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Thoughts of Brain

Fiadh

Confident
Thread starter #1
Suicidal thoughts have been part of my life for over a decade. They sometimes linger and I actually give them time, headspace and boy can they occupy that little space they’ve rented quickly. But thankfully for me mostly they are intrusive thoughts, popping in to remind me that, suicide is an option.

The difficult thing is, i find I keep these thoughts to myself. Not share. Because you get different reactions, mostly an awkward exchange of positive messages coming your way and the other person leaving with a feeling you are a risk.

I’m not a risk to myself, I recognise they are thoughts and give myself time to calm down. But I wonder that if I could share them, it may gives them less power I guess.

It’s been a while since I last logged onto this site. I see that as a positive. Instead of obsessing about, how I can get better quickly or the ‘right way’. I’ve had time to reflect on what I’ve learnt here. But we all have our bad days, and I hope this doesn’t last too long this time.

I don’t really think of the future. It seems too far away. I don’t even think about what I’m going to eat next or whether I would ever make plans to meet friends. I know my future seems like it doesn’t really exist. So what’s the point planning etc.

I know that one thing that helps me is writing, writing things down. Not necessarily to resolve things, but to get it out of my brain. I feel like I’m living more in the NOW than in the past. Which is good because at one point they seemed the same thing. I felt everyday I was going to die, somehow, it felt real. But now I have been able to separate it to a degree, things will always keep popping up I guess.

One day I would like to be able to confidently speak about events which happened and not feel that intense panic arise. But I don’t think that will ever happen, humans are supposed to feel. My mind feels foggy and body feels groggy. But writing definitely helps...
 
#2
If the thought that you might love for quite a while is a distressing one, the constant background SI makes perfect sense.

I know my future seems like it doesn’t really exist. So what’s the point planning etc.
Maybe the point of planning is it will help your brain understand that you do have a future?

That's potentially confronting as well. Because, you have a future, and it's full of possibilities...but you also have to make choices (like, to live, and put the SI away) about what you might want to do with the rest of your years?

Idk. I have chronic SI as well. So, just hoping to offer something to possibly mull over. Is the idea of staying alive for a while longer the scary part? Or the fact that you can make choices to achieve things (and potentially fail at some of those things) the scary part? Or is it something else?
 

Fiadh

Confident
Thread starter #3
I think suicidal thoughts are always considered ‘OMG I need help’. But I don’t, I treat them like any other intrusive thought. But planning ahead is something I’ve always had to work on, but your right @Sideways maybe need to work on future goals- tell myself there will be a tomorrow, realise that life is happening around me and I should stop and engage with that!
 
#4
I'm pretty open with my T about my SI. It fluctuates. At times it is dangerous, at other times it's more like a nasty habit.

I have a very clear safety plan with my T, and as long as I stay frank with her about how well I'm managing the thoughts? It's absolutely not an 'OMG' thing. Definitely for T's that see a lot of people with MDD, SI is often par for the course.

The first time you raise it? Will probably be the most concerning for your T. But as you establish your ability to manage it as just another one of your ptsd symptoms? It can be an incredibly helpful measure of how you're travelling - how much you're engaging in those thoughts week to week.

It isn't something you should need to manage alone. It is a big deal, but it's definitely not uncommon. And coming up with a safety plan, and a plan for your future? May actually help to put this symptom in your rear view mirror:)
 
#5
One day I would like to be able to confidently speak about events which happened and not feel that intense panic arise. But I don’t think that will ever happen, humans are supposed to feel. My mind feels foggy and body feels groggy. But writing definitely helps...
Ever is a really long time.....kinda like forever......nothing is for sure.
You working on grounding exercises? Taste, touch/feeling, seeing-vision, balance, smelling and hearing?
You changed things so you have regular exercise, and fun hobbies?
 

Fiadh

Confident
Thread starter #6
The first time you raise it? Will probably be the most concerning for your T. But as you establish your ability to manage it as just another one of your ptsd symptoms?
I don’t have a therapist anymore, so going it alone. So have to keep myself in check and think of the positives of living.

And your right @TruthSeeker ever might be achievable- reading it back makes me feel like a drama queen.

Keep writing at the moment as find I escape into a different world, I like to draw too so have been doing that. One of the hardest things for me is motivating myself to get up and do things, I really find it hard and think f*ck it i’ll go back to sleep. Problems around me are still there. I know I’m having a dip at the moment and I’ll get through, just taking a day at a time at the minute, wee steps towards getting out and about again.

It’s like being when you were a bairn, fall down, get back up. With people around you who support you. I guess isolating myself is pushing those people away, so will work on that today. Better have a shower first though, else they’ll smell me coming
 
#7
I don’t have a therapist anymore, so going it alone. So have to keep myself in check and think of the positives of living.

And your right @TruthSeeker ever might be achievable- reading it back makes me feel like a drama queen.

Keep writing at the moment as find I escape into a different world, I like to draw too so have been doing that. One of the hardest things for me is motivating myself to get up and do things, I really find it hard and think f*ck it i’ll go back to sleep. Problems around me are still there. I know I’m having a dip at the moment and I’ll get through, just taking a day at a time at the minute, wee steps towards getting out and about again.

It’s like being when you were a bairn, fall down, get back up. With people around you who support you. I guess isolating myself is pushing those people away, so will work on that today. Better have a shower first though, else they’ll smell me coming
At first, I didn't feel worth of family, friends, or even my cat's company. They were really worried about me while I laid in bed for sometimes, days-too terrified and tired to get up for more than a minute to get something to drink and pee.......They didn't have a schedule for eating, going outside- I had no clean the pan schedule, no dishwashing schedule, I could go on , and on about how I got so sucked into the fear of living in the here and now, that nothing around me mattered. I had one friend, and had gone no contact with all my family. It was safer that way. It was lonely, and the one friend I had.....I tried really hard so she wasn't my counselor.....I didn't want boundaries to blur there....so I was so alone.

I finally realized what I was doing wasn't even surviving.....it was just existing. So, I started with cooking foods I liked, and finding and doing things that gave me some kind of comfort....and purpose. I realized purpose in life was missing. You got a purpose? You do fun things to make new, happy memories? That, for me has made all the difference....along with setting a personal mental health goal....
to become a contented person. Got a mental health goal? I made the goal, and then outlined an action plan (think of it as an individual mental health plan-one that is doable around your likes and dislikes, personal needs, which includes friendships. So, this was how I started my journey....a weekly plan that included physical things, hobbies, eating healthier, and keeping my surroundings so much more organized (just that piece makes me feel so much better-pride in my living space) and now I'm decorating. I included all the things I wanted to learn (art/photography) practice-music, teach-recorder, and travel-and making holidays happier.....I don't stay home on holidays. Making and checking off the things you do each day to make your life better is empowering. We feel good when we achieve even little goals, that make us happier....and leave positive energy and memories. Positive memories are like a pat on the back. Got a plan?
 
Thread starter #8
So I went back to work a couple of weeks ago, thankfully I work with the most amazing team of people. I was really worried about going back and tripping up on something, but it hasn’t happened yet and if it does, oh well I guess. I am lucky to be surrounded by some really good friends, not lots, but quality ones- you know- turn up in my pyjamas and watch films all day if we want to kind of friends. Not that I’ve been seeing so much of them lately so need to make an effort to do that. I canny see a way of me starting to plan if I have never done it, not pre-trauma, nor now. So if I did it would be a bloody miracle. I’m going day by day at the moment, especially as I’ve restarted my work and once tha’s settled then I can build on things important to me. Life is a weird thing, trying to navigate through it is complicated and you always forget what you were hoping to achieve and set higher and higher goals- edit that to- humans are weird creatures lol.
 
Thread starter #9
If pictures could talk they would say a thousand things that my mind at the time was trying to work out, buzzing from what had happened and how to get to safety. But the picture I actually have I am smiling. Smiling?? Surrounded by chaos and devastation, someone points a camera in my face and I smiled. Surely that’s not normal, that I felt it was appropriate. I guess it was just a response, and it is a weary kind of smile, a I haven’t eaten in 72 hours kind of smile- never knew I had one of those, but apparently I do.
 
#10
This post makes so much sense to me, I can’t explain it well...but that fatigue and outward strength you describe, I get it.
Chaos and devastation, not intended to bring a smile, but there it is. Not because of what’s happened or what’s to come, but because someone ‘expects’ a smile? Yeah.....that you can? strength.
 
Thread starter #11
I spend time, a lot of time in bed. Daydreaming I guess, but I feel like I’m not living my best life, this is what I want to achieve in my next year. Time to achieve the little things, having a bath regularly I find hard. So I’m a lazy, smelly, day dreamer. Need to get out of my head and into the world, the problem is, I don’t like this world. I hate this world, people are horrible. Not alll people, but when when it comes to survival, that last moment, people revert to their either their worst or their best. I like to think I turned to my best, but seeing those I thought I knew so well, turn to their worst. Was horrible. I can’t describe how I can no longer fully trust again. A lesson hard learned.
 
Thread starter #12
And as the suicidal thoughts ramp up, I too have to step up my part in managing myself. So started therapy again, I don’t see it like a step back, but forward, because I’m not going to let these thoughts turn into any kind of action. It’s a safety net I suppose. An ongoing shitty place to be. And of course here, somewhere to remind myself of how to keep getting better, I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again.
 
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