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Too many things

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Strangelongtrip

MyPTSD Pro
I’ve had a whirlwind holiday. Two family members could have died and needed emergency surgery. I haven’t slept in my own bed more than a week last month because of my job and because of visiting family taking my room. I haven’t had my regular coping mechanisms and I haven’t been to therapy in 2 weeks. I’m currently on vacation in a very populated area I’m unfamiliar with (going home soon, not gonna get much sleep). I’ve held up okay so far but I’ve gotten in a lot of unnecessary fights (conversations really, but uncomfortable ones) with my best friend who I’m traveling with.

Some of the stuff they do makes me feel unsafe but I think I just feel unsafe in cities. They also shut down instead of taking action when they get overwhelmed they react like a child and it’s so frustrating to be trying to take care of our safety and deal with their emotional well being bc they can’t self regulate. I know that isn’t my job so tbh I don’t do it. I don’t coddle. I just say it how it is and it’s kinda making me feel like an asshole. I just am just not responsible for your emotional state and every time I tell them why I’m upset because they can see it and they can tell and if it’s something they’re doing they spiral into this melodramatic mess and i feel annoyed because I feel like I used to do that too but I got help and got better they won’t get helped. i feel bad because I don’t have the capacity right now to be patient like that I’ve been so patient and understanding and it’s just like I’m reaching my limit.

The last two nights I couldn’t sleep very well and it’s 4am and I’m still not asleep. There’s so many noises outside people honking car horns and people yelling. I feel anxious and paranoid especially bc our hotel isn’t in a good area. This city hasn’t been disability accessible at all and I have an injury that’s become incredibly painful from doing So many stairs and walking so far, so on top of the overwhelm I’m feeling enormous pain.

I go home tomorrow but I felt if I didn’t talk about tonight somewhere I was going to lose my cool completely. I’ve had to make basically all of the decisions on the trip and I’m completely worn down between visiting family over Christmas to travel to being in a city I don’t know well. I’m also really anxious about my family members who had surgery their recovery. They aren’t doing that well and it scares me because I love them dearly and I just got a healthy relationship with them. There’s also that I’m going to be moving soon almost a thousand miles from my home and it’s probably happening in a month or less.

I don’t have the emotional capacity to be a good friend to my friend I’m traveling with and I feel really bad about it. They really need me right now but I keep getting irritated with them. I feel like I’m being supportive but I really don’t know how to be a good friend when I’m dealing with all of this. I just want to be home and resting and back in my safety because this has been too much. And if I don’t sleep we’re not gonna make it to our transportation home in the right way and then my friend is going to throw a fit or something and I’ll have to calm them down. I’m just getting so frustrated and I’m also torn because I used to do similar things it’s just I worked on them and my friend has been the same for years now. I know I need to be more patient. I just can’t with everything else going on and all the other stuff I put up with with my family.
 
You're not messing up by trying to pick them up.

You're being a good friend.

Some times, getting help for yourself first, coming back for them later / ASAP, is the right thing to do.
 
Thank you @Ronin me and my friend had a long discussion about it and they don’t expect me to be perfect and it’s all okay and we hugged it out haha! I’m almost home and feeling much better, like a human again. Already planning my self care for when I get home
 
I felt a little better yesterday but mostly slept. Today I'm trying to get work done but I keep crying and breaking down. I'm so exhausted but I worry that it'll become depression and I won't get anything done.
 
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