A friend I'm dependent on, life is improving. She just found out she's pregnant so she plans on moving out and getting married. I know my emotional dependence on her is unhealthy, so the suicidality came up again. Thinking about her leaving feels like a weight that lessens and increases depending on the day. My sister is going to move out as well and my other sibling barely is around anymore. Soon I'll be alone again. I relate my depression to a terminal illness. When someone has a physical illness that will lead to a life of suffering they are given the empathy to have doctor-assisted suicide or Do Not Resuscitate. I don't see how this is any different. Depression isn't curable. I want them to be happy, but I also want to be happy myself. I feel like I'll be happy if I didn't exist. I'm not saying this because I don't have a support system. I love and appreciate them, and I don't want to hurt them by leaving. It just hurts to exist in a place where I don't belong. I don't see a future like everyone else. Where I'm married with kids, pursuing my dream job or passion, or dedicating life to spirituality. I tried the latter, individually and combined. After a while of trying I go back to feeling empty. As for the first one, relationships scare me and make me uncomfortable. I have never been attracted to anyone enough to pursue anything. I at first was going to force it so I can continue with my life, but that's what others want, not myself. Not existing is the only thing that will make me genuinely happy.