To see T or not to - after months

Warrior Chicken

MyPTSD Pro
I am having trouble running a decision and am hoping to gather perspectives from others if so inclined to comment.

Background:
My T has been away for several months due to illness. I had established if dropping a care package at some point is appropriate and was given approval to do so by T. (Our boundaries are solid, but I do struggle with parts of me wanting T’s support too much). This week I tried to deliver a package 3 times during office hours but the main door was locked (no receptionist). T has said to drop it off tomorrow, and will be there

Before T went off ill, we had started to work on a difficult part of my childhood. It took quite a bit for me to manage and clean it up on my own, but I have.

I am not ready to see T, but do want to drop off the package. Also do not want to be childish about interacting with T....would like to know how they are fairing.....

To protect the pieces of me that are afraid to open wounds that took substantial effort to shut....again (even just seeing T could be a problem) or, face it and behave like a well adjusted adult - minus any indication of emotion lol

thanks!
 

bellbird

Sponsor
Could you ask T by email how they are feeling, and arrange to have them wait to collect the parcel from the door once you have left?

That way you don't need to interact with them in person, but are still able to gauge how they are and drop off the care package to them.
 

Warrior Chicken

MyPTSD Pro
I’m embarrassed that I actually posted this question on the forum. Sheesh. Absolute minor issue to be dealt with myself.

Regardless, thanks for your suggestion @bellbird it’s essentially what I did, contactless delivery ;) Didn’t send an email to inquire how T is, as it’s none of my business anyhow. They know I do care about them with the package and that’s the intent. Setting my mind at ease that they are doing ok is not necessary, I am a client. To want that kind of information is inappropriate on my part.
 

Freida

Sponsor
Absolute minor issue to be dealt with myself.
Its not a minor issue hun.

I asked the same question myself when it comes to asking my ts about their health. But if you keep it cordial and professional it's ok (according to them). So a simple - "how are you feeling" is ok. It's up to them to decide how in depth they want to answer.

A bigger question?
(even just seeing T could be a problem)
why?
 

Warrior Chicken

MyPTSD Pro
Took some time to think about this. Why seeing T could be a problem....

Before T had health issues requiring a sudden indeterminate absence from work, I had decided to finally disclose small details about my childhood. I have been cleaning up the mess since, largely alone, except for some support from the myptsd community.

Just as I learned to do as a child, I cleaned up and have carried on. Reaffirming to me not to rely on others for anything and not to trust them with difficult issues that are mine to sort. But a part of me desires a connectedness like I had started to see with T. That non-judgmental acceptance from another human.

The best option from where I sit is to avoid connecting or being vulnerable in any way. That causes too many problems. I don’t know how/when/why to ask for help despite reading and listening to others who grasp the concept.

I accept that I need help sometimes, and it’s my responsibility to learn how. But currently, it doesn’t seem worthwhile. Or perhaps, I’m not worthwhile. Not sure.
And I’m absolutely not looking for attention or pity or anything similar. I don’t feel sorry for myself, and never want anyone else to either! 😉

So yeah, seeing T could be a problem because I built my walls back up and I don’t want to be back where I was after T had to take leave.
 

Warrior Chicken

MyPTSD Pro
It would be just as difficult or more difficult because now I know what happens when I do open up.

I have disclosed some other misadventures from my adult and professional life, and was able to manage those waves fairly well. But have a sense I’ll drown with the stuff from my earlier life.
 

Freida

Sponsor
Just as I learned to do as a child, I cleaned up and have carried on. Reaffirming to me not to rely on others for anything and not to trust them with difficult issues that are mine to sort. But a part of me desires a connectedness like I had started to see with T. That non-judgmental acceptance from another human.
I get stuck in this loop too. I'm going along - decide to stick one toe in the water and try this trust crap and BAM! Fall on my face.

Lesson learned. Never trust again. Got it.

but
(you knew there would be a but!)

both my ts have been out off and on for the last year with medical issues, just like yours.
They didn't bail on me because they didn't like me, they were tired of me, they were frustrated because I cant get my shit together.

They bailed because they had severe health issues.

Their reasons for being gone had nothing to do with me.
huh. That was an eyeopener

So it was suggested to me that I think about why....
  • I believe that I am the only thing in their life that is being upended by their crisis .
  • I immediately assume they are abandoning me because I suck
  • I think of them so negatively that I jump straight to them being the kind of crappy people I've always been around --- even when they have NEVER given me a reason to think they are abusive assholes.
  • It's so hard for me to see the difference between people dumping me to sink or swim on my own and someone who is trying to help me getting sidelined by a health issue.

When I did that? Ya - have to admit I was a bit ashamed of myself. Because it showed me that not only am I totally untrusting (not a big surprise) but I believe they are untrustworthy.

I think of them just like I think of the abusers in my life
And that's not fair.

So - I had to go back and stick that toe in the water again, if for no other reason than to teach myself that its MY way of thinking that is mucking this up. Not their behavior.

Its ugly and messy and painful to try to trust again.
It's up to us to be able to separate the reasons why we can't
Because like it or not, we can't do this on our own. 💜 🫂
 
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