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Relationship Too much to handle

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Hello. My spouse has a CPTSD and DID from early childhood trauma. I'm so overwhelmed with the years of switching and flashbacks to trauma. I don't even know where to start. None of this is new, I just feel like I'm sinking further and further. I never know what she'll say next. But I've been on this rollercoaster for well over two decades and I know how this all plays out. As usual I'm taking a supportive role and validating which helps her immensely and things have now calmed down. The lastest flashbacks involved infidelity as she was in altered state. Or they may have occurred earlier. Mostly fragments and no real timeline. I'm just in my bedroom trying to numb out. I'm have been drinking more than I ever have. I'm all alone. So I thought maybe I'd try posting on here. I have so much anger and sadness and fear. I also equally feel bad for her as I know she's struggling and scared. Just so overwhelmed and tired of life. Just needed to get this out.
 
Hi @Between the Bars, welcome to the forum. I’m glad you found us and please know your not alone. We are here to help support you. I’m sorry your going through a hard time and your feelings are understandable. You in a pretty hard place right now. Please take sometime for yourself and do some self care.
 
Thanks for making me feel welcome! I really appreciate it. My wife's been a member over a decade and I've kept my distance because I was afraid of interference. But I'm at an all-time low right now and I really appreciate the encouragement. She's had memories before that weren't real as well but she's mostly had flashbacks memories of child hood abuse that absolutely were real. Well over 50 times I've had to coax her out of the closet or help her when she's 3 years old by getting her a stuffed animal or help her through every horrible thing they did to her. It am in charge of the memories. The range is so far that I honestly feel like I'm losing touch with reality. The things I've done for her she has no idea, due to amnesic barriers. This post isa about10 years overdue. Thank you for welcoming me. I'm scared to post on here. I'm scared to do anything. I'm not allowed to make mistakes because the consequences are traumatizing. I really don't have a lot of faith right now, but logically I know it will get better, and the actual truth will be remebered. She is the love of my life and mostly vici versa but that gets lost in this shuffle. Parts of hear are terrified of how much she loves me. We get closer and closer and then the push back comes. She abandoned me right after crying about thinking of how much I've devoted to her. We've never been apart more than two weeks in 25 years. We're going on week 5 and I'm seriously struggling. Last year I had to Dna or youngest because of a connected memory to this flashback. The flashback went away but keeps popping up and changing according to the pin holes of evidence that disprove it's even possible. I honestly don't know what the truth is.someone so devoted to only me is overtaken by alters who don't seem to know me at all. Of course I'm the father, but for over a month she thought I wasn't. I love my wife and she had such a terrible childhood that she gets very confused and overwhelmed. It's hard to navigate reality and fantasy coupled with legitimate flashbacks trauma and alter fantasy's
fill in the blank. The only safe stance is to validate and support. But this time I'm worried about my mental health and I'm arguing with myself in front of other people as I wander around aimlessly. Ughhh.
 
Welcome to the community :)

It doesn’t matter how much we love someone, how long we’ve been together, how well we function as a team/partners in crime, & how much we can usually take their symptoms in stride... sometimes?

- Brick wall. Bang head. Brick wall. Bang head. :banghead: Aaaaaaaargh.
- <insert Tasmanian devil spluttering, shouting, waving arms around here>
- I will remain calm. I will not... rip your arm off and beat you with it... or rip my spine out through my own chest and beat myself with it. OMFG... Breathe. I will remain calm.
- Waaaaaaaah :arghh;
- f*ck me. f*ck this noise. I’m going back to bed. ?
- I need a martini, poolside. Stat.
 
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Welcome.

This is the supporter area here, so do NOT feel the need to pussy-foot, walk on eggshells, or worry about traumatizing anybody here. You can let it out. You’re emotions are just as valid as hers here. You’re allowed to be mad, sad, in a shitty mood... it’s a all good.

I'm not allowed to make mistakes because the consequences are traumatizing.

And I just wanted to say... bump this^^^. You’re allowed to make mistakes because you are a human being. You’re not traumatizing her. The mistakes aren’t traumatizing her... *she* is being traumatized. She is responsible for the stuff happening in her own head, not you.


Being a supporter in a PTSD relationship is exhausting. I’m not super familiar with DID, but I’m sure that isn’t much fun either.

I’m a little confused... maybe because it’s a DID thing, but is it that she thinks she may have cheated? She did cheat, but it was while she was dissociated? Or she was traumatized by somebody else cheating on her?
 
@Between the Bars Sounds tough. I taught DID and DDNOS teens for a number of years. It was a tough job that I always had to be prepared for "a change".....I can't imagine it being a 24 hr. job like you have being married to her. I did thoroughly enjoy my DID/DDNOS students, and their alters were unique and a special part of them. But I realized....I wasn't always having the same kind of relationship one day as the next with the same person. I was always on "high alert" and couldn't relax when they were in my class-and even when they were in another class, I was the one that got called to help with a crisis.

But I also felt I was special because I understood them....better than most other teachers in the school and that weighed on me, a lot. I could also see the good, their talents, and I was a door to understanding alters......something that others couldn't see or understand....and more knowledgeable help when they decompensated at school. When I retired from the job....they were the ones I missed the most......I think because I had a special connection with not only them, but with their alters.

With that said, my stress level has never been lower and I am much happier not being a daily care-taker. In the last three years, I have spent time on me, learning what I like, taking art lessons, traveling, and spending time with other adults I can count on, who are like-minded. I can say, I prefer this life.....the stability, the calmness, and boring can be a good thing. There is something special about being a supporter of someone with C-PTSD/DID......but over time, it sucked out the life-force in me. I still miss my DID kids, and they will always be special to me in my heart.

When I left education, I realized I hadn't spent hardly any time investing in myself emotionally, spiritually, socially, or physically. My stress level went down, and overall life drama reduced significantly. I feel better about my life and my own direction....and mental health, now when I'm not doing mental health all day long.

It can be a lonely place to be counted on as a fixer/a supporter/and even lonelier when you have few others with whom you can share your burden without criticism or concern. If it is the marriage vows that keep you there, just know that at the time, when she said the vows, she may not have been able to keep them. Since she suffers with DID, not all parts of her may understand the need to being committed and what that means in a loving relationship.....as yourself, that actions may be immature. and that you likely will never have a "balanced relationship"" As a person with DID, she may not be able to commit to keeping those vows....but with that said, I also don't know her and her alters like you do. Sounds like you are having a rough go of it......take some time for you and think about what you want your life to look like 10 years from now....and can it ever be that way where you are.......and can you change her? The only person you can change....is you and you deserve to be happy.
 
Hello, welcome :)

Glad you are reaching out.

I got that combo - PTSD, D.I.D., plus some. My partner the same.

And both of us are of the opinion DID symptoms - switching, slides, reliving trauma for days on end etc - is absolutely not the other's responsibility. However caring to maybe unhealthy depths we may be otherwise.

So just wanted to add that input out there -

Other's DID symptoms are *absolutely not.* your responsibility.

Comforting and validating every moment wouldn't be your duty even if you were in literal charge of a person with D.I.D.

And been there, with well many.
Their basic health, safety, functioning, and system cooperation?

Are theirs to manage and learn skills for. Not yours.

Sorry if this sounds harsh. I know it hurts. But DID is hell of a disorder and you *need* sane and normal islands, until your dear is stable enough to join you in them.

ETA @TruthSeeker, as much as I appreciate your generic point about self care to the OP, please don't spread misinformation.

DIDers aren't kids. Once making marriage vows, or taking any serious oath, physically, they are absolutely capable of upholding that vow...

And if they aren't, that's a different personal or moral problem, but not one of D.I.D.
 
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Hi @Between the Bars , it sounds like your at an all time low. It's very difficult to help someone when your running on empty yourself. I would suggest that you focus on self care and your own mental health for a while to get your energy back up. Sorry your going through this it must be very draining on you. What's your support network like? Do you have friends or family that understand? All the best to you S3.
 
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