Military Think I am making my PTSD worse

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Cypress

Confident
@Freida I get what you mean that helping others may help myself. Unfortunately I have used this as a way to avoid my own sh*t. Caretaking and one-sided relationships are pretty much the way I have lived my life and in therapy I am trying to learn not to do that. I'm actually now re-thinking my decision to go into medicine. I'm wondering if it was all just an elaborate way to avoid an incredibly painful childhood and adolescence. It's a skill that pays the bills but I think when I get out of here, I am going to have to take some time off to do something else for awhile.

Professionally, of course I want to prevent suicides and other bad outcomes in my team and everyone here that I am responsible for medically. I keep an open-door policy and address coping/stress issues as they arise during the clinical encounter but the folks here know that if they endorse any SI or other psychiatric symptoms, I would be mandated to put them on the next helo out of theatre.

This does give me some ideas though. I think could probably start something positive, self-care oriented that would help me too. A stretching/yoga or an art group.

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I really value knowing the people of this forum are out there. I feel less alone.
 

Warrior Chicken

MyPTSD Pro
My brain isn't working at optimal strength lately......so forgive me but....
I keep an open-door policy and address coping/stress issues as they arise during the clinical encounter but the folks here know that if they endorse any SI or other psychiatric symptoms, I would be mandated to put them on the next helo out of theatre.
The support you really truly want to give to others is what you fear yourself.....That if someone were to catch on that you struggle, they'd call you out and you'd be ripped from the place that builds your worth and responsibility to others. It's that ability to heal others that gives purpose?

I can only try to understand from my own perspective without your words.....that for me, they would take my work from me if they knew my battles. No questions, no support, just "you're a liability". The "you" of the equation doesn't factor in their minds. It's not a matter of supporting you to build skills to be a better healer, protector, provider, whatever.......it's impulsive, miscalculated, inhuman.

Maybe it's a stretch, or I could be offside, but you know your people....I suspect you are also very familiar with the full spectrum of SI and psych symptoms from your work and own experience. Policies are shit, mandates and rules about when and how and why to put you or anyone else on a helo......are often initiated by the un-indoctrinated. You, however.....know what it looks and feels like. If I was in theatre and needed to have a breakdown to find baseline again, I'd want to come to talk to you. Because you get it. Because I don't believe you'd put me on the helo unless I was seriously in a very bad way. You'd work WITH me.....not against me.
That's what sets you apart....it's a gift and a curse.

I hope some of this made sense.
 

Ronin

MyPTSD Pro
I'm actually now re-thinking my decision to go into medicine. I'm wondering if it was all just an elaborate way to avoid an incredibly painful childhood and adolescence.

If the only reason for rethinking your career is that one doubt...
Just because the decision to take a road was made for some other reason, or maybe self serving reason, or you would have decided differently now, aint mean it was a bad decision.
That the whole road was, or is, wrong.

At some point in childhood, I decided to not mess people as much as I could because I hated the way a guy with a broken arm whined about it. Stayed with me for a while, hating on people being hurt for what they did / how weak & in the way it was. Does that mean doing anything to alleviate suffering was bad, just because the motive was? I dont think so.

And youre not even at that crossroads, mind you, doing good things for bad reasons.
You are on doing good things, for good reasons, that may also involve being good to yourself, not dealing with pain.
Is hardly something you should judge yourself harshly, for.
 
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