Tired of feeling like this

I don't know what this is. I'm just... high and exhausted and no one listens or cares anymore.
I feel like I've been suicidal for so long that no one would even blink if I actually did it.

I can't talk about any of this. Not anymore. T tries to help but I feel like I'm past helping at this point. The few people that aren't sick of me talking to them can't help. I don't really feel like anyone cares at this point. I've been threatening to kill myself for so long that when I finally do it It'll probably be a relief for the ones that had to listen to me talk about it anymore. I don't know what to do with this feeling. I'm just burdening everyone around me. I'm not close to anyone anymore.

Maybe my girlfriend but I'm just burdening her so much and she doesn't even realize it. I've stopped going to class and to work. I don't talk to anyone anymore. And I know the only way I can finally commit to it and get it over with is if I just stop talking about how shit I feel. Then one day I'll just hit the breaking point but it hurts. It sucks pulling away but it's the only thing I can do anymore. I just... I make everyone's life worse. I find good people and I just ruin their lives. I make myself hate them so I can have a reason to stop talking to them.

I just want to be done. I get the smallest period of happiness just to remember what I feel like under it all. I just wish I was dead all the time. I want to be f*cking dead because every year that passes my life just gets f*cking worse. I can't even say it. No one lets me talk anymore. I can't say it to anyone who understands either. I feel like everything I have to say has to get censored and hidden away and f*cking filtered or blocked. I just... I'm so angry and tired and done. I want someone to care and understand. I just I want to be able to be done I want to rest I don't want to fight anymore I just want to be done so f*cking bad

I hate it. Being alive. I hate that every moment I'm alive I'm just collecting more and more trauma. Every passing year just seems to add more aches and pains and brokenness.

I'm sure this will be deleted. Even though I need to say it so bad. I want to be heard so f*cking bad. No one hears me anymore. I just... I want to stop the hurt.
 

Survivor3

MyPTSD Pro
I hear you. Life can be really tough sometimes. I replied to your other thread but you didn't reply. I understand how bad depression can be because I have it aswell. That feeling of more and more shit everyday just adding weight to it all.

You look happy in your photo with your dog. I'm glad that you have a therapist I hope they help and that you feel better soon. Best wishes to you.
 

enough

MyPTSD Pro
there isn't a single one of us that won't be missed by someone, at some level by everyone. We all deserve to be here. It is a struggle and one damn hard puzzle to piece together but it has been done by others and you are no less capable than any of them.
I just wish I was dead all the time.
Stop doing that! wishing for that has NEVER been a good thing for anyone. If the dead have wishes, I would guarantee that their wish was to be alive again, thats got to be true. I am alive and all i want is to be more alive, sounds like you would like that too. Hard work, not fun all the time, but it has to beat that other alterna tive, it has to. No way the other option is better, stop thinking of it as an option and look for others, it's been done and you can do it too.
I'm up tonight because I have nightmares. Sounds like you do too, whether you have to sleep first to have them doesn't really matter does it? Brain strains. i am diverting from my nightmare by going on line and ended up here, may do a little research and possibly some paperwork before I go back to bed. Got something you can do to divert? Nothing wrong with avoidance with our disorder, find a way to let the nightmares leave and do it again, over and over. Hopefully a healthy way but anything , ANYTHING, is healthier than that wish you are diverting away from.
ou look happy in your photo with your dog. I'm glad that you have a therapist I hope they help and that you feel better soon. Best wishes to you
from me too.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
I'm so angry and tired and done.
I hear you. You sound utterly exhausted. I know that feeling too.
to remember what I feel like under it all. I
Yes. Someone beneath the anger and exhaustion. What do they want?

Sorry you’re in the grinder. I want you to know that many of us here have faced that place many times. And sometimes we call the crisis hotline. It can be clunky connecting, sure, and there’s no perfect person waiting to talk, yeah. But often it’s helpful enough to gain some desperately needed perspective. For the most part the crisis professionals on the other end are eager to demonstrate care and compassion, from what I’ve experienced.

Isolation is a challenging symptom. Reaching out can feel like asking for more abuse. But it’s not when it’s to the right people. I encourage you to keep returning to what helps you.
 

Rosebud

Not Active
Hi @Theasylumsystem , I didn't press like because I liked how you feel, but I can relate to much.

I am finding it hard to speak, hope it will be of some support nonetheless.

It is worse at times, and our focus. Can you sleep? Long term the only way out I think partly is the chance for agency, to be able to make our own decisions.

Your gf does care. I don't think everyone has that, I do not. Two days ago I woke up to being told to go kill myself. I had not complained. But I agree with @enough , it has to come off the options list. Many people who have tried and suceeded it appears have regretted it, such as drownings (the people's arms indicate they tried to push out of the water). It sounds gruesome but it is a detail that helped me, when past googling means.

I hope you will keep posting because many here understand and hear you. And your candor and input also helps them.

Sounds off the wall but will say it anyway, at some times when there is nothing and no one to live for, I think of offering the suffering I feel to the Universe to help those in great need, eg the people in Ukraine. Doesn't give meaning to my suffering, but who knows, maybe somehow can be used for something greater beyond my understanding. It's a stand taken to refuse to choose despair over good or life or darkness.

Hang in there and disregard if not useful. We will try to surround and hold you up here, even if in our own grief or sorrow, we willl not leave your side.

Hugs to you. 🫂
 

Friday

Moderator
How much of this is related to retiring your service dog?

I ask, because in no small part, there is a short list of things that I absolutely know will kick my ideation into high gear (li8e being sick/injured), and a somewhat longer list of things that I’m always either a) surprised by, or b) know but don’t expect things to be this bad (stress cup stuff, mostly).

Knowing something is coming, or knowing the reason, or even being able to parse why (oh! Right. That. Damnit.) doesn’t make things any easier; but often provides context, if not solutions.
 
Last edited:

Friday

Moderator
I'm sure this will be deleted.
Mod Message

Pfft. Suicidal ideation with PTSD happens.

Being able to talk about it? Is important. It’s part of learning, living, & dealing with PTSD & trauma… for a whole helluva lot of us, if not most.

That’s a very different thing from being in crisis, and needing real life resources; neither of which this site is equipped to handle. We’re peer support. People who’ve been there / done that,
; or are there, and doing that.

Suicidal posting breaks site rules per the Community Constitution . Suicidal ideation? Is a wildly different thing. Any Q’s about the difference? Hit us up over at Contact Us. It’s something we deal with -as staff- on a fairly regular basis, because this is PTSD. And both suicidal ideation & suicidal intent? Happen.
 
Mod Message

Pfft. Suicidal ideation with PTSD happens.

Being able to talk about it? Is important. It’s part of learning, living, & dealing with PTSD & trauma… for a whole helluva lot of us, if not most.

That’s a very different thing from being in crisis, and needing real life resources; neither of which this site is equipped to handle. We’re peer support. People who’ve been there / done that,
; or are there, and doing that.

Suicidal posting breaks site rules per the Community Constitution . Suicidal ideation? Is a wildly different thing. Any Q’s about the difference? Hit us up over at Contact Us. It’s something we deal with -as staff- on a fairly regular basis, because this is PTSD. And both suicidal ideation & suicidal intent? Happen.
Oh! i didn't mean by yall I just meant by me like I would get overwhelmed and delete it lol thank you for understanding I'm sorry if it seems like a crisis thing it was more of a rant
 
How much of this is related to retiring your service dog?

I ask, because in no small part, there is a short list of things that I absolutely know will kick my ideation into high gear (li8e being sick/injured), and a somewhat longer list of things that I’m always either a) surprised by, or b) know but don’t expect things to be this bad (stress cup stuff, mostly).

Knowing something is coming, or knowing the reason, or even being able to parse why (oh! Right. That. Damnit.) doesn’t make things any easier; but often provides context, if not solutions.
I'm sure a lot of it. I've been trying to maintain positivity but there's been so much going on that I just get so overwhelmed. I relied on my service dog so much, so when he started having reactivity issues and showed signs that he hated working I knew it was time for him to become a pet. I'm lucky enough that I have a service dog in training but it will be several months before I am confident in his abilities to be out in public and be working with me. I'm not comfortable with going into public right now and it makes me feel like shit. It makes me wonder if I've even made any progress at all. I just... between everything needed from me at work and school, new flashbacks, and the grieving of my service dog's retirement. Its just been all too much lately

Sitting here with you in your pain @Theasylumsystem

It hurts and it sucks and it’s not fair. I hope you can find a way to ride through this low period and find some level of peace or calm soon.
Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for understanding. It means more than you could possibly know.

Hi @Theasylumsystem , I didn't press like because I liked how you feel, but I can relate to much.

I am finding it hard to speak, hope it will be of some support nonetheless.

It is worse at times, and our focus. Can you sleep? Long term the only way out I think partly is the chance for agency, to be able to make our own decisions.

Your gf does care. I don't think everyone has that, I do not. Two days ago I woke up to being told to go kill myself. I had not complained. But I agree with @enough , it has to come off the options list. Many people who have tried and suceeded it appears have regretted it, such as drownings (the people's arms indicate they tried to push out of the water). It sounds gruesome but it is a detail that helped me, when past googling means.

I hope you will keep posting because many here understand and hear you. And your candor and input also helps them.

Sounds off the wall but will say it anyway, at some times when there is nothing and no one to live for, I think of offering the suffering I feel to the Universe to help those in great need, eg the people in Ukraine. Doesn't give meaning to my suffering, but who knows, maybe somehow can be used for something greater beyond my understanding. It's a stand taken to refuse to choose despair over good or life or darkness.

Hang in there and disregard if not useful. We will try to surround and hold you up here, even if in our own grief or sorrow, we willl not leave your side.

Hugs to you. 🫂
Thank you so much for your kind words. I know that my not sleeping has probably only worsened the problem. I'm lucky for the support I do have and I'm sorry for your suffering as well. Thank you for saying this it really helped me.

I hear you. You sound utterly exhausted. I know that feeling too.

Yes. Someone beneath the anger and exhaustion. What do they want?

Sorry you’re in the grinder. I want you to know that many of us here have faced that place many times. And sometimes we call the crisis hotline. It can be clunky connecting, sure, and there’s no perfect person waiting to talk, yeah. But often it’s helpful enough to gain some desperately needed perspective. For the most part the crisis professionals on the other end are eager to demonstrate care and compassion, from what I’ve experienced.

Isolation is a challenging symptom. Reaching out can feel like asking for more abuse. But it’s not when it’s to the right people. I encourage you to keep returning to what helps you.
Thank you. It means so much to have people that hear me. I appreciate your advice. I've always felt odd about calling crisis lines but if I return to this state of exhaustion I will. Having support like this forum means a lot. Thank you again.

Do you take medication? Can you talk to a doctor aswell? I'm sorry your feeling like this. Keep posting.
I do take meds I just haven't really felt the effects of them recently with everything going on in my life I have an appointment with my psych soon though so hopefully I will be able to have some med management. Thank you for replying I appreciate you
 
Top