Thoughts of Being “Unclean” or “Impure”

EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
This could go into the relationship forum so if it needs to be moved I understand.

One of my core beliefs is that I am not pure, that I am tainted, trashy… This stems from my childhood sexual abuse.

Buckle up, kids, this is going to be a wild ride!

My ex has helped to throw my healing in reverse, in regards to this belief.

Background…..he was raised Catholic as his dad is Catholic. His mom is a strict Baptist. I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this one… Although, he never told me his beliefs as he followed the “never talk about religion or politics” rule. Yeah, what a moron, this applies to strangers and acquaintances, perhaps even friends, but NOT someone you consider to be a partner, as these are key areas of compatibility.

So, we had sex maybe a few weeks before officially being in a relationship. A year+ later he ridiculed me for this, for having sex outside of a relationship. Uhm, I do believe he willingly participated in this, so….. I believe he has double standards when it comes to women. We must be pure, guys can sleep around all they want. Sigh.

Last summer a guy from my distant past texted me out of the blue and offered me $200 to meet him. I already had something horrific happen to me that day, and this sent me over the edge. I texted my boyfriend about what happened as I wanted support. HUGE MISTAKE. From then on, when we’d fight, he’d make random references to “$200” or allude to me being a whore, but only use the definition of “whore” without using the word itself. I called him out on this and he said “I never called you a whore!” The mind f*ckery was unreal.

The very last thing that was the final nail in the coffin was how his mom treated me like I was a tramp. Her precious son could do no wrong. He never defended me to her. I started having meltdowns because not only did he believe I was impure, a whore, slutty, but his whole family did too. I never had sex outside the relationship and my overall number is low. But, you know, to some religious types, women must remain “pure” and anything else is unacceptable. But f*ck, I’ve been impure since childhood, so there’s that! I was such a trampy child! (Sarcasm.)

I was just done done done done done. I won’t let ANYONE treat me that way. Why is it that she was so hung up on me not being “pure” but never followed other Bible teachings like loving your neighbor, the one who is without sin casting the first stone, etc. Nice how she just used religion to treat me like shit. f*ck that old bitty. (I’m justified in saying this!!!)

My therapist said he was projecting as before he met me he’d attempted to break up his best friends marriage after he had a sexual affair with his wife. They are still together. Like, dude, you treat me like I’m a tramp but you are a bonafide attempted home wrecker?! OH PLEASE.

I confronted him about how he believes I’m not pure and he said no, that’s not how he sees me, he was just mad and wanted to hurt me. Well, CONGRATS you hurt me right out the door! (I’ll never believe this isn’t how he saw me.)

Ugh, I don’t know what exactly I’m asking here. Maybe just words of support. Things I can do to avoid internalizing this message more? Thank you.

Edit. OH WAIT THERE IS MORE!

So a month+ ago I had a genital scare of sorts as I found a lump. I thought it could be a STD so duh, I told him right away. It was a lump so it could have also been cancer. So I called my GYN and got in that day. She examined me, did a test, and I was scheduled for a follow up. So ex was tested and got his results back in 2 days. I didn’t get a call about my results so I tried to call but I was always far down the queue. I said screw this, my appointment is in less than a week, I can just wait. So what happens? He gets pissed, and says I must be diseased because I didn’t tell him my results. HELLO DUMBASS, WE WENT THROUGH DIFFERENT HEALTH SYSTEMS! Oh ffs, anything to point to me not being “pure”. It turned out to be nothing, I am fine, no sexual diseases. We weren’t having sex, he was clean, so I saw no rush in absolutely needing the results.
 
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Magnolia

New Here
Affirmations... write them down, stick them to the bathroom mirror, listen to a guided meditation every night before you sleep. Do things that reinforce what an awesome person you are. It's not a quick fix but it sure has helped me over the years.
 

Teasel

MyPTSD Pro
Why is it that she was so hung up on me not being “pure” but never followed other Bible teachings like loving your neighbor, the one who is without sin casting the first stone, etc.
Small minds like to judge.

It's really difficult to separate yourself from others our downs when you grow up with abuse / unhealthy boundaries and stuff isn't it.

Somehow getting to the stage where you really understand others treating you bad isn't because you are bad, but really is all about them is hard and I don't exactly know how you get there.

Hope you feel better soon anyhow :)
 

barefoot

Sponsor
I confronted him about how he believes I’m not pure and he said no, that’s not how he sees me, he was just mad and wanted to hurt me. Well, CONGRATS you hurt me right out the door! (I’ll never believe this isn’t how he saw me.)
I wonder if this may actually true…that he didn’t/doesn’t particularly think about you in these terms, but he knew saying things like that would push your buttons and hurt you? Because he knew it was a thing that causes you pain?

I wonder a similar thing about him returning your gifts/possessions to you (re: your Weaponised Gifts thread) He refuses to open and use the presents you’ve given him, and then dumps that stuff on you in order to hurt you. I don’t know that there’s a more complicated explanation. He does things because he knows those actions will hurt you.

I’m sorry he’s treated you this way throughout your relationship. You deserve better.
 

ninecatlives

New Here
This could go into the relationship forum so if it needs to be moved I understand.

One of my core beliefs is that I am not pure, that I am tainted, trashy… This stems from my childhood sexual abuse.

Buckle up, kids, this is going to be a wild ride!

My ex has helped to throw my healing in reverse, in regards to this belief.

Background…..he was raised Catholic as his dad is Catholic. His mom is a strict Baptist. I’m sure you can see where I’m going with this one… Although, he never told me his beliefs as he followed the “never talk about religion or politics” rule. Yeah, what a moron, this applies to strangers and acquaintances, perhaps even friends, but NOT someone you consider to be a partner, as these are key areas of compatibility.

So, we had sex maybe a few weeks before officially being in a relationship. A year+ later he ridiculed me for this, for having sex outside of a relationship. Uhm, I do believe he willingly participated in this, so….. I believe he has double standards when it comes to women. We must be pure, guys can sleep around all they want. Sigh.

Last summer a guy from my distant past texted me out of the blue and offered me $200 to meet him. I already had something horrific happen to me that day, and this sent me over the edge. I texted my boyfriend about what happened as I wanted support. HUGE MISTAKE. From then on, when we’d fight, he’d make random references to “$200” or allude to me being a whore, but only use the definition of “whore” without using the word itself. I called him out on this and he said “I never called you a whore!” The mind f*ckery was unreal.

The very last thing that was the final nail in the coffin was how his mom treated me like I was a tramp. Her precious son could do no wrong. He never defended me to her. I started having meltdowns because not only did he believe I was impure, a whore, slutty, but his whole family did too. I never had sex outside the relationship and my overall number is low. But, you know, to some religious types, women must remain “pure” and anything else is unacceptable. But f*ck, I’ve been impure since childhood, so there’s that! I was such a trampy child! (Sarcasm.)

I was just done done done done done. I won’t let ANYONE treat me that way. Why is it that she was so hung up on me not being “pure” but never followed other Bible teachings like loving your neighbor, the one who is without sin casting the first stone, etc. Nice how she just used religion to treat me like shit. f*ck that old bitty. (I’m justified in saying this!!!)

My therapist said he was projecting as before he met me he’d attempted to break up his best friends marriage after he had a sexual affair with his wife. They are still together. Like, dude, you treat me like I’m a tramp but you are a bonafide attempted home wrecker?! OH PLEASE.

I confronted him about how he believes I’m not pure and he said no, that’s not how he sees me, he was just mad and wanted to hurt me. Well, CONGRATS you hurt me right out the door! (I’ll never believe this isn’t how he saw me.)

Ugh, I don’t know what exactly I’m asking here. Maybe just words of support. Things I can do to avoid internalizing this message more? Thank you.

Edit. OH WAIT THERE IS MORE!

So a month+ ago I had a genital scare of sorts as I found a lump. I thought it could be a STD so duh, I told him right away. It was a lump so it could have also been cancer. So I called my GYN and got in that day. She examined me, did a test, and I was scheduled for a follow up. So ex was tested and got his results back in 2 days. I didn’t get a call about my results so I tried to call but I was always far down the queue. I said screw this, my appointment is in less than a week, I can just wait. So what happens? He gets pissed, and says I must be diseased because I didn’t tell him my results. HELLO DUMBASS, WE WENT THROUGH DIFFERENT HEALTH SYSTEMS! Oh ffs, anything to point to me not being “pure”. It turned out to be nothing, I am fine, no sexual diseases. We weren’t having sex, he was clean, so I saw no rush in absolutely needing the results.
It sounds like you suffered narcissistic manipulation and abuse at the hands of your boyfriend. Read some more about Narcissist abuse, talk to your T, then decide what to do.
 
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