Think I legit lost my mind for a few days

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Kopykat

MyPTSD Pro
I’m not sure where to post this and I’m still trying to come to terms w it. Last Friday I was at a store and I saw someone I used to work with. I didn’t interact with them and I don’t think they saw me however I apparently had some sort of triggered psychotic break where I was hell bent on killing myself. The person I saw was a nice person from where I worked so I was confused. I also didn’t realize I was having this reaction until Tuesday when I met with my therapist. She had called me Monday bc I had expressed serious suicidal ideation and a hopeless goodbye but I don’t remember talking to her and I saw her Tuesday and I barely remember it except for my inner voice screaming at me to die and everyone wants me dead which is unusual bc it usually just says “you should die” not “_____wants you dead”. I told her I was going to die on Saturday (yesterday) and I refused to go to my psychiatrist appt bc I was getting paranoid. Tuesday night I was so convinced I had to die and then I hit a point where I pulled myself out of it, I’m not sure how or why. I still feel messed up. And it bothers me how much I don’t remember. I saw my therapist Thursday and she asked if I remembered certain things I said and I said no. She said ok I can’t work w you when you’re like that then bc it’s not effective. I guess it makes sense. I just don’t remember so much of it. And now I’m terrified to be triggered by anything. I still have to go to court for my lawsuits and will likely see people from my old job there. I mean what’s the plan for that? Do I just Skype in from the hospital or will they have an ambulance on standby?

I guess the whole thing freaks me out bc I feel like I got hijacked. I’ve dealt w suicidal thoughts and depression before but not to that intensity and I can always remember. How do I stop it from happening again? I guess I also thought I had better control over this so I’m feeling discouraged.
 

Friday

Moderator
She said ok I can’t work w you when you’re like that then bc it’s not effective. I guess it makes sense.
What did she propose as the alternate solution? It’s not like if option A isn’t effective, then... crickets.
I guess the whole thing freaks me out bc I feel like I got hijacked. I’ve dealt w suicidal thoughts and depression before but not to that intensity and I can always remember. How do I stop it from happening again? I guess I also thought I had better control over this so I’m feeling discouraged.
Something I remind myself fairly often is that no matter how bad things are now -or have been- they can always get worse.

One of the many things that grants me is a bit of humor over a really icky situation. (And nothing is as scary as it could be, when you can laugh at it). Meaning, for me, hitting a new low isn’t something to be discouraged over. It’s just a thing that happened. That, now that it has happened, I can plan for and work around. (Thanks, brain. :wtf: Good looking out :facepalm: One more thing. Really???) It’s much the same as the first time you had a panic attack and were clueless what to do, vs the 1,000th time, and this ain’t no worries. You’ve got this. You know what to do! Firsts are always a kick to the balls. That doesn’t mean that every time after that will be as out of control. It also doesn’t mean that it will repeat, just because it’s happened, once. Since it has happened once, and you now know you can reach this place? You’ve forewarned/forearmed is all.

Which ties into my first question - What steps has your therapist suggested the two of you take? Do you have emergency meds you can carry around 2 pills in a locket or purse or something to take in an emergency? Is there a hospital program you can get familiar with in advance so that they’re a resource you might actually employ?
 

Kopykat

MyPTSD Pro
@Friday hey, thanks for responding.

No, I don’t have emergency pills. I am seeing my psychiatrist on Monday though to see what, if anything needs to be done. I have 4 psych meds...well ones technically for blood pressure but they use it for nightmares.

I had started writing out a plan about what to do if I get to that point again where I’m not really in control. I said contact my emergency contacts, bc I know it’ll be a fight to have me go to the hospital. I was supposed to see my psych sooner but I was paranoid her and my therapist were setting me up which in hindsight probably wasn’t a bad idea but you couldn’t tell me that.

Basically my therapist said when I reach a certain level of depression or whatever this was I need another level of care that outpatient therapy can’t provide. I worked on making a plan for a preferred hospital (insurance) and stuff but I’m pretty sure that’s what she meant.

I’ve had a hard time going back to therapy since this talk (last Thur) bc I feel super ashamed. I may have been out of my gourd but I feel terrible for how I apparently acted. She said she was angry at me and that w time we could move on but I still feel so shitty.

I am afraid to be triggered again. It was a delayed response which is almost worse bc I thought I was fine.

I made a list of warning signs that I might be spiraling out of control. Apparently I have a lot of weird nuances.

I have a lot of guilt and shame w this you know, I think I’m struggling w that the most...well aside from the memory black out bonanza.
 

Friday

Moderator
Right on! :tup: Sounds like you’re doing all the right things.

Which will help with the fear, too, when you’ve got layers of safety nets in place so that IF you start hitting those levels again, they can catch you right quick.

That sense of free falling, where there’s nothing to grab onto, never expecting things to go like this is probably the worst part, IMO. It adds a layer of helplessness (and all the fun that goes along with that :wtf: ) to an already volatile situation.

Good on going after things head on, now :D That’s something to be proud of.
 
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