This was originally going to be a response to "Is PTSD a Test of Character?" But, in writing it, a lot of things came up. At the end of my response I have some questions. Hopefully some of you will have answers. Thanks.
I personally can't bear to think of PTSD as a test of anything, be it character, or resilience. I can't stand the thought that it is just one more test. People always passed off the horrible things that happened to me as a test that I needed to pass...basically saying that if I was able to make it through it alive, and end up okay, that I am strong and I have passed.
The thing is I see PTSD as failure. I didn't pass the tests because although I am still here, I didn't make it through. Because of PTSD I am still back there. I am always at risk of being right back where I was at 17, tied to a bed for three days, being brutally raped and tortured by three "men".
I recently had a bad breakdown because of an assignment in Writer's Craft. We were supposed to write our essence. We could use any format, and write about any subject, so long as we could back up how it was our own essence. And all I could think of was that I am a liar and fraud because I am masquerading as a normal person, passing myself off as a happy, well rounded young woman, when in fact I am still a messed up teenager who is all alone and being hurt by anyone who gets the chance.
You see, I don't feel that I ever escaped that bed. I might as well have never been let go, because my mind never did escape. My whole life is fear, avoidance, flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, hypervigilence, social phobia and all the other things that go along with PTSD.
For me it has been seven years since my original diagnosis of PTSD. I haven't made progress, I haven't moved on, or gotten over what happened to me. I am not okay. I am certainly not building character, I can't even build my life. And I am not terribly resilient because I am not holding on all that well. I am still here, but who knows for how long, and that brings me to my first question.
Does anyone else now find that they are now their own biggest enemy? I mean do you actually put yourself at physical risk because of your inability to cope?
I personally have very little to no control when I am having a flashback or I am under severe stress and I end up doing very crazy things. One example of this would be running out of my mother in law's house in the middle of my birthday party, because I was being over-stimulated by my own feelings of anger and fear due to an arguement I'd had earlier, and because there was just too much noise and excitment. I tried to leave by just saying good-bye to everyone and that I was expected at my mom's house, but I was cornered at the door by my mother in law and her daughter. They wouldn't allow me to leave because I had had a fight with my husband and it "isn't allowed for me to just leave while I'm angry". I panicked completely because I was trapped, and I ended up running out the door hiding under a spruce tree for 3 hours with no coat or boots on, in the freezing rain. It was about -10 degrees that night. At that point I was unable to think clearly enough to have actually gone to my mothers, or to my own house...I was actually hiding from perceived danger , and wasn't able to feel the cold, or the wet, or understand the danger I was in laying under that tree in the cold.
There are many other examples, many where I actually do myself serious harm in an attempt to escape the stimuli..whatever is causing me such intense feelings that I'd rather be dead than going through them, and I just want to know if I am experiencing normal symtoms. I have almost succeeded at committing suicide several times, without actually having any conscious knowledge of what I am doing. I do it accidently.
Does anyone else expperience this type of stuff? Is is part of PTSD, or is there something else wrong with me? Am I crazy on top of the PTSD?
Please respond if you're able to make any sense of any of what I've said.
Thanks,
Luthien
I personally can't bear to think of PTSD as a test of anything, be it character, or resilience. I can't stand the thought that it is just one more test. People always passed off the horrible things that happened to me as a test that I needed to pass...basically saying that if I was able to make it through it alive, and end up okay, that I am strong and I have passed.
The thing is I see PTSD as failure. I didn't pass the tests because although I am still here, I didn't make it through. Because of PTSD I am still back there. I am always at risk of being right back where I was at 17, tied to a bed for three days, being brutally raped and tortured by three "men".
I recently had a bad breakdown because of an assignment in Writer's Craft. We were supposed to write our essence. We could use any format, and write about any subject, so long as we could back up how it was our own essence. And all I could think of was that I am a liar and fraud because I am masquerading as a normal person, passing myself off as a happy, well rounded young woman, when in fact I am still a messed up teenager who is all alone and being hurt by anyone who gets the chance.
You see, I don't feel that I ever escaped that bed. I might as well have never been let go, because my mind never did escape. My whole life is fear, avoidance, flashbacks, nightmares, panic attacks, hypervigilence, social phobia and all the other things that go along with PTSD.
For me it has been seven years since my original diagnosis of PTSD. I haven't made progress, I haven't moved on, or gotten over what happened to me. I am not okay. I am certainly not building character, I can't even build my life. And I am not terribly resilient because I am not holding on all that well. I am still here, but who knows for how long, and that brings me to my first question.
Does anyone else now find that they are now their own biggest enemy? I mean do you actually put yourself at physical risk because of your inability to cope?
I personally have very little to no control when I am having a flashback or I am under severe stress and I end up doing very crazy things. One example of this would be running out of my mother in law's house in the middle of my birthday party, because I was being over-stimulated by my own feelings of anger and fear due to an arguement I'd had earlier, and because there was just too much noise and excitment. I tried to leave by just saying good-bye to everyone and that I was expected at my mom's house, but I was cornered at the door by my mother in law and her daughter. They wouldn't allow me to leave because I had had a fight with my husband and it "isn't allowed for me to just leave while I'm angry". I panicked completely because I was trapped, and I ended up running out the door hiding under a spruce tree for 3 hours with no coat or boots on, in the freezing rain. It was about -10 degrees that night. At that point I was unable to think clearly enough to have actually gone to my mothers, or to my own house...I was actually hiding from perceived danger , and wasn't able to feel the cold, or the wet, or understand the danger I was in laying under that tree in the cold.
There are many other examples, many where I actually do myself serious harm in an attempt to escape the stimuli..whatever is causing me such intense feelings that I'd rather be dead than going through them, and I just want to know if I am experiencing normal symtoms. I have almost succeeded at committing suicide several times, without actually having any conscious knowledge of what I am doing. I do it accidently.
Does anyone else expperience this type of stuff? Is is part of PTSD, or is there something else wrong with me? Am I crazy on top of the PTSD?
Please respond if you're able to make any sense of any of what I've said.
Thanks,
Luthien
