To Not Exist.

LeiaFlower

Learning
A friend I'm dependent on, life is improving. She just found out she's pregnant so she plans on moving out and getting married. I know my emotional dependence on her is unhealthy, so the suicidality came up again. Thinking about her leaving feels like a weight that lessens and increases depending on the day. My sister is going to move out as well and my other sibling barely is around anymore. Soon I'll be alone again. I relate my depression to a terminal illness. When someone has a physical illness that will lead to a life of suffering they are given the empathy to have doctor-assisted suicide or Do Not Resuscitate. I don't see how this is any different. Depression isn't curable. I want them to be happy, but I also want to be happy myself. I feel like I'll be happy if I didn't exist. I'm not saying this because I don't have a support system. I love and appreciate them, and I don't want to hurt them by leaving. It just hurts to exist in a place where I don't belong. I don't see a future like everyone else. Where I'm married with kids, pursuing my dream job or passion, or dedicating life to spirituality. I tried the latter, individually and combined. After a while of trying I go back to feeling empty. As for the first one, relationships scare me and make me uncomfortable. I have never been attracted to anyone enough to pursue anything. I at first was going to force it so I can continue with my life, but that's what others want, not myself. Not existing is the only thing that will make me genuinely happy.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
Not existing is the only thing that will make me genuinely happy.
Unfortunately that’s a fantasy. Understandable! But logically impossible.

I think perhaps changing your statement to, “Not existing *with this stress and depression* will make me genuinely happy.”

The word cure is a funny one. There’s a tendency to think that means absence of. But for many many many diseases and disorders the symptoms are not cured but managed.

Managing your symptoms in a way that works for you? *Will* bring you relief. But unfortunately (rather annoyingly at times!) only you can find that path.

Not existing doesn’t make you anything. You have to be alive to feel happy. Not existing is just that—gone.
 

LeiaFlower

Learning
Unfortunately that’s a fantasy. Understandable! But logically impossible.

I think perhaps changing your statement to, “Not existing *with this stress and depression* will make me genuinely happy.”

The word cure is a funny one. There’s a tendency to think that means absence of. But for many many many diseases and disorders the symptoms are not cured but managed.

Managing your symptoms in a way that works for you? *Will* bring you relief. But unfortunately (rather annoyingly at times!) only you can find that path.

Not existing doesn’t make you anything. You have to be alive to feel happy. Not existing is just that—gone.
Can elaborate on your first sentence I think I'm misunderstanding.

I know that in the future things will be more manageable and what I'm feeling right now will pass when things improve. However, it's a war between thinking I actually deserve to be happy in that sense and simply giving up. It's impatient and childish, or whatever berates come to mind from re-enactments of my parents and siblings. Though that's the thing. I'm used to feeling numb which is why being gone doesn't seem scary to me. It feels like something that has to happen.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
Can elaborate on your first sentence
I will try. Your belief that not existing is the only thing that would genuinely make you happy is a fantasy because you can’t feel anything after you’re gone. Your fantasy is totally understandable—I have SI as well which is why I recognize your thought distortion. I’ve said as much on here and a helpful person pointed out that there is no feeling after you’re gone. I found that helpful and so passed it on to you.
 

LeiaFlower

Learning
I will try. Your belief that not existing is the only thing that would genuinely make you happy is a fantasy because you can’t feel anything after you’re gone. Your fantasy is totally understandable—I have SI as well which is why I recognize your thought distortion. I’ve said as much on here and a helpful person pointed out that there is no feeling after you’re gone. I found that helpful and so passed it on to you.
I'm not trying to be dense, I'm still sort of confused. Personally, that's the point. There is no feeling after you're gone. There's no reliving trauma, emptiness, depression, intrusive thoughts, or even suicidality. You just cease to exist.

Just as there will be good moments and major accomplishments you at first have to get worse before you get better. Personally, I don't want to go through either. I no longer want to suffer nor do I think I even deserve to feel better for thinking this way. It's a double-edge sword.
 
Last edited by a moderator:

whiteraven

MyPTSD Pro
Depression isn't curable.
Well, many depressions are manageable. And I know folks who have had depression and don't anymore. I get what you're saying, though.
I feel like I'll be happy if I didn't exist.
Others have talked about this, and I want to say something, too. You feel happy NOW thinking about not existing, but once you're gone, you won't feel or know anything.

I think it's a matter of semantics here. I know and understand your thinking here, because I have it a lot. But I actually have a lot of anxiety sometimes (not always) when I think about not existing.
 
Hi @LeiaFlower , what a pretty name! It sounds delicate and soft.

I hope I can just say a bit of a different perspective to consider, but it comes from relating intimately in many ways to how you are feeling (I've thought the exact same words myself) so that's why I'll take a chance and say it. If it isn't helpful of course disregard.

Here we have medically assisted death, soon likely for mental illness also under certain criteria. So also many people with various mental illnesses (especially depression) agree enough to advocate for their inclusion. But of course a symptom of depression itself is hopelessness. And a symptom of ptsd is not being able to envision a future, or rather to envision a fore-shortened one (which changes perspective, and desires and choices, greatly). As well as avoidance, and by consequence often isolation.

There are a few things, some from my own experience, that have made me pause, even though often I feel like there is a mountain in front of me I can no longer climb or face, and no do-over for my life. But here's some of what I've come to learn:

-We actually don't know how it will be when we die. No one does. There may be nothing- or there may be something. We simply do not know.
-When it comes to people who have chosen medically assisted death in I believe Oregon, they give people the drugs to take home and self-administer. For whatever reasons, the majority (I can't quote it but I think it was around 70%) actually opted not to.
- (This is kind of gruesome, but helped me), when they have found people who have died by suicide drowning, their arms are pressed down, (so the coroners said) as they presumably changed their mind at some point and it comes naturally to assume that posture to try to push out of the water. (I know you are not speaking of suicide).
- Fwiw, a DNAR Order is to not attempt resuscitation. The thing people don't really logically think though, is you're dead. That is, barring an accident, if it follows an illness there is, in effect, no state to resuscitate to. But to reach the point of that stage is often far more prolonged than most people think.
-My own experiences with depression, actually make me wonder where it overlaps with anxiety? And as David Burns says, these are the nicest, sweetest people. They don't want to hurt others or their feelings. They often have their own needs take a backseat. But if you fear the loss of support, and then feel hopeless and depressed for example, is it anxiety or depression?
- I came to see much of what 'appeared' one way, was not at all. For people's lives; what they thought their desires would bring; the reality behind most professions. Very few things or relationships do I regret not pursuing. Definitely applies to say, don't judge other people's outsides by your insides. (The more in fact I've come to learn, it is shocking. Many many people are living lives of quiet desperation, or conversely raging bitterness, resentment and regret. Many will, right now, be envying the'lack of stress' and 'freedom', you have, in their mind- trust me on that one.)

Why have I said these, well only because they gave 'me' pause. But feeling this way is of course as I know you know a product of stress overwhelming coping mechanisms. I'm not sure if you are feeling your friend will now abandon you- pregnant and somewhat hurried decision to marry now may mean she needs your presence and support more than ever. You mentioned re-enactments in your FOO/ with your siblings, perhaps a bit of space will allow you to explore for the first time perhaps in your life what you actually might enjoy? (This is not the same as when you were alone before, you are not the same age or person). Sometimes our fear of what is coming is very different from what actually occurs. (False.Evidence.Appearing.Real.) I understand how you don't want a contrived life based on what others do or are expected to- that is actually knowing yourself better. However, it does not mean you won't change your mind (a woman's prerogative 🙂) as you change which is inevitable regardless of who's around., or how many marriages/ divorces unfortunately they often go through, illnesses etc.

The thing is, no one can be you. No one can replace you either.

I know it seems the only way sometimes is to give up. But (I) wrestle with what Dostoevsky said, "The mystery of human existence lays not just in staying alive, but in finding something to live for". I think about that a lot. I used to think the 'finding' was a passive thing, but now I realize part is probably not.

I hope you will find a passion you didn't think was possible. And I hope you will be as kind to yourself as you sound like you are to others, especially when you are feeling alone and that this is not worth getting through. Tell those who do love or care for you what you are feeling. You may be very surprised at what they will say. (Yes it will take courage but no, you won't be bringing them down. You will be revealing yourself, and maybe it's high time you did so for you).

Hugs to you.
 
Last edited:
ETA, l should have said,
I used to think the 'finding' was a passive thing, but now I realize part is probably not.
By that I meant I don't mean you need to seek it, so much as to make a commitment to notice and accept it. And as you said, you are feeling you don't even deserve it- that you can work on. You most definitely do.

Best wishes to you. I am sorry for the pain you are going through now. It can feel very empty.
 

LeiaFlower

Learning
Here we have medically assisted death, soon likely for mental illness also under certain criteria. So also many people with various mental illnesses (especially depression) agree enough to advocate for their inclusion. But of course a symptom of depression itself is hopelessness. And a symptom of ptsd is not being able to envision a future, or rather to envision a fore-shortened one (which changes perspective, and desires and choices, greatly). As well as avoidance, and by consequence often isolation.

-We actually don't know how it will be when we die. No one does. There may be nothing- or there may be something. We simply do not know.
-When it comes to people who have chosen medically assisted death in I believe Oregon, they give people the drugs to take home and self-administer. For whatever reasons, the majority (I can't quote it but I think it was around 70%) actually opted not to.
-My own experiences with depression, actually make me wonder where it overlaps with anxiety? And as David Burns says, these are the nicest, sweetest people. They don't want to hurt others or their feelings. They often have their own needs take a backseat. But if you fear the loss of support, and then feel hopeless and depressed for example, is it anxiety or depression?
- I came to see much of what 'appeared' one way, was not at all. For people's lives; what they thought their desires would bring; the reality behind most professions. Very few things or relationships do I regret not pursuing. Definitely applies to say, don't judge other people's outsides by your insides. (The more in fact I've come to learn, it is shocking. Many many people are living lives of quiet desperation, or conversely raging bitterness, resentment and regret. Many will, right now, be envying the'lack of stress' and 'freedom', you have, in their mind- trust me on that one.)

Why have I said these, well only because they gave 'me' pause. But feeling this way is of course as I know you know a product of stress overwhelming coping mechanisms. I'm not sure if you are feeling your friend will now abandon you- pregnant and somewhat hurried decision to marry now may mean she needs your presence and support more than ever. You mentioned re-enactments in your FOO/ with your siblings, perhaps a bit of space will allow you to explore for the first time perhaps in your life what you actually might enjoy? (This is not the same as when you were alone before, you are not the same age or person). Sometimes our fear of what is coming is very different from what actually occurs. (False.Evidence.Appearing.Real.) I understand how you don't want a contrived life based on what others do or are expected to- that is actually knowing yourself better. However, it does not mean you won't change your mind (a woman's prerogative 🙂) as you change which is inevitable regardless of who's around., or how many marriages/ divorces unfortunately they often go through, illnesses etc.

The thing is, no one can be you. No one can replace you either.

I know it seems the only way sometimes is to give up. But (I) wrestle with what Dostoevsky said, "The mystery of human existence lays not just in staying alive, but in finding something to live for". I think about that a lot. I used to think the 'finding' was a passive thing, but now I realize part is probably not.

I hope you will find a passion you didn't think was possible. And I hope you will be as kind to yourself as you sound like you are to others, especially when you are feeling alone and that this is not worth getting through. Tell those who do love or care for you what you are feeling. You may be very surprised at what they will say. (Yes it will take courage but no, you won't be bringing them down. You will be revealing yourself, and maybe it's high time you did so for you).

Hugs to you.
Thank you for your post. Sometimes I wonder if I suffer from mania and how my emotions can take me high and low with minor inconveniences. Though as you mentioned, I'm trying to have more empathy for myself. Losing someone to me feels like I'm left to fend for myself in an abusive environment. However, that isn't the case anymore. I just have to spread out my support system so that when others want to expand in their own life I won't feel alone. The false evidence distortions are something I deal with constantly and it's something I want to work on. I do want to get better I think the first hurdle is conquering the shame of thinking I don't deserve to be happy. Thank you again :)
 
Top