at ease.

The T's that can slide into a relatable suit that fits our needs are the fantastic ones.

 

[Survivor3]

My piece was more saying there still has to be a professional piece to that relationship. Artificial isn't plastic.

As a former sales manager I can tell you relate-ability is a learned skill. Putting people at ease is a learned skill. Listening is the ultimate skill that most people don't learn unless you want to be relatable. When you lean to be relatable it's not loosing you, its being you on purpose. It's making that person in front of you feel comfortable. That's the artificial bit. Modifying behaviour to put the person at ease and to be able to communicate with them.

That's not saying you still can't be "you". The genuine you is in there. It's just a presentation of you that puts that person at ease.

The T's that can slide into a relatable suit that fits our needs are the fantastic ones.

I don't really relate to what your saying and your interpretation of an "artificial construct" within the therapeutic relationship. And if my counselor doesn't understand me or thinks I'm of base then he'll challenge me. Sorry I'm not going against you for the sake of argument, I just can't relate to it.

Edit: I've just re-read what you've said and I think I understand what you're getting at.