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This Pain Is The Only Life I Know

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A bit about me now, All around hippy, I love the earth and believe in equality for all. I am usually a bubbly person with a really big heart, who loves every colour in the rainbow... but I have a dark cloud that wont go away.

I grew up as the youngest of 4 children in a very dysfunctional house hold. My mother is very transient and bohemian, also was very neglecting. Not that she never told us she loved us but she didnt care for us. After the oldest (1982) moved out I was left to be raised by my 2 siblings who are 7 (1987) and 5 (1989) years older then me. Despite not having a proper family, there was also incest between my bother and sister that raised me. I ended up being a small part of it until my sister wasnt interested anymore, then I became the main interest. I suffered abuse from 6-12 by my brother.

My sister had a baby at 15, I was 11 at the time, but that was her way of trying to get out from under my mother. Along with moving every year, different city or different school, I was picked on by my siblings. I flinch a lot because they would hit me or come at me with stuff, also I got verbablly abused a lot. Mostly my sister, stuff like I was a mistake or mom and Dad didnt want me.

My mother's mom passed away when I was 12, and that is only hitting me now, because now is when I need her the most. I don't remember her very well and that makes it even harder to move on.

My mother didn't care what happened to us most of the time and by the time I was 13, I was the last at home and could not deal with her anymore so I put myself in foster care. I was put with a really nice english lady and her mom, who I spent 4 years with.

In the last year I have tried to help out my oldest brother, and get to know my family. He took that away because he became controlling as soon as we went from sharing my apartment to renting a house with other family members (Dad, Uncle, oldest brother, my boyfriend, and myself all in one house). My boyfriend and I ended up moving out, even thought all the bills are in MY name, and the lease is mostly me. My brother wouldnt leave despite him being the one causing the grief. Not to mention I lost a job I just got because I ended up sleeping in my car... I had no where to go after the friend I was staying with had to move and I couldnt be there with them. At that point it was my car or go back to THAT HOUSE and I would have rather died than what ever blow up awaited my return.

Not knowing my family, or not being close with them is very hard, but the fact that they are so cruel is more disheartening. I have been having panic attacks, very bad anxiety and I get angry easily. It is affecting relationships with my loved ones and my ability to get a job, or want to do anything outside of my house.

Some days are easier then others, but I just want to move on.

In my eyes, becoming a mother would change everything for me because I am no longer the broken, unwanted, last child. I have children to live for, people I can give all my love to, and take care of and protect like I never got.

I'm 19 and I worry that no one will approve, or my baby will get taken because there is family history of disfunction. Also I have GI problems, which affects my ability to conceive. Feels like one big circle.

Any advice would be very helpful. I seem to be stump crisis line's and councillors because they don't know what to tell me. I'm sick of feeling this way, my mother wont own up to her wrong doing, the brother who abused me wont talk to me about the abuse... I want help very badly, but I feel so beyond help at times that curling up and dying sounds pretty good. Thanks.
Find a good Psych. Their their to listen. You know your own truth, and the others arn't willing to own up to the abuse the inflicted you.
Search in your heart for the answers that you know are right.

IMO where your at now a baby will only add to the difficulty in your life.
I agree with Phoenix. Find a therapist if you can. First things first.

I understand the deep felt need to love and to be loved in return. I have it too. But I think you must first take care of yourself. Take care of yourself with the love you feel inside, the love you imagine giving to a baby.

I want to get a cat or dog. If I could still have a child, of course that would be who I would want most of all, but I am a bit too old to get pregnant. But before I can trust myself with getting a dog or cat, I decided to see if I could take care of plants first! If the state of me and my PTSD would allow the time and quality care.

I know that doesn't sound like much fun, but I want to make sure I have it in me to take care of a living being. Not that I don't have the heart. I do.

But it's been a tough life that I lived alone until recent years when healing began. I want to make as certain as I can that I can give someone the care and love they deserve that I didn't get.

Sending healing dreams to you tonight.

P.S. I have six plants now and they are thriving! I love them all.
Its not that I can't take care of myself, its that I don't have a reason to. My life doesn't mean enough to me to stick around for myself or for other adults. Also I am an aunt to 8 children. I take care of my sisters children from time to time, ages 2.5 and 1, and I do better then normal. They make me so happy and when I'm looking after them I don't wake up with my usual GI problems. Its like my body knows and so does my mind that they are important. The only way I have survived my past is the hope of a family of my own. Its not happening and its just making me more frustrated. I'm old enough now to do things on my own-but the life I expected is no where in reach. Its not having a source to strive from. Be it a past that should have been right in the first place, or a happy future to look forward to.
The guy who was suppose to help me with a family is going off to school and without him I'm worse, so I am feeling even more lonely as of late. I have a cat, but she is a cat... she does what she wants.
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