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Thinking About Suicide When Stressed

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When I'm really stressed out - specifically after a fight with my spouse - I find myself thinking about jumping off one of the mountains or bridges we have around here. I can't say that the idea of killing myself doesn't comfort me in some weird way. Thinking about it makes me feel calmer and more focused - unfortunately, what I'm focused on is my death and how much better things would be overall if I was dead.

I'm pretty sure I would never actually do it. The idea of real suicide seems like mass murder to me - not just killing myself, but like killing *everyone* in the world. But it does disturb me that I seem to get peace - almost a happy feeling - out of the idea.
 
Hi again Someguy,

This is the second post of yours I'm answering so please excuse! It's just that sometimes here in the forum you come across posts which are recognizable as being from places one has been in the past so you feel like you have to reply with somewhat of a view from somewhere beyond that point.

Of course one feels peace at the thought of not being here because one imagines what it would be like to have the pain gone. The disturbing part is that it would involve suicide to get there, of course so how can anyone feel 'almost happy' at the thought? I think it's ok to take note of that feeling, and accept it's validity without actually having the intention of going there. The fact that these thoughts even occur you know means some work has to done, too.

I really do think your seratonin levels are probably out of whack. It's hard enough to fight the PTSD with all your systems functioning, but if your chemicals are off it's even tougher. It just sounds like you're having some pretty intractable depression. If you are able to get to a professional, perhaps they will can address that for you medically. It's something kind to do for yourself, and you'll seriously feel more able to look at things from a more positive perspective. It's not a quick fix, but at least a starting point for you.

Take care,

Anni
 
Maybe what you need to focus on is your desire to feel relief. Death can somtimes just be what we imagine the ideal way to shut of all the caos. You have to discipline your thoughts here and find another ideal way to feel what you have imagined death feeling like.
Talk to you T about this!
O
 
I feel like that too when really stressed. To me, my stressed out life would be easier if I didn't have so many self-imposed responsibilities and problems to solve and confrontations to do. And that feeling of total freedom only comes after this crazy life. If there are two or three of us who feel this way, I think we may have the power to cause a trend.

It must be common to try to escape from PTSD through alcohol, drugs, or suicide. We reach our breaking point sooner than those who are "mentally healthy."
 
I wouldn't do it either, SRG, but sometimes I "wish I was dead" so that it would just all be over with and I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. Thinking about suicide is a way to deal with feeling rotten, but if you are feeling that way too much of the time, I think it's a good idea to talk to someone about it. Don't let the idea of feeling weird about it overshadow the reality that it is just your way of dealing with the situation and relieving pressure.

BC
 
I have always held suicide as an option....I have attempted it 8 times in my life, and several of those, the Dr's don't know why I am still alive.....Depression is the main symptom that will push me to have serious thoughts about this, but stress can do it too, just on a milder level.....When I get really stressed, I keep thinking, "Why bother, if I was dead I wouldn't be going through this shit."
 
This sounds like its a common feeling SRG. Sometimes when my bf and I hear of someone that has passed away his eyes will well up and he'll say something like lucky guy. But I guess for him each time he's felt so low he knows there's a higher ground and knowing that keeps him going.

Maybe knowing that so many sufferers share this thought will make you push through this down time.
 
Thanks for the replies everybody. Anni, I think you hit the nail on the head - I realized this morning that I do this especially when I skip my meds. I guess I need to be a lot more consistent with taking my medication.
 
It's SUCH a horrible place to go in your head, I know. Maybe the thoughts never go away all together, but I just kind of recognized my own spiral when I get whifty with the med. Your words seemed really familiar.... :)

Hope you're feeling a little better today?

Anni
 
I'm still feeling ... freaked out, which is my private term for triggery and under attack, but understanding why I'm feeling that way helps a lot.

Still, when I'm "freaking out," as it were, I have a hard time believing that everything just wouldn't be better if I was dead. But right now I'm able to see the irrationality of that feeling, even if I do actually believe it. I also understand that once I'm properly medicated, I won't feel that way.
 
The urge to commit suicide is extemely painful, I rmemeber it well. This intense urge lasts about 1/2 hour usually. It passes. Sadly many peole do not know this and believe that there is no enduring it. If they could only hang on for that 1/2 hour, they may be able to go a day at a time untiil things improve with help from a Doctor.
O
 
Yeah, I find thinking about suicide about the most calming thing. I think it's because I was so scared of being killed by someone else that I came to fear that sense of helplessness more than death itself, and the idea that I can kill myself totally takes away that feeling of being helpless and makes me feel in control. I used to take a knife with me everywhere just so I could know I could slit my throat if I needed to, and that always kept me from freaking out and getting suicidal. It totally freaked other people out that I always had to walk around with a suicide knife on me, but it worked for me.
 
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