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Today I just... couldn't

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I froze, or dissociated, call it whatever you want.

As you know (maybe) I've been working hard to be functional productive adult and this year it all seemed to finally click and go my way.
For 2 weeks however, I hit a little roadblock/slump/episode, whatever you call it, but I was depressed and anxious and having panic attacks again.
I started to snap out of that, but today was a whole other level.

I had the whole day normally planned out.
I had to meet someone in the morning, and it turned out I had made a someone administrative mistake/f**k up. Unknown whether it is of consequence in practical manner. Then I got yelled at and given a speech for it. Yelling seems to still be trigger for me.

And here we are 5-6h later.

When I'm anxious or depressed, I can guilt trip myself, make myself do certain tasks because I have to- or feel bad if I don't manage.
This is different. Getting home was a haze. Eating lunch was a haze I vaguely remember. It seems like 10min ago I sat to eat on the couch, to give myself a moment.
And then it's all a blur. Watching random stuff on the computer and such, but I just shut down the part of my brain that knows I need to do things. Thank god I had prior to this already freed my weekend for just work. But MAN. It's like someone has hit me on the head. Time just washed around me in waves and I just.... existed. At the start there were some waves of panicky memories while I was on the bus, and had to sit and close my eyes. But after that... just haze. Time just passed. I didn't sleep, I didn't do anything, but it wasn't like procrastination either. All my muscles are in knots and everything hurts. I am so fatigue getting up like I haven't eaten in days. It just all HIT me. Wasn't upset, wasn't fighting how I felt, wasn't feeling... kinda figured it would be like usual, when I take an hour or 2, then snap out of it and continue my day. But this was like everything hard that I've pushed against this year (and in the past) came at me and I just... I just didn't want to be here. Not in a hurt myself kind of way, just couldn't.

I got myself safely home somehow, and than it all just continued to be haze, just without random memories popping.
Just I got home and I got food and it was before noon and now it's evening.
And to be honest I still don't have energy- to feel bad, to try to be productive or try to... anything.
I just exist.
And I plan to work all weekend. And that's all I know.

TODAY just, happened... It like... HIT me. No fighting it, no arguing with myself, no pushing, no sleep either. It was just a certain hour, I got triggered and then it became now. I just ...needed to share, feels a bit shocking since I haven't had such reaction in a while (I can't remember when).
Then I got yelled at

Deeply concerning for a place of employment, especially if this is administrative/office type stuff. I'm very sorry they treated you that way. Adults should not be yelling at each other over simple mistakes. (Nor indeed much at all.) It's just venting aggression && it is entirely unprofessional.
Ah, I'm sorry.
How are you feeling now?
Are there ways to remind you you are safe now. Ground yourself in the safety of your home.

We all make mistakes. Everyone of us. Even the person who yelled at you.
Yelling is highly unprofessional. I don't know if the culture of your workplace enables plain talking, but I wonder if, when you're ready, if you feel able to address the person's yelling?

In the meantime, it's good to unpick how that impacted you. I'm working on how I lost my voice in a situation recently and got triggered and resorted to my usually fawning to try and make it all safe. But got derailed. Working on how I can remain present and say what I need to in those situations. It's so hard to do that and so easy to be frightened back into the past.

Hope this passes for you soon. As it will pass.
Deeply concerning for a place of employment, especially if this is administrative/office type stuff. I'm very sorry they treated you that way. Adults should not be yelling at each other over simple mistakes. (Nor indeed much at all.) It's just venting aggression && it is entirely unprofessional.
OOOH! Since I was upset and a bit out of it, I probably formulated it wrong. It wasn't at my place of employment, I currently work full hours but from home. It was at meeting with my landlord. I'm a foreigner and sublet, and people came to do the citizens count (census?). Since I am registered at the address in the police and I explained to the person at the door that I'm foreigner/subletting/temporary I thought it was okay to answer the questions and they told me to answer anyway, if I live there. So I thought it was okay.

Meanwhile my very kind landlord that is usually supercool and we have coffee together, totally lost it. Like why did I feel I can answer questions about her apartment instead of calling her. And I think there might be an issue, as in since she own the place she might not be registered where she lives now but where I live now, which if she wasn't counted may or may not be trouble. So it's either super serious and scary, or not that bad, but she took it that way. And I didn't think about that.

So I got yelled at for answering questions about her apartment and she insists she always told me to call her for such things and not say that I live there, but, I literally have no memory of her saying that. And I'm usually the person that remembers everything, I have a sublettin g contract and everything. And she was crazy mad how dare I speak on behalf of her apartment... I never said I didn't make a mistake, I even apologized...
Just regular reaction to mistake is, feeling bad, and then figuring out whether you can fix it or let it go.
THIS was a reaction from hell. I had a lot of work to do when I got home, not to mention getting the house in order after my slump... but ALL that just had to be pushed to another day.
How are you feeling now?
Good question. I don't know. Not dissociating anymore(though I still don't want to think of that particular issue), but... I guess drained. I'm basically watching cuddled on the couch since I snapped out of it. And nothing with a huge story, no meaningful movies, nothing where I have to follow a plot. Just random youtube. Also funny moments from favorite shows I've rewatched (safe and familiar). I'm too drained to journal, or move, or do anything of substance, I just need sleep and to not think for a while. I'm burned out in the way that can happen over months, except in a day.
Yelling is highly unprofessional.
As explained up it was my landlord, but for my mind that isn't any better.
And yeah, I do have a history of yelling triggering me, though I think that was the strongest reaction I've had in a while. Currently I can't really dive into that, maybe in some days. Really felt like journaling, but I have no strength when I get up, even when I make tea and stuff, so it's a no-go. It feels like when you're sick.
Honestly there were old people on the bus on the way back, and I was feeling so bad that I was literally sitting there with my eyes closed and not being able to give up my seat.

I just feel messy and drained and disappointed for making such a stupid mistake AND losing a day on top of it.
I just want to not be me, just for a moment. I think I'll just take my sleep meds and get as much rest as I can so I can work full work hours at home tomorrow.
I really struggle to see how this is your mistake! If she is doing something unlawful, that's on her and not for you to protect. You thought you were doing the right thing.
Her shouting at you: she needs to apologise , not you.

Sorry that happened.

I hope you can stop feeling bad about it. As it's not your problem to solve. It's hers.
You have a contract to love there and are registered to live there. So makes total sense you would answer the census thing.

These triggered feelings will pass. If you are exhausted and need to rest: it's ok. It's super annoying being triggered like that and it stopping you from doing what you want. But also: it does pass. It will be ok again.
And I think there might be an issue, as in since she own the place she might not be registered where she lives now but where I live now, which if she wasn't counted may or may not be trouble. So it's either super serious and scary, or not that bad

Either way that is not on you. She didn't provide you with enough information to make an informed decision && yelling at you about it after the fact is doubly abusive. Her property, her crime, her responsibility. Not yours. I'm so sorry you have to shoulder all of this, it's a terrible burden that honestly does not belong to you at all. Hope you have been able to find some peace since.
gentle empathy on the frustration, etc.
a gentle inventory of the event helps me move forward in a more constructive matter. a review of the progress i have made in managing such episodes helps me feel more confident that i will be able to handle the next and the next in progressively elegant style. a few positives i noted in your telling here is
*you survived
*your self-awareness of the event is nothing shy of awesome.
*you had the presence of mind to carry the challenge into your therapy network by making this post.
*you are not wish washing. your calm acceptance of the event is as awesome as your self-awareness.
*you are honestly processing the emotions attached instead of repressing.

i don't like to minimize the pain, but it is worth the effort to accentuate the positive.
continued support while you sort.
@Movingforward10 and @Weemie Thank you! I think I needed to hear this too. That this wasn't only my fault as her speech and yelling suggested. Of course, I may or may not have to deal with consequences of what happened (we'll see), but the guilt is just not helpful. So thank you for putting some perspective to it.

@arfie Thank you, I love this breakdown of positives! It's very helpful. I used to do this with panic attacks, that exercise, you know? What happened/how you reacted/what can you do better next time and it was indeed helpful(even if you can't really control the panic attacks there are things around them in the before and after that you can improve, to reduce the chance of a new one if there was practical reason, or improve your coping once the worst of it is over).

Actually... I did nothing yesterday, lots of watching I barely remember...
BUT, I slept beautifully and woke up refreshed for a first time in weeks.

AND, had a dream of petting lions and leopards, and galloping on a horse for a first time, without a saddle... I think it maybe my brain trying to tell me that there are big challenges around me, but I can handle them... Or I'd like to believe that anyway.
Now, if I can just have a productive day of work at home and cleaning my apartment, I will be much better.

THANK YOU to everyone writing, yesterday was hard and scary and talking to people who know what that's like helped in not feeling crazy, or lazy, or ashamed.
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