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Relationship This sucks. Just want to hear his voice...

Thread starter #1
Please can I just let off some steam and release some sadness?

My sufferer and I have been navigating the early stages of a relationship for eight months. He’s a paramedic so obviously for much of this time he’s been working in a super stressful environment given the crazy pandemic. He’s also an isolator.

During the harshest part of lockdown, he said that my messages were keeping him going and that he really appreciated me. We’re tentatively discussing meeting up soon for a walk or a coffee. But he hasn’t suggested any dates and I don’t want to crowd him, given his shifts and the pressure he’s under.

Last week, he messaged that he was exhausted by the last six months and that his boss was very unsupportive. We had a longish messenger chat about it, which ended with him saying that my support was very much welcomed and my messages always really lifted him. That he needed a reality check from me as he often feels he's living a nightmare. He decided to take a few days off to give everything at work some proper thought.

I left him in peace. When I checked in with him yesterday (five days later) He messaged right back (calling me his lovely as he sometimes does 😊) and asked if he could call me later as it would be great to talk. We used to talk on the phone for hours at a time but have only messaged for several months, partly because COVID has destroyed his time off and partly because of an initial isolation.

Naturally I said yes! He didn’t call. I messaged him late last night saying I was around all weekend if he still wanted to chat. He messaged right back asking if he could call today (Saturday) instead. He added that he’d really like to. Again, I said of course. So, here in the UK, it’s gone 10pm and he hasn’t called. My guess is he won’t.

I’m genuinely not cross or upset with him. I understand the stress cup. I get that by suggesting he calls (which was quite a big thing), he’s put himself under more stress. It just sucks! I so want to hear his voice. I so want to ask him about work. I just want to hear him laugh. This is so f***ing hard....

Thanks for letting me rant. No-one else understands why the hell I put myself through it. I’m not always 100% sure myself 😭
 
#4
From the sufferer side?
I'm totally isolated - barely interacting with my people right now and when I do it has to be electronic. Can't face talking because it's too draining. And I'm not even working right now.

Being in the field can be an nightmare at the best of times, but being out there now? during this mess? The stress would be overwhelming - especially the part where you have to deal with stupid people who are responsible for the spread of this thing by denying it exists.

Now add in all the "normal" crap of heart attacks and not breathing babies and all you want to do when you are away from work is hide in a corner and try to breath.

Long way to say -- his reactions sound pretty normal to me. Which sucks for those on the sidelines I know.

That he is still communicating with you at all is huge.

Has he been diagnosed with ptsd? And if so is he in therapy?

Not sure if you have been over there yet but the supporter side of the forum is an amazing place. There are a lot of people who have been doing the ptsd dance with their sufferers for years who can give you advice and are happy to let you vent away as much as you need to :)
 
Thread starter #5
@Freida Hi. Thanks so much for your insight.

Yes, he was diagnosed 10 years ago and has been a paramedic for 20 years, so I suspect he was suffering for some years before his diagnosis too. He's now in charge of a team of 30 so I completely understand the ENORMOUS pressure he's under. Especially as his immediate superior seems to be both without a soul and a heart 😠

He's had a wide range of therapy over the years, though at the moment I think he's just seeing a therapist for CBT, although I haven't spoken to him about it for a while.

I did send him a quick message before going to sleep last night just to say that if calling felt too weird and stressful, it was OK not to. And that I hoped he was doing OK and had managed to think through the work stuff. He messaged back saying he had tried to call me in the afternoon but my phone said I was unavailable (it might have, the reception is sometimes a bit odd where I live). I replied that it would be lovely to hear him if it wasn't too late. But nothing back then, or at any point today. It is what it is, but it still sucks!

But yes, thank you for pointing out that it's huge that he's messaging at all. I MUST keep reminding myself that!!

I have spent a lot of time on the supporters side (I thought I posted this thread in the supporter discussion section but if not, my apologies). This site has been my lifeline over the last eight months. Without it, I'm pretty sure I would have cracked up! So a huge thank you to all of you who give so freely of your knowledge and support. I hope you find some peace this week too x
 
#6
I'm so glad you've joined this site @Livinginhope . I love reading the supporter discussions from people who have made it work for over a decade, it gives me hope, but it's nice to hear a perspective similar to mine, since I've only been dealing with this for a little over a year, and she was only recently properly diagnosed with c-ptsd, so it changed our whole perspective on why she has the symptoms she does.
I hope you get to hear his voice soon, and I hope for myself that I get to see her in person soon. Stay strong!
 
Thread starter #8
I'm so glad you've joined this site @Livinginhope . I love reading the supporter discussions from people who have made it work for over a decade, it gives me hope, but it's nice to hear a perspective similar to mine, since I've only been dealing with this for a little over a year, and she was only recently properly diagnosed with c-ptsd, so it changed our whole perspective on why she has the symptoms she does.
I hope you get to hear his voice soon, and I hope for myself that I get to see her in person soon. Stay strong!
The stories of success give me hope too, and also lots of valuable tips! I'm pleased you're here too. It helps soooooooo much to not be alone. Have a good week in all that you do 😊

Hi @Livinginhope , it sounds like your partner is under quite alot of pressure with his job. And of course you have your own feelings and needs. Id just give the situation time until he is ready to take it further.
Thank you. Yes, I think you're right. Time is the best way forward. I'm becoming the queen of patience! It's actually a really good thing for me to learn!! Have a safe week.
 
#10
I'm so happy you got to connect with him!

I remember being in a similar place with my guy.

What a rollercoaster!

He was so wary and vulnerable and beset with responsibilities and complications. I thought we might never get past the hurdles and be together.

It took time (I'm talking years) but now we are living together, going on 6 years now. It was scary going in like that and I hadn't intended for us to move in together, when we did (after close to 5 years of seeing each other), but it was, obviously, meant to be.

In the beginning he was like " You don't want me, I'm damaged goods" but, as I'm a sufferer, myself, I just told him "I'm damaged too." and "I do want you."

Love is a powerful thing. Never underestimate the power of your love and care for him.

It seems you totally get the precept that "Love is patient, love is kind". So, just remember to apply the same compassion and kindness to yourself too, and, I believe, things will go well for you.

It's a big gamble, a big risk, to fall in love, with ANYBODY, it doesn't matter what a person's diagnosis, we are all just humans, trying to get along in a pretty crazy world, so, life is gonna be challenging, no matter what.

My guy is an amazing person, but he's been through unbelievable hell, still, he's my best friend and the kindest, most honourable, most courageous, gentle man I know.

So, I guess what I'm trying to say is, you go girl, you got this! It's a rollercoaster, but, worth it, I believe.

We'll be here any time you need some peer support.
:hug:'s @Livinginhope and I'm happy for you, that you got to talk to your beloved guy friend! :-)
 
Thread starter #11
@mumstheword THANK YOU! The advice you gave me (or rather I stole for myself from your reply to someone else!) several weeks ago was SO accurate. I've re-read it almost every day since 😊

I know this will be a scary ride. I know it will be very stop-start. I know there will be tears and laughter. But I'm SO excited that he's decided to open himself just a little bit more. I can't wait to see him again. And there's not much chance of sleep tonight!!

I'm sure i'll need heaps of advice and support from you guys here as I take this leap. I honestly think i'd have crumbled before now if it hadn't been for everyone here. You are all amazing 😊😊 THANK YOU x
 

joeylittle

Administrator
#12
Not sure if you have been over there yet but the supporter side of the forum is an amazing place.
@Freida ...this thread is on the supporter's side of the forum.

Reminder to ALL sufferers: look at where you are, before you post. If you're on the supporter's side, consider whether your perspective is relevant.

For more information: read (or re-read) this thread.
 
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