vixlookingfortrix
New Here
Hey, so not new to ptsd diagnosed at 17. Born into physical and verbal, could call it emotional or mental... abuse. Father was diagnosed delusional, mother undiagnosed, sister bipolar. Family refused therapy, was suggested to emancipate myself but did not want to leave my sister.
Never became violent but always mediated tension between mom and sister who both could start it at any point. For example, dinner time when asked if i wanted some rice and said no, violence ensues. I have come a long way there is no more violence in the family but the past is unspoken. Recently confronted my mother who denied it. Gaslighting and excuses is a circle i will no longer run in.
I guess this is a very complex situation i cannot really explain. No matter how i shape it, PTSD and GAD will always be a part of me. I have trouble accepting it because normally PTSD is not supposed to be long term. I work really hard, have a psychiatrist, studied psychology to understand my parents and try to change my story. I have more control over my anxiety. less full blown panic attacks and symptoms but unless i completely cut my family out of my life the triggers will be there.
Even then a life of abuse i thought id escaped ran me right into an abusive relationship. Highschool i was too preoccupied with my family to have friends outside of sports. Always folding to intimidation ran me into rape.
So many times i thought i had escaped abuse and found myself in it again has made it very hard to believe I am safe. I am quite successful despite my past but the constant concern, random triggers and paranoia make having another relationship hard and lead to me being unable to set boundaries at work. Always aiming to please, always saying sorry, always analyzing and anticipating potential threats and finding negative meaning where it isnt. I guess its just very hard to go through life now believing i am safe.
Having learned the reasons behind my parents' mistakes and the overall development of abusive patterns or malicious intent, having learned how we develop the habits/behaviours and thought processes allows me to see that just because someone does something wrong it does not mean its my fault and learning that ppl make mistakes that can hurt u without meaning to is common, well it makes it very hard to trust ppl and very hard to feel ok. Makes it very hard to not question every word and action i make, to question my sanity constantly and to feel a need to justify myself and constantly find ways to be smarter and better. I just do not know how to feel normal or like i could be understood or find a way to seem normal.
I know this is long and i could go on forever. I guess i just want to figure out how i am supposed to not worry about ppls intentions and actions as well as my own when i know that not everyone goes through the process of thinking about how their actions affect others before performing them and even when they do they may not be able to understand the level of impact.
If you know what ppl are capable of even when they are good ppl and still cause too much harm, how can you trust people enough to feel like you are in a safe space?
How do you forget or let go or put things aside when you know it is happening around the world?
I just want to protect ppl and myself without ruining a person day or causing stress. I am pretty good at it have helped many through my job and in my personal life but I cannot ever just worry about myself and when i do it feels wrong, it feels like im not paying attention and need to watch my back before something happens.
This is a rant and I am sorry if it causes stress to anyone, I am just not sure how i am suppose to be ok when I know ppl are suffering and being abused and i know that it can be stopped. when i know that there is a lot of good out there but that that doesnt mean there is not bad. When i know that there is always a chance i will be abused again. I will stop this here, you do not need to worry about me doing anything harmful, i just want to grow and get past this barrier.
Never became violent but always mediated tension between mom and sister who both could start it at any point. For example, dinner time when asked if i wanted some rice and said no, violence ensues. I have come a long way there is no more violence in the family but the past is unspoken. Recently confronted my mother who denied it. Gaslighting and excuses is a circle i will no longer run in.
I guess this is a very complex situation i cannot really explain. No matter how i shape it, PTSD and GAD will always be a part of me. I have trouble accepting it because normally PTSD is not supposed to be long term. I work really hard, have a psychiatrist, studied psychology to understand my parents and try to change my story. I have more control over my anxiety. less full blown panic attacks and symptoms but unless i completely cut my family out of my life the triggers will be there.
Even then a life of abuse i thought id escaped ran me right into an abusive relationship. Highschool i was too preoccupied with my family to have friends outside of sports. Always folding to intimidation ran me into rape.
So many times i thought i had escaped abuse and found myself in it again has made it very hard to believe I am safe. I am quite successful despite my past but the constant concern, random triggers and paranoia make having another relationship hard and lead to me being unable to set boundaries at work. Always aiming to please, always saying sorry, always analyzing and anticipating potential threats and finding negative meaning where it isnt. I guess its just very hard to go through life now believing i am safe.
Having learned the reasons behind my parents' mistakes and the overall development of abusive patterns or malicious intent, having learned how we develop the habits/behaviours and thought processes allows me to see that just because someone does something wrong it does not mean its my fault and learning that ppl make mistakes that can hurt u without meaning to is common, well it makes it very hard to trust ppl and very hard to feel ok. Makes it very hard to not question every word and action i make, to question my sanity constantly and to feel a need to justify myself and constantly find ways to be smarter and better. I just do not know how to feel normal or like i could be understood or find a way to seem normal.
I know this is long and i could go on forever. I guess i just want to figure out how i am supposed to not worry about ppls intentions and actions as well as my own when i know that not everyone goes through the process of thinking about how their actions affect others before performing them and even when they do they may not be able to understand the level of impact.
If you know what ppl are capable of even when they are good ppl and still cause too much harm, how can you trust people enough to feel like you are in a safe space?
How do you forget or let go or put things aside when you know it is happening around the world?
I just want to protect ppl and myself without ruining a person day or causing stress. I am pretty good at it have helped many through my job and in my personal life but I cannot ever just worry about myself and when i do it feels wrong, it feels like im not paying attention and need to watch my back before something happens.
This is a rant and I am sorry if it causes stress to anyone, I am just not sure how i am suppose to be ok when I know ppl are suffering and being abused and i know that it can be stopped. when i know that there is a lot of good out there but that that doesnt mean there is not bad. When i know that there is always a chance i will be abused again. I will stop this here, you do not need to worry about me doing anything harmful, i just want to grow and get past this barrier.
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