SeekingAfrica
Sponsor
I froze, or dissociated, call it whatever you want.
As you know (maybe) I've been working hard to be functional productive adult and this year it all seemed to finally click and go my way.
For 2 weeks however, I hit a little roadblock/slump/episode, whatever you call it, but I was depressed and anxious and having panic attacks again.
I started to snap out of that, but today was a whole other level.
I had the whole day normally planned out.
I had to meet someone in the morning, and it turned out I had made a someone administrative mistake/f**k up. Unknown whether it is of consequence in practical manner. Then I got yelled at and given a speech for it. Yelling seems to still be trigger for me.
And here we are 5-6h later.
Literally.
When I'm anxious or depressed, I can guilt trip myself, make myself do certain tasks because I have to- or feel bad if I don't manage.
This is different. Getting home was a haze. Eating lunch was a haze I vaguely remember. It seems like 10min ago I sat to eat on the couch, to give myself a moment.
And then it's all a blur. Watching random stuff on the computer and such, but I just shut down the part of my brain that knows I need to do things. Thank god I had prior to this already freed my weekend for just work. But MAN. It's like someone has hit me on the head. Time just washed around me in waves and I just.... existed. At the start there were some waves of panicky memories while I was on the bus, and had to sit and close my eyes. But after that... just haze. Time just passed. I didn't sleep, I didn't do anything, but it wasn't like procrastination either. All my muscles are in knots and everything hurts. I am so fatigue getting up like I haven't eaten in days. It just all HIT me. Wasn't upset, wasn't fighting how I felt, wasn't feeling... kinda figured it would be like usual, when I take an hour or 2, then snap out of it and continue my day. But this was like everything hard that I've pushed against this year (and in the past) came at me and I just... I just didn't want to be here. Not in a hurt myself kind of way, just couldn't.
I got myself safely home somehow, and than it all just continued to be haze, just without random memories popping.
Just I got home and I got food and it was before noon and now it's evening.
And to be honest I still don't have energy- to feel bad, to try to be productive or try to... anything.
I just exist.
And I plan to work all weekend. And that's all I know.
TODAY just, happened... It like... HIT me. No fighting it, no arguing with myself, no pushing, no sleep either. It was just a certain hour, I got triggered and then it became now. I just ...needed to share, feels a bit shocking since I haven't had such reaction in a while (I can't remember when).
As you know (maybe) I've been working hard to be functional productive adult and this year it all seemed to finally click and go my way.
For 2 weeks however, I hit a little roadblock/slump/episode, whatever you call it, but I was depressed and anxious and having panic attacks again.
I started to snap out of that, but today was a whole other level.
I had the whole day normally planned out.
I had to meet someone in the morning, and it turned out I had made a someone administrative mistake/f**k up. Unknown whether it is of consequence in practical manner. Then I got yelled at and given a speech for it. Yelling seems to still be trigger for me.
And here we are 5-6h later.
Literally.
When I'm anxious or depressed, I can guilt trip myself, make myself do certain tasks because I have to- or feel bad if I don't manage.
This is different. Getting home was a haze. Eating lunch was a haze I vaguely remember. It seems like 10min ago I sat to eat on the couch, to give myself a moment.
And then it's all a blur. Watching random stuff on the computer and such, but I just shut down the part of my brain that knows I need to do things. Thank god I had prior to this already freed my weekend for just work. But MAN. It's like someone has hit me on the head. Time just washed around me in waves and I just.... existed. At the start there were some waves of panicky memories while I was on the bus, and had to sit and close my eyes. But after that... just haze. Time just passed. I didn't sleep, I didn't do anything, but it wasn't like procrastination either. All my muscles are in knots and everything hurts. I am so fatigue getting up like I haven't eaten in days. It just all HIT me. Wasn't upset, wasn't fighting how I felt, wasn't feeling... kinda figured it would be like usual, when I take an hour or 2, then snap out of it and continue my day. But this was like everything hard that I've pushed against this year (and in the past) came at me and I just... I just didn't want to be here. Not in a hurt myself kind of way, just couldn't.
I got myself safely home somehow, and than it all just continued to be haze, just without random memories popping.
Just I got home and I got food and it was before noon and now it's evening.
And to be honest I still don't have energy- to feel bad, to try to be productive or try to... anything.
I just exist.
And I plan to work all weekend. And that's all I know.
TODAY just, happened... It like... HIT me. No fighting it, no arguing with myself, no pushing, no sleep either. It was just a certain hour, I got triggered and then it became now. I just ...needed to share, feels a bit shocking since I haven't had such reaction in a while (I can't remember when).