This is isolation.

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anni

MyPTSD Pro
My hands shake as I type this, my thinking is laborious in the extreme, my heart is burning hot in the middle of my chest and I managed to get 4 hours of sleep last night after finally downing 2 Ambien and a shot of vodka. Dangerous, yes I realize that. The neurological sytem has it's hands around my head and throat and will not let go.

Having weathered the usual holiday triggers, I allowed one major and constant bull-dozer of a sociopathic person of trigger to fly under my radar. She's been doing it for years and 'my bad' for not riding the wave, so to speak. She's also unavoidable, and a long story which I won't include here save to say that I don't think any of us can deal with exposure to a true sociopath and not suffer consequences, no matter how well prepared.

In my little jewel of a house in the woods I am isolated. Not in a lonely way, but in feeling like another person is driving my body as I cook and clean and run the dog and watch the birds at the feeder. I cannot reach anyone through this dam fog and do not wish to. Beyond the burning chest and bleary eyes and shaking body I don't feel anything and also do not wish to.

And yes, at some point I'm going to resentfully but dutifully force myself out of this cocoon, I'll try to ground and meditate, distract and soothe. God I do not want to because it feels like one more DAM fight/struggle/heartache and maybe I'm not happy in this isolation but I am safe not feeling anything. Please do not think this is a rant. It's not. This is isolation, and no doubt the reason I'm posting the thread is that I know it's not something I should be tolerating in myself. Not after 20 years, I know.

If I do have a question, it would be this; how does one deal with it when one has physical symptoms which get to the point one cannot control them? Perhaps if I were feeling physically better I'd have the energy to get it together to join the rest of the world again.

Please excuse the downer. I don't mean to be so much of one, and genuinely expect better of myself after 20 years and much good treatment.

Anni
 
Oh *hugs* Anni.

I don't have any answers hun... but wanted to let you know that I've read your post and think you are so brave for coming here in the midst of your isolation. Don't be too hard on yourself hun.

Rell
 
:) Thanks Pixie,

I'm still learning the ins and outs of the new set-up and wished to say thanks for the 'verbal' smile. I must go back and re-read the correct way to use the reputation button, but if it had allowed me to I would have said that a nice, jolly, kind hug is just a completely sweet thing to have done. I have my head out of my you-know-what now, although am no doubt going to have to force myself OUT of the house today. This isolation nonsense is SO old after so many years.

Take care and thanks much! Also J and D for the kindness. :)

Anni
 
This isolation nonsense is SO old after so many years.

Honey, just remember that this is part of the disorder. It isn't a failure on your part. Not at all.

:Hug_emoticon:

(a real cyber hug!)

Rell
 
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