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Too Self Obsessed To Realise, Or A Deliberate Bitch?

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HëllaBubz

MyPTSD Pro
As a lot of you know, I'm heavily pregnant with my first child. We decided to hold the baby shower and engagement celebration at the same time, for convenience and budget purposes.

2 weeks prior to the engagement party, I sent out a letter which can be found in I Just Took the Biggest Step of My Life - I Cut off My Father, which obviously was going to cause ripples (or tidal waves), but it at least gave people who would be uncomfortable the chance to opt out.

My mother has been in contact with my partner in the background, through facebook messages, SEE https://www.myptsd.com/threads/i-ju...-i-cut-off-my-father.37115/page-2#post-601662

I heard from her for the first time, out of the blue on Tuesday last week, when she wanted to know if she could come over because she wanted to pick up stuff and give me stuff from my grandparents (her parents), and was acting like nothing was wrong.

I told her that before the event wasn't great, so perhaps the week after would be better, and she agreed.

The day before the engagement party, after my grandparents confirmed that my parents and sister wouldn't be there a week prior, I got this letter.
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Dear R,

In consideration of our coming this Sunday, we have learnt what looks like, that just the two of us, from the closest family, would be there, not mother, nor father, even your sister is not going to come.
That puts us in a very bad position to be in the middle of two close members of our family that we have strong feelings for.

This is a place that we really don’t feel like finding ourselves in.
We don’t want to go into that who is done what to whom, but the fact remains that

nobody can delete a member of the family. We are not computers and that leaves us in the position of accepting each other as we are, forgiving to each other and move on.

We all can test ourselves how good we are when the time comes to forgive each other.

We as, grandfather and grandmother want to be loving to our grandchildren, not condemning them of anything, just being what grandfather and grandmother should be.

I hope you will understand this, R, that we really would find ourselves in a most uncomfortable position if we were to come this Sunday.
No doubt someone will ask as why the rest of the family is not there, so that puts us in a position to tell lies.
We sincerely hope that this situation in the family will reach some acceptable level that we can get together as a family, without any hard feelings.


Wishing you all the best on your special day.


Grandpa and Grandma
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Truthfully, I had been subconsciously waiting for something like this to happen, but given that nothing had happened all week, I was starting to think that maybe they would give me a tiny bit of support, and be more mature than my grandparents.

Given that my grandmother has lied and hidden many things that my father has done to me, or things that has happened to me, from my grandfather, including the most recent letter, I thought I'd call up and confirm with my grandfather because I was suspicious of foul play. So I called on Saturday, the same day I got the letter, which was the day before the event.

Apparently, he had written it himself.

NEXT DAY

Remember how my mother agreed to picking up the stuff after the event? Well apparently not. My brother got a text from her telling him (not asking me if it was ok, or to tell me what was going on) that he needed to grab the overlocker (sewing machine) and to leave it at work with her boss.

Her boss is the one who was doing my catering for the event.

I'd already thought of it, and had a very bland reason to give to her boss as to why my parents wouldn't be there, as well as quietly dropping off the stuff and not creating any ripples. But I was annoyed that she wouldn't ask me, she'd ask my brother. But there was a very sneaky reason as to how she worded it.
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THE EVENT.

It was pretty horrible.
At 12:30, after confirming with her via email that she'd have room for the drinks, we asked her where to put them, and were told that the food was taking up all the fridges, there was no room. So I couldn't chill the drinks for everyone.
At 1:45 she started quizzing me on why people hadn't started landing, and said that she'd planned to put the food out exactly at 2pm.

She asked when the invite said for people to be there, I said 2pm, but people were coming from the other side of the city, and it was a casual event...... she got annoyed until I pointed out that how many people did she know turned up on the dot to an event?..... so after a bit she said she'd put the food out at 2:30.

Told her previously that event started at 2, would go for 3hrs....when she asked when it would finish, I told her 5pm, 5:30 at latest, so she started giving me shit, saying it was supposed to go for 2-3 hours, when I had confirmed that it would be 3 hours duration counting late arrivals because some people were driving over an hr to visit.

And she kept giving me a hard time until I pointed out that if we were finishing up at 5pm, then it still was only 3 hours, so she shut up and went back into the kitchen.

People started to land by 2:15, by 2:30 about 10 of them, she didn't bother putting the food out til 3:20 til we had to approach and ask her to put out the food, because by then some people were thinking about going down the street for takeaway.
Then she told me she had assumed I was bringing my own plates and cups (was told she would provide everything), so put on a sour face and gave me some when I said no. (She told me she would take care of everything, I was just bringing desserts and drinks) Even then, she didn't bother to supply cutlery, until I went in and asked for some, so they got dumped unceremoniously on the table in ugly icecream containers.

To help me stay off my feet, and last the entire event, I had asked if the work experience students could mix and pour jugs of drinks, this was agreed, but in the entire event, the only time I saw them was to dump food on the table.

The students were also supposed to serve the food out on trays, instead it was all dumped out at the same time, and half of it got cold before people could get to it. I was furious, but bit my tongue.
It would also be worth mentioning at this point that the fridges full of food for my event?? Well all that food was out on the benches in the kitchen, not in the fridges.

Just before the food was served, she approached my partner, and basically demanded when we were going to say a prayer over the food, I had planned on avoiding that because some of our friends were atheist and I didn't want to make them uncomfortable.

So my partner then told me that he'd been clearly told that there had BETTER BE a prayer over the food, so I asked a christian friend of mine, and my partner explained to everyone that in line with tradition of the place, we would have to say a prayer.

She was so frosty that even my brother who helped me set up commented on it.

Half way through the event, she approached my partner and told him that she had the boxes of baby stuff for me from my grandparents. So he came out and told me, and I had a chill run down my spine, because I've worked with my mother's boss before, and I couldn't figure out why she was being so difficult, and now it all made sense.

Basically, my selfish bitch of a mother had decided to air the whole situation to her boss, and poison the whole affair without me knowing until the morning of the event.

The most irritating part was that I had been at the function place since 11:30am, decorating, and my back was killing me, so trying to socialize was really hard. My friends could all see that I was in pain, and unhappy about something, but I got a few quiet pats on the back for being such a good sport and being so positive.

We announced the sex of the baby by asking an old family friend to cut open the cake, and when I helped her cut out a big slice, you could see the lovely pink inside! That was really nice.

We got some lovely and unexpected gifts from people, which will definitely go to good use, and that helped cheer things up a little.

My friend's little girls were there, as well as my niece, so they all wanted my attention which was nice, but unfortunately one kept asked where my father was (they know him from church) and so I had to say in front of everyone a few times that he wasn't coming as he had other things to.

By 4:45, the caterer had started walking in and out of the room, checking on the table, and starting to remove plates of food, and people started getting uncomfortable.

Then a friend found a pack of animal cards that had tear off strips on them, and the next thing I know, people are whizzing little green strips through the air, and everyone was fair game.

A girlfriend of mine decided to have some fun, so she got all the helium balloons, and got people to inhale them and say a short message to us while she filmed it.....

They also got my brother and partner and my girlfriend to inhale it and sing twinkle twinkle little star standing behind me, I laughed so hard that I got a headache.

Our friends helped us take things down, and after everything was packed up, the caterer waited til everyone walked out the door, then told me that my mum had told her that I decided to have a C section instead of natural, and why was that?

I was shocked, but I was honest and said that pain makes me remember things my ex did (I didn't want to lower myself and mention dad), and I didn't want to deal with that when I had a small baby.

She would have grilled me more, but a friend came in and saved me, so I escaped. She had a few other choice words for my partner, about mum and how she was upset etc....

I'm pretty pissed, but at least I had a few good friends there, to brighten it up.

The last straw for me, was I had posted up a few days ago, a status on facebook saying that I was going as Karma for Halloween, and who of my friends would bail me out? So my mum had the audacity to post up a comment saying karma causes karma or some shit, so I deleted the comment, and after 5 seconds hesitation....her too!

My brother then got a message with her all upset because I'd deleted her off FB, and he found a nice way of saying that it was between her and I, and he didn't really want anything to do with it.

My girlfriend called yesterday, and wanted to know if I was ok, and I explained to her why I was a bit out of sorts, and she thought that I had been hugely reasonable and restrained, she would have flipped her lid.

I'm glad everything is over now, but I'm still a bit on edge, because my mother's been trying to start shit over FB with my partner, and he won't bite. SEE https://www.myptsd.com/threads/i-ju...-i-cut-off-my-father.37115/page-2#post-601662

Then she messaged me, when she wanted to pick up the stuff, and kept making sly comments to see if she could get a rise out of me, when I refused to respond, and just responded to the parts which were relevant, my answers were short because 3/4 of the shit she was saying was her trying to get a rise.

Then the pious bitch decides to go back to my partner and tell him I'm being short with her and she doesn't understand why and how it's all my fault and one day we can be a happy family. I don't have that message, but it still gives me the shits.

My last thought on this whole round of bullshit is....


1. Yes, I am going to have a happy family. My brother, partner, baby, godparents, a few friends and a few pets.
2. I don't need this stress before the baby is due, I'm highly sensitive to the fact that I could go into early labor if they keep stressing me out like this.
3. Life without her, is going to be much simpler too. I'm not mourning that loss of my mother, because I have other friends I can talk to, and besides, she's never been there reliably in the past, so I can't miss her too much now!
4. Either what they did was deliberate and nasty (I've seen that side of her, but few others have), or they are so self obsessed that they don't know or care about the impact that their selfish little bitch to the caterer had on me and my special day.

5. I get the last laugh. I have all of you on here, plus the friends and new family that I get to pick and choose, they lose out, and I lose too......a massive cancerous growth.

Weight loss is a great thing, isn't it?
 
Oh, and this is what the bitch just sent my partner over FB.

Hi R, glad your day went well, so sorry we both couldnt be there, but on another point, I was thinking it would be nice if you could send the caterer a card or a small bunch of flowers, she worked so hard for you guys and gave up her Sunday, gave you a fantastic deal and the venue was for free. I know it would really put you in a very good place in her heart if you did something like that.

I gave her a small gift from me for her hard work. She is not really a dragon at all, despite what I went through last year, she has a lovely caring spirit and did it as much for me as you guys. I have also spoken to her about what supposedly upset R regards a comment she made about R having a caesarian.

There was nothing controllling or suggestive about the comment and she wished R well, you may have been there at the time. R put a very nasty note on fb about it..such a shame when the caterer did so much for her. Anyway, those are my thoughts and they are with you too. Luv u both. Mum


And this is what my darling just wrote back to her.

Hi Mum. Thanks for your thoughts. I had thought of sending something. I am waiting on the caterer to send me an account to pay and then ill shoot through a blurb for her students folio. I could not thank her enough for her efforts on Sunday and greatly appreciated them. I was planning on sending a little extra to the school. As for the gift for her, that is a little more difficult to get to her unless i can send it either to you or send you some money for some flowers.

As for this entire situation I have been a sandwich in the middle, and as such it really is not my place or appropriate for me to be involved by either party anymore. As such i would like to respectively withdraw from all issues related to the matter and further communications about this matter be refrained from.

R would do well without reference to her choices, religion or ignoring approaches to her wishes.
I do not keep my conversations to myself when it involves R, she does have the right to know whats going on and if i did not would worsen the situation for me as it would breed mistrust between ourselves. This is something i would rather avoid. I am on the other hand happy to work with, talk and deal with other matters.

Can we move on from this?


And FYI, this is my 2 FB status' after the event.

"The only thing better than true love is true friends.
Thanks for a wonderful day everyone. "

AND

"How I choose to give birth and manage my affairs is my own business, I don't expect shit off my caterer after having a half decent day for once.
f*ck off and mind your own business, and thanks for the attempt on ruining my special day."
 
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Oh good god. It sounds like they're all trying to send you into premature labor.

This is why I avoid triangulation at ALL costs. I kicked two toxic people out of my life and unfortunately a LOT of people had to go with them simply because I wasn't going to deal with the toxicity through the reach of others. Baby/bath water situation? Not for me, but it may appear that way to others.
 
They really are f*cking trying aren't they!?

Bloody hell, just over it, as is my bro and partner. They've basically said f*ck off to everyone that's been whinging, however I find it interesting to note that my bro has said that my mum and sister are laying into the topic, but my father hasn't said a single f*cking word.

Shit he's good at the emotional manipulation.
 
Firstly - congratulations on your forthcoming little one - that is fantastic news... sorry the congratulations are a bit late! I saw something on the television the other day about announcing the gender through a cake - that's lovely!

1. Yes, I am going to have a happy family. My brother, partner, baby, godparents, a few friends and a few pets.

That sounds like the best idea in the whole wide world! I don't have a particularly stable family and I do massively believe that you need to surround yourself with the ones who make you happy. That doesn't mean cutting off people that make you sad. But it does mean making informed choices as to who is good for you and who isn't.

You have the chance now to start over, surrounding yourself with love and your own little family - do it - enjoy it and don't ever let petty and selfish people spoil it for you xxx
 
I'm glad to see you have the support of your friends and your brother, my brother made things so much easier, although at times it has been hard to not discuss things, so he doesn't get dragged into it to.

Did you realise that you revealed a name?
 
Thanks @shell is fixed...
I'm just so over the whole thing, that not talking about it is fine. If he brings it up, I'm cool to talk to him about it, but other than that, I try to avoid the topic if I can.

I'm still pretty pissed about the attempts to ruin our day though, but I guess that will go after a while.
 
Either what they did was deliberate and nasty (I've seen that side of her, but few others have), or they are so self obsessed that they don't know or care about the impact that their selfish little bitch to the caterer had on me and my special day.

Deliberate and nasty? Obsessed with themselves? The caterer inquiring why you're having a C-section? WTF business is it of their business. Bub, I know a lot of folks with PTSD can be overly sensitive (I know I am at times) but the folks you've been writing about are simply oblivious and insensitive!!!

I was happy to read that your partner said they weren't going to be sandwiched anymore! Once your mom's stuff is returned, the two of you can move on. Once you move on, the problem(s) becomes wholly theirs. You are free!

:hug:
Drew
 
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