To Feel Safe Again - Discovered (former) church friend has a history of sex crimes & kidnapping

[carrieann71272]

I have CPTSD. I've managed it on my own most of my life with sprinkles of a "good" therapist inbetween here and there. I have a good one now - just don't have an appt till Monday and need to reach out.

My husband befriended a man from a church group a year and a half ago. He was honest that he'd had some run-in with the law and in prison for some time, but had been out for 10+yrs and his life was "on track". This person's mental ability to me seemed to be about 15yrs old. He is slower than most, but seemed innocent enough and my kids really enjoyed when he came around. He is on disability for both mental/physical disabilities. This past summer we offered to even help him get a new cell phone and we paid to help him get new dentures.

A month ago, he came to our home and it had been some time. He shared with my husband he was (and had been for over a year) "uncomfortable" that my barely 14yr daughter wore shorts in our home when he's over. My husband, who'd had NO trauma and believes anyone/anything came to me and told me what was discussed asking me to talk to our daughter about not wearing shorts when he's over so he doesn't feel uncomfortable. I lost it! I litterally jumped out of bed and chewed my husband a new one for the very idea that we need to alter our home for the sake of someone else and their comfort. I lit in to him telling him that in no way ever should a grown man be uncomfortable when a child wears clothing. Now, would you mention it if it was a protection issue for the child (public) - yes. However, this was about him and his comfort not my daughter's safety. After 2 days of arguing with my husband something clicked and he started to agree with what I said. I also drew a line and said the man was never allowed back in our home again or around our children. My husband agreed with the boundary, and made it known to this man.

One catch - he still pays in cash monthly his cell phone bill.
It was agreed that he would text my husband when he was wanting to come by and drop off the money. My husband would identify if he could/or not and then he was to bring the money and put it under our front mat and leave. Yesterday, this man called my husband at 630AM. My husband did not answer as he was asleep. My video doorbell went off and the man had come to my house and left something under our mat. I alerted my husband and he retrieved it. He left a book with the money in it and a paged marked with an old appointment card for a doctor visit. I read alound the page the card was in and it was talking about tieing someone up, you have to sleep sometime and that the wolves were watching. My husband called and inquired why the book and the man said that it was all he had to put the money in and leave it.

I decided to put my paranoia skills to work and started researching this guys background - I needed to know what he was really arrested for and went to prison for. I found, theft, burglary, and aggravated sexual battery. All I'd ever known was the theft/burglary. I shared all of it with my husband.
My husband went into self pity/anger mode about not "seeing this" in the first place. How could he???? He thinks in general everyone in the world has a "good heart and good intentions".

We went to the police department last night to see if we could file an information report. Just tell someone about what has transpired so IF something happens it's on record we were concerned. The police would not do anything because he didn't break the law. I didn't want them to do anything to this man - I am well aware he has not broken a law. However, I am gravely concerned about the safety of my family and need to report it so that IF something happens, there is record that this man in building up to something.

Today, I did more research and found this man was also arrested for kidnapping! I shared again with my husband. He's still in self pity/anger mode and isolating in his office over it claiming I need to give him a day to be mad.

I DO NOT HAVE A DAY TO BE ANY SELF-PITY EMOTION! My children need to be safe, I need to be safe. I am literally about to loose my mind. I can not think straight, I am enraged and I get more angry at the emotion because I do not have time for this emotion. I need to be planning with my husband additional security measures that need to be in place immediatly to ensure our safety.

Yet - here I am typing to you while he sulks in his office.

Suggestion? Please help! I don't want to go off on my husband and make him feel bad. I know he has the right to be mad - but as a survivor of multiple trauma's I know time is of the essence and something needs to be done so I can calm the panic and find a way to feel safe again. My throat is literally closing up and it is difficult to breathe I am so scared!

Thank you for making it this far - and if you can't comment - just pray.

 

[Defaultxlove]

Oh wow. This is a lot. Absolutely praying. And here for you.

 

[carrieann71272]

Oh wow. This is a lot. Absolutely praying. And here for you.

Thank you.

 

[Rose White]

I am gravely concerned about the safety of my family and need to report it so that IF something happens,

You tried to report already: you have to accept that you can’t report until something happens. The good thing is that you know exactly where to go IF something happens. Since you have CPTSD I am assuming you have been triggered into flashbacks of things that already occurred for you—but you didn’t mention that so maybe I am wrong.

claiming I need to give him a day to be mad.

It’s okay for him to communicate his need for this boundary. Even though you researched the man’s history; that doesn’t mean that he is currently doing those things to your daughter.

I am glad you got more information. I am glad you made a boundary for your home and your family. I am glad you communicated everything to your partner. To me it sounds like you are doing all the right things. To me it sounds like the part you are struggling with is dealing with your own triggers during this understandably uncomfortable time. I personally don’t think your daughter is in any current danger from this man. I also think it’s okay for your partner to take time to figure out his own needs and perspective.

Sending gentle support and comfort to you as you figure out what you need to feel settled during this difficult situation.

 

[Sideways]

@carrieann71272 - please log in to your account to post

Remind yourself that you're safe now. This guy doesn't sound like he's trying to scare you, or be threatening. He gave you the heads up that something was making him uncomfortable. And...he had a book with fiction in it...

He's respected your new boundaries, and continued to repay the money despite not being allowed in the house. You are safe. Don't let PTSD convince you otherwise.

 

[Friday]

Suggestion? Please help!

Honor his request for a day to manage his own emotions?

Maybe even join him -metaphorically- on the emotional monitoring and regulation front?


Because this…

I am literally about to loose my mind. I can not think straight, I am enraged and I get more angry at the emotion because I do not have time for this emotion.

…keeps no one safe.

You’ve already done everything practical on the authority front.

The only bit left is deciding how far to take personal security (Sell the house and move? GPS trackers & panic buttons beyond phones? Body guards? A short vacation? Restraining/No Contact orders? Lights & motion detectors? New locks? Nada? Etc.)

And those decisions aren’t best made by anyone unable to think straight.

So my vote is to take a page from your husband’s book; get yourself calm/cool/collected, grounded/centered, thinking clearly …and then… make decisions about how the two of you move forward.

 

[DharmaGirl]

What I heard was that the man admitted to trouble with the law, and said he was on the right track for 10 years. He admitted that your daughter wearing shorts made him uncomfortable which is a sign that he is regulating his behavior. He went to prison, paid his debt to society and your family befriended him. It is your choice whether you want him around your family or not but I don't see any reason to bring out the big guns. If he were after your daughter, would he have clued you in by asking for her to not wear shorts? What else has he done in the time you've known him to make you think he is after your family?

I ask this because one of my former neighbor's son was caught sexually abusing his younger brother. I went nuts! I started with thinking how it would ruin my toddler's life and worked my way all the way to his adulthood when I realized I was reacting to what happened to me, and nothing had happened to him. I was able to calm myself and talk to my son and deal with the issue in a calm way.

something needs to be done so I can calm the panic and find a way to feel safe again. My throat is literally closing up and it is difficult to breathe I am so scared!

The something that needs to be done is regulating yourself so you can better see the situation. No one can do that but you.

 

[carrieann71272]

I really appreciate all your responses, support, suggestions, ideas. Yes, I was triggered (I hate that word) and flashing back to so many times I have not been safe and could not protect my own self much less anyone else. THANK GOD I had a therapy appointment on Monday! However, my husband did step up and take the lead in trying to find solutions for us, which was HUGE for him and me both - I'm normally the "fixer" and he just "goes with the flow". It actually brought us closer and helped me feel "safer" to know he would step in front of things so I didn't have to be "elevated" always. I do know very well, my CPTSD is mine to own! I am working hard and really trying to change things in this through therapy, a few books and workbooks. I have a best friend I can also confide in who helps re-direct me when I'm having irrational thoughts of fear & safety.
I wanted to let some know that commented he had not respected many boundaries with our family and we continued to work with him. So when he broke the boundaries again Friday morning and I went into researcher mode, I had ligit reason. Plus, the history he told us was about theft not SA which is what was so alarming. When this was discovered both my husband and I went back over the last years and things that were "odd" or didn't "feel right" or "seemed off" started being huge red flags with the knowledge this person withheld from us. Never will I ever allow someone with SA history around children -regardless of their age, how long ago the crime was. That is what sent me over the edge.
I just wanted to extend an appreciation again for your support and words of sight with my post. I do not trust easily, and would prefer to not out of instincts with my struggles. What I do know is the only way to keep working on things and moving forward is community and trust at a certain level. While my "freak out" moment wasn't healthy - it did get me to finally reach out on this site and seek community. So I am thankful for that. We now have a security system for our home, the kids have been spoken too about safety and while my senses are still on alert - they are more at the cautious level vs. the panic level.

 

[kasumigenx]

I have CPTSD. I've managed it on my own most of my life with sprinkles of a "good" therapist inbetween here and there. I have a good one now - just don't have an appt till Monday and need to reach out.

My husband befriended a man from a church group a year and a half ago. He was honest that he'd had some run-in with the law and in prison for some time, but had been out for 10+yrs and his life was "on track". This person's mental ability to me seemed to be about 15yrs old. He is slower than most, but seemed innocent enough and my kids really enjoyed when he came around. He is on disability for both mental/physical disabilities. This past summer we offered to even help him get a new cell phone and we paid to help him get new dentures.

A month ago, he came to our home and it had been some time. He shared with my husband he was (and had been for over a year) "uncomfortable" that my barely 14yr daughter wore shorts in our home when he's over. My husband, who'd had NO trauma and believes anyone/anything came to me and told me what was discussed asking me to talk to our daughter about not wearing shorts when he's over so he doesn't feel uncomfortable. I lost it! I litterally jumped out of bed and chewed my husband a new one for the very idea that we need to alter our home for the sake of someone else and their comfort. I lit in to him telling him that in no way ever should a grown man be uncomfortable when a child wears clothing. Now, would you mention it if it was a protection issue for the child (public) - yes. However, this was about him and his comfort not my daughter's safety. After 2 days of arguing with my husband something clicked and he started to agree with what I said. I also drew a line and said the man was never allowed back in our home again or around our children. My husband agreed with the boundary, and made it known to this man.

One catch - he still pays in cash monthly his cell phone bill.
It was agreed that he would text my husband when he was wanting to come by and drop off the money. My husband would identify if he could/or not and then he was to bring the money and put it under our front mat and leave. Yesterday, this man called my husband at 630AM. My husband did not answer as he was asleep. My video doorbell went off and the man had come to my house and left something under our mat. I alerted my husband and he retrieved it. He left a book with the money in it and a paged marked with an old appointment card for a doctor visit. I read alound the page the card was in and it was talking about tieing someone up, you have to sleep sometime and that the wolves were watching. My husband called and inquired why the book and the man said that it was all he had to put the money in and leave it.

I decided to put my paranoia skills to work and started researching this guys background - I needed to know what he was really arrested for and went to prison for. I found, theft, burglary, and aggravated sexual battery. All I'd ever known was the theft/burglary. I shared all of it with my husband.
My husband went into self pity/anger mode about not "seeing this" in the first place. How could he???? He thinks in general everyone in the world has a "good heart and good intentions".

We went to the police department last night to see if we could file an information report. Just tell someone about what has transpired so IF something happens it's on record we were concerned. The police would not do anything because he didn't break the law. I didn't want them to do anything to this man - I am well aware he has not broken a law. However, I am gravely concerned about the safety of my family and need to report it so that IF something happens, there is record that this man in building up to something.

Today, I did more research and found this man was also arrested for kidnapping! I shared again with my husband. He's still in self pity/anger mode and isolating in his office over it claiming I need to give him a day to be mad.

I DO NOT HAVE A DAY TO BE ANY SELF-PITY EMOTION! My children need to be safe, I need to be safe. I am literally about to loose my mind. I can not think straight, I am enraged and I get more angry at the emotion because I do not have time for this emotion. I need to be planning with my husband additional security measures that need to be in place immediatly to ensure our safety.

Yet - here I am typing to you while he sulks in his office.

Suggestion? Please help! I don't want to go off on my husband and make him feel bad. I know he has the right to be mad - but as a survivor of multiple trauma's I know time is of the essence and something needs to be done so I can calm the panic and find a way to feel safe again. My throat is literally closing up and it is difficult to breathe I am so scared!

Thank you for making it this far - and if you can't comment - just pray.

I lost the trust in people and learning to trust again is hard.

 

[MnM]

Have you asked the police about a protection order? Or what his post-conviction conditions are? Do you have a notebook in which to record everything that happens concerning this person? Get one. Date. Time. Appearance. What happened. Tone of voice. Clothing. Agitation levels. How he got there, direction from which he came, direction in which he left, everything. One notebook. Then once a week or once a month, scan the notes and send them into the police contact you have (you have contact info right?) and what they do or don't do is on them.

I'm so sorry. I'd be putting my war pants on too.

 

[carrieann71272]

Thank you for the info! We do have a journal we are keeping along with "items" that have been dropped off. (Time/dates/etc) We did go to the police to ask for assistance and were told they wouldn't even file an information/concern report because nothing illegal had been done. They made it clear they could not do anything until he did something illegal. They explained that we had to clearly state/tell (we did via text) he is no longer allowed on our property. This now allows us to call cops should he show up. However, they explained they would typically just warn him the 1st time vs. doing anything. On the 2nd "infraction" they would then escort him off the property and if there was a 3rd an arrest could be made. Because he's been out of prison for approximately 10 years he isn't on "parole" any longer so no violations are occurring either. The actually said, "Until a crime is committed we can not do anything." So basically I need to become a victim to get help. Been there - done that! So in addition to what we've done above, we just got installed a nice security system with camera's and window alarms...I am definetly feeling safer - especially for my children!! Thank you for reaching out and sharing!!

 

[MnM]

They made it clear they could not do anything until he did something illegal. They explained that we had to clearly state/tell (we did via text) he is no longer allowed on our property. This now allows us to call cops should he show up.

Yes. Once you clearly state in writing or record verbally that he is not to step on your property, his presence on your property is illegal. I would recommend you recording video if/when he shows up (on top of your cameras). The more you report what you have, infraction or not, the squeakier your wheel and the more likely they will take preventive measures.